The frequent caller released a statement saying “While I have tremendous respect for the Bears and their championship-caliber franchise and would have been honored to maximize big-city exposure with ideal controversy-to-football interest ratio, my loyalty to Baltimore, the Ravens, the Orioles, as well as the University of Maryland, cemented my choice for what would be a life-affirming plan of action, or in this case in-action, by not departing.”

There was allegedly a last-ditch effort by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder to lure Ed From Arbutus with a large cash offer along with the ability to remain in Arbutus and still call into D.C.-area radio stations.

Ed From Arbutus ultimately turned down the Redskins’ big-money offer. “I was impressed with Mr. Snyder’s contact-to-offer velocity,” Ed explained when returning our call for comment. “And while the financial compensatory package was beyond reasonable expectations to contribute to the game I love, I could not and would not entertain the notion of joining forces with a man who’s ruined the once-proud franchise of Sammy Baugh and Sonny Jorgenson. The Burgundy & Gold. The Over-the-Hill Gang and the Hogs. Darrell Green and Art Monk. But I have no dog in that fight. My home is in Baltimore with the Ravens. Thanks for takin’ my call Gentlemen.”

The new venture is expected to be called ESPN-ESPN.

Just as the city-specific sites focus on teams and stories pertaining to that region, ESPN-ESPN will feature stories about ESPN personalities and ESPN programming, as well as highlights of highlights.

Fans of the omnipresent sports conglomerate can look forward to not just simply reading columns by the Sports Guy Bill Simmons on the main site, but features on ESPN-ESPN about Bill Simmons, explanations of all of his pop culture references, and flow charts connecting his buddy House to his other buddy Jacko. There will be video games where you can take the Simmons family dog for a virtual walk after your favorite team suffers a stomach-punch loss.

Who Woulda Thunk It Would Come To All This?

The ESPN-ESPN website is expected to publish box scores comparing the number of stories first reported by Adam Schefter vs. those broken by Chris Mortensen.

ESPN-ESPN.com will feature an online education portal where Professor John Clayton will host a variety of webinar lectures. While there was some considerable initial buzz in the blogosphere about an alleged “Erin Andrews Cam,” it turns out that there will be an Erin Cam, but only one of the G-rated variety that will just show fans how much behind-the-scenes work goes into her reports. Rick Reilly will also mail some stuff in.

Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, of the popular ESPN Radio show “Mike and Mike in the Morning,” both agree that ESPN-ESPN will be fantastic.

And oh-by-the-way, Chris Berman will have his own page on ESPN-ESPN chronicling all his played-out puns and nicknames. But who knows, he’s always circling the wagons so perhaps he’ll get his own network called ESPN-BOOM.

After the horrifying debacle that was the Black Eyed Peas attempt at a musical performance, the league has set aside large sums of money not related to their ongoing revenue dispute with the players in hopes that they could make next year’s show better.

Coming Back From Dead to Play Halftime?

“We looked into the idea of trying to get John Lennon,” one league source told us, “and we actually spoke to Yoko Ono, but she said something about getting a million people to stand in a straight line from some sacred Scandinavian territory to Iceland or something. I had no clue what she was talking about. We checked some maps, it can’t be done.”

The catalyst for this expensive and first-of-its-kind project was the abominable showing by the pop group Black Eyed Peas at Super Bowl XLV. ACME Entertainment Solutions, a group that measures this kinda stuff with ratings and surveys and something called Aggregate Blog Reaction, came out with its findings recently and rated the Black Eyed Peas performance “Fucking Horrible.”

With a Lennon deal unlikely, the committee contacted Janie Hendrix, the sister of the late guitarist and executor of his estate. “She was great,” according to the league source. “I mean she just started giving us a routing number and asking where to sign. Although there’s not much in the way of new unreleased songs in Jimi’s vault, Janie’s promised that they’d be able to come up with a release to coincide with the Super Bowl. And of course if everything works out with the science part of bringing him back to life, we all look forward to meeting Jimi. We’re big fans.”

Current president of Merriam-Webster, Edgar Poe, commented on the change saying, “This was well needed. We feel that the word ‘s**t’ is a very vulgar word and needs to be treated that way. The word we chose is both dangerous and horrifying to say or hear. I will only say this once because of how nasty the word is, but we thought we needed to change it to ‘Cleveland Browns’.” Poe then felt disgusted by mentioning the word.

The Webster Dictionary also made a few references in relation to the word. In addition to what is already included from the previous word “s**t,” new references include: 1. You just got “Cleveland Browned” (slang) on by Anquan Boldin for 142 yards and three touchdowns. 2. The Cleveland Browns are “Cleveland Browns.” 3. The ugliest color in the world is “Cleveland Browns” brown. 4. Old Man Clemens hates “Cleveland Browns.”

The Webster Dictionary is also accepting more references through their website, as well as SportsCrab.com. Just post your reference on the comment section below this article, and it will be brought up for consideration.

Bolt maintains that there's nothing gay about the lack of support in his shorts

Usain Bolt is taking criticism for making offensive comments about his loss to Tyson Gay in the 100-meter dash at the DN Galan meet. Bolt, who was beaten by over a tenth of a second, described the loss as “really [expletive] gay.”

Gay and Lesbian support groups around the world have been criticizing Bolt for his politically incorrect statements. The GAA (Gay Activists Alliance) released a statement condemning Bolt’s derogatory use of the term of gay. When provoked by reporters, an executive from the GAA admitted that, “yea, what Usain said was pretty gay.”

Usain Bolt held a press conference to address his controversial statements. “I wholeheartedly apologize to the gay and lesbian community. I didn’t mean to use the gay with the meaning ‘homosexual’, you know, I meant it with the meaning, like, ‘really not cool.’”

Tyson Gay came to Bolt’s defense, reminding reporters that “it’s easy to slip in the heat of the moment. I think we’ve all said things we regret, so I wish the media wouldn’t be so gay about all this.”

Jennie Finch, pitching on team USA's "Fans select the uniform" night

Jennie Finch, one of the most prolific softball players ever, announced her retirement on July, 20. The loss of Finch, who was voted the most attractive female athlete on ESPN’s website, somehow makes fast pitch softball even less interesting than it already was.

Experts predict that the loss of Finch will reduce fast pitch softball viewership by almost 100%. Finch, however, maintains that the sport is “not too bad to watch,” and that “there are still some pretty okay looking girls on the team.”

Finch posted a 36-2 record with the U.S. National Team, and maintained a stingy 0.42 ERA. More importantly to her large following of loyal fans, Finch posed in the 2006 Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Though her retirement will deal a great blow to the NPF (the National Pro Fastpitch Softball League), league officials remain optimistic.

“This league has operated without generating any profit for six years,” explained a league representative. “We’re pretty much operating a pro bono organization here, so her retirement can’t really make things any worse.”

Though her retirