What country you wearin' there, buddy? Huh?

SportsCrab Presents: Real Men of Genius
(Real men of Genius)

Today we salute you. Mr. Foreign Country Soccer Jersey Wearer
(Mr. Foreign Country Soccer Jersey Wearer)

Born in the USA, you show up wearing a jersey of a foreign country to display your general disdain for your country and your fellow Americans.
(Un-American traitor!)

You think your jersey shows that you’re a real Renaissance man, a sophisticated globe trekker, when the truth is, you couldn’t even find the country on a map and you’ve never been outside your own zip code.
(You’re a freakin’ shut-in!)

When asked what country you pledge your allegiance to, you just turn away, take a sip of your import, and resort to commenting on the weather.
(It’s gonna rain on your parade)

So crack open an ice cold domestic, sit down, and shut up, you wannabe foreigner; before a true, red-blooded American puts a boot in your ass and makes you see, stars and stripes (God Bless America!)

(Mr. Foreign Country Soccer Jersey Wearer!)

Sports fans across the North American continent took to the streets in sack cloth and ashes, vowing to fast and chant until the World Cup reaches its conclusion.

“It’s INTERMINABLE,” moaned one participant.  ”I mean, I thought the NBA playoffs took forever but this is a whole other kind of misery.”

“It’s worse than watching paint dry,” the guy next to him agreed.  ”First you have to sit through a game where it’s a big deal to score one stinking point.  Then you’ve got to sit through many games to get to the finals.  We tried to be good sports and get into the spirit of the global soccer thing but this is just too much.”

Sportscasters in the US agreed.  ”It’s more painful than listening to old tapes of Howard Cosell,” said one.  ”For the remaining games, we’re just going to stream a live feed and let it go at that.”

Protestors in cities across the nation weren’t taking that as a solution.  In New York City, Times Square was jammed with penitents, flagellating themselves with short lengths of knotted rope in the dim hope that it would end the scourge of World Cup Soccer once and for all.  San Franciscans took a more direct route with mobs chanting “World Cup NO” as they rode the famed cable cars.  Not to be outdone, a huge banner has been dropped from the St. Louis Arch.  Black, with a white soccer ball with a line through it, it clearly calls for an end to the drudgery and misery of World Cup Soccer.

“I hear there’s still another game to go,” sobbed one ardent football fan. “The baseball post season is bad enough. I just want to get to NFL play and see some real action out there. Anything. I’ll even settle for Oakland or Kansas City. Anything!”

Fine print? Maybe the ticket just was clear enough.

A news source out of Albuquerque is reporting that about a dozen or so, fair weather US soccer fans have been sighted roaming through a barren wasteland, near Bluewater, NM, today.  The quad-annual fans had boarded a Greyhound sponsored bandwagon in NJ, which was scheduled to sweep across the country while watching all US World Cup matches.

However, the fine print on the boarding passes stated that the bandwagon’s service would end immediately after the US was eliminated from the tournament.  But really, who ever reads the fine print?  After the US lost to Ghana on Saturday, the bandwagon’s service ended and all fans were ordered off being told their ticket had expired and wouldn’t be good again until 2014.

A source close to the incident said that one severely pissed off and belligerent fan was heard shouting, “Go Greyhound?  Go [expletive] yourself!!,” as he was being pushed off the bandwagon.

Sources also say the fair weathers have been surviving, since Saturday’s defeat, on what they have left a 30 pack of Budweiser and a small bag of orange slices.  It is also believed they have a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to ration.

Despite the discovery of the bandwagoners, authorities have not been contacted about their whereabouts and anyone that has had contact with them has not offered assistance.

Now considered "unwanted," US jerseys continue to be donated.

So far, hundreds of jerseys have been donated to Goodwill, and that number is steadily increasing. “What’s the point? All this jersey is going to do is sit in my dresser and gather dust, so I might as well let someone get enjoyment out of it and donate it,” said Tom Portman of Edgewood, “I was just another sucker who got caught up in all the excitement, so I went out and spent my $80 on a Donovan jersey. Now what am I going to do with it? I really don’t even like soccer all that much, and Donovan will be 32 next World Cup. Will he even be on the team?”

