Charlie Sheen Hired as Oakland Raiders Coach

As the Charlie Sheen sage continues swirling and winning it’s way through the media, things took another turn for the bizarre when the actor-turned-viral crazy guy Sheen was hired to be the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders.

Infamous 112-year-old Raiders owner Al Davis was apparently attracted to Sheen’s catch phrase, “Winning!” as it echoes his own decree to “Just Win Baby!”

Of course there’s still the question of whether Sheen is qualified to be an NFL coach just because he’s had success on a sitcom. “I’m bi-winning, I win here, I win there. I am special,” he assured everyone gathered at the Raiders press conference introducing him as head coach. “My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.”

Can he win in the NFL and survive as  a new coach under the enigmatic Davis? “I don’t believe in panicking. Panicking is for amateurs and morons.” There’s also concern about how long he could keep up his frantic media pace alongside the rigors and demands of being an NFL coach, but Sheen claims “I don’t have burnout in my gear box.”

Davis recalls first meeting Sheen: “He told me ‘Go back to the troll hole where you came from’, but then someone told him I owned the Raiders and we just hit it off from there.”

Sheen was a surprise hiring, vaulting him ahead of bigger-name coaches assumed to be back in the NFL soon like Bill Cower, Jon Gruden, and Jeff Fischer. “I have real fame,” brags Sheen when asked about those other coaches. “They have nothing.”

While Davis and Sheen might seem like an odd pairing, Sheen’s use of the word “bitchin” and Davis’ penchant for Members Only jackets projects a certain synergy. Davis expects Sheen to pick his own staff (“There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins”) and Davis fully expects Sheen to be on board with Davis’ longtime agenda of beating out the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers. “Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber,” smiles Sheen.

Still no word on Vegas odds for which one of them is the favorite to die first.

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