The buzz of US soccer jumped dramatically during the World Cup, setting records in viewing ratings, but now that the countries team is out, it’s back to the usual in the states. “I got my soccer buzz to support my country, but football is right around the corner,” said Matt Seiler of Baltimore, “Soccer may be good, but it is not even close to football, baseball, or just any other main sports in America. USA chants are in the past, now its time for ‘R-A-V-E-N-S! Ravens!’.”

The head of FIFA told reporters today that some changes are in store for upcoming games.  The changes are designed to speed up the rate of play and cut down on time taken for rulings.  To do this, they’ll codify practices already in place on an informal level.

“For one thing,” he said, “Americans now must officially score two goals for every one goal that counts.  If there are an uneven number of goals, the tally will not carry over.  It will begin anew.  This will keep the pressure on the Americans and get them to show some hustle out there.”

American reaction was swfit.  And mixed.  “Why penalize us?  It’s not like anyone in America is watching,” said Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald.  But Tony Kornheiser disagreed.  “The only thrilling soccer game I’ve ever seen was the other day.  If we have to score more than anyone else to do half as well as we move forward, that’s not a problem for us.  We’re Americans.”

The other announced change will be that Aussie players will receive red cards as they take the field.  “That way,” the FIFA official explained, “we won’t have to have our pockets and hands full while we officiate.”

“About bloody time,” said an Aussie soccer official.  “No sense wasting time when we could be thrashing the Yanks.”

More changes are in store and will be announced later this week, the frustrated official concluded.  “We knew Americans had a short attention span but this is ridiculous. We want their endorsements and access to their markets but turns out they’re more fickle than a randy goat.”

This just in from Facebook: The boots have been found.

Taking inspiration from U2’s World Cup theme song, “Get Your Boots On”, FIFA officials have decided that players will be required to wear steel toe boots in the Knockout Round.

An official was quoted, “We’re tired of everyone bitchin’ about how football, or soccer, whatever, isn’t a contact sport and how the players are pansies, always flopping down whenever they get touched, so we think switching to the steel toes and having a few shattered ankles and busted tibia can change that.”

Some participating countries have expressed concern about the steel toe boots slowing the players down, hence slowing the pace of the game.

“The pace of the game?  Are you kidding me?  Have you seen how deathly boring these matches have been?  It’s not like it matters.  We’re going for ratings here, ya know, “the FIFA official explained.

A confused US player wondered, “If there’s like, 6 billion people in the world aren’t like, at least 7 billion watching this thing.  We’re really the only country that thinks soccer’s stupid.”

“We’re trying to become more relevant in countries that matter, like the USA and Canada,” said the unnamed FIFA official stating his case.  “Just kidding, Canada doesn’t matter! (laughing)”

Scores of female fans around the world have already begun voicing their dislike for the steel toe boots claiming that they are “so not cute” and that they “so don’t go with shorts.”

Their parents never said anything about taking pizza from strangers.

In Pretoria, South Africa, at just about lunchtime EST in America, Landon Donovan scored the most storied and dramatic goal in US soccer history to date, as it lifted the US over Algeria and into the Knockout Round of the 2010 World Cup.

Meanwhile, back in the USA, Donovan’s goal sent a nation into a frenzy that sparked spontaneous pizza parties in celebration at companies and schools from coast to coast.

At the Good Time Fries factory in Pocatello, ID, CEO Dick Seagal expressed his excitement about the win, “Wooohooo… We’re havin’ fries, too!  USA! ”

“The only thing it cost us is a few hundred hours of lost productivity and several thousands of dollars!,” Seagal replied to being asked if the party was a company treat.  “USA, USA, USA,” the men and women on the production line behind Seagal started chanting.

Back east in Binghamtom, NY, at Southern Tier Elementary School, Ms. Holland’s 1st grade class did not become aware of the US victory until after they were surprised with pizza and orange drink.

Outstanding student, Josh Borland, explained, “We thought it was for Tommy’s birthday, and then Ms. Holland told us to start yelling “USA, USA”, and then we did, and then the pizza man came, and then he told us the USA won a soccer game so we get pizza!”

Coincidentally, Team USA was having a pizza party of their own.  When asked how it felt to score the game wining goal, Donovan, with a mouth full of pizza, exclaimed, “It’s unbelievable!  It’s like..mmm (chewing), it’s like when you finish BOOK IT!”

North Korea's response to Portugal for the 7-0 ass-kicking at the World Cup.

Italy’s soccer team attends their weekly acting class in preparation for Slovakia.

The buzz of the World Cup has grown to a point where people are walking by bars, such as Slainte Irish Pub in Fells Point, and just heading on in because of the excitement they hear from the outside. “I just heard USA being cheered over and over again and thought, ‘I’m from America, and I need to be joining my fellow Americans’,” commented Jarred Rahn of Pylesville. Although when asked if he knew that it was soccer and the World Cup they were cheering about, Rahn answered disgustingly, “Soccer? Hell no! I just love my country.”

The day is fast approaching, and there is something about Tuesday where a 24 hour virus seems to be coming through and is going to spread, “I have a really important meeting on Wednesday, but I don’t think that I am going to be able to make it,” said Joey  Kopajtic of Timonium, who followed with a few coughs, “I think I’m coming down with something. I mean who else is going to be out drinking, getting really drunk, and yelling ‘Pussies’ at the top of their lungs at the opposing team?”

Verizon Wireless: Go Grab Yourself One

This news just in from the town of Mercedd,

The Hinkle-Horn Honkers are tucked into bed.

But tomorrow they’ll rise and trade in their horns.

We know this because leader Freddy has sworn,

“Tomorrow we’ll march off, Vuvuzela in hand.

For the sound of a lifetime.  It will be grand.

You’ll hear the great difference a switch in horns make

A strong and dynamic sound you can’t mistake.

You’ll hear us at World Cup.  You’ll follow us on…

We’ll be a sensation from evening til dawn.

The World Cup convinced us it was indeed true

Only those sans Vuvuzelas were feeling so blue.

At the sound of our honking and squaking and clamor

Their spirits will rally.  We’ll bring honking new glamour.

Our team will play best.  Of that we’re quite sure.

But first we’ll decide who’s most likely to score.

And then we must see who won’t be overturned.

It’s no fun to cheer on a team who is spurned.

Our next gig will be in 2012.

Till then be of good cheer and watch us on cable.

We’ll be blowing our horns as well as we’re able.”

Totesport.com's Jozy Altidore

BALTIMORE, MD–After Team USA’s 1-1 draw vs. England, on Saturday, Baltimore’s soccer landscape suddenly shifted, possibly for the worse.  Dave McGraw, 33, of Fells Point, Baltimore’s self-proclaimed “hugest” soccer fan (although he calls it football, displaying that he is a proper fan) went online and purchased a Jozy Altidore jersey off Ebay.

McGraw wished to have a jersey of his favorite US player to sport during all of Team USA’s matches.  However, once he purchased his new Altidore jersey, he was forced to announce that he would be changing his allegiance from Team USA to Totesport.com.  There is no telling what this could mean in determining the fate of Team USA in South Africa.

McGraw defended his decision insisting, “I have to follow whoever Jozy plays for, and if he’s playing for Totesport, I’ll back them through the World Cup…although I can’t remember what group they’re in?”

“I’m the hugest football fan in Baltimore and I understand that sometimes guys change teams in the middle of the World Cup, and sticking by my favorite footballer is what being a proper football fan is all about”, concluded McGraw.  “Bloody hell!  Get off my case, wanker!”

McGraw also wanted to give an open invite to anyone who would like to join him at James Joyce Pub for any of Totesport’s matches.  He will have a table, he will be wearing his Altidore jersey, and he will be by himself.

With the first weekend of the 2010 FIFA World Cup in the books, one team is in the “dog house” with the World Cup Committee. “That game was a disgrace to the name of soccer,” said Chairman, Irvin Khoza, “We expect these games to be played close, and end with a tie or a 1-0 win. Two at the most, but even that’s too much, and what Germany did against Australia was just selfish.”

Until Germany played, all other weekend games were decided with one or fewer goals. When Germany scored its third goal, the committee, that was watching from the club box, were seen yelling, “That’s too much! You’re all pathetic! This isn’t soccer!”

After the game concluded, with the final score being 4-0, the German players found out the comments made by the committee. “Yeah, we were told the rules about keeping the games low scoring, and we just don’t want to follow them,” said Thomas Müller, the man who scored the third goal in the match. Teammate Lukas Podolski followed Müller by concluding, “We come out every time to show that team Germany is the best in the Cup, and we will embarrass every team we play.” Moments later, Khoza came running in, with a red card in hand, to break up the interview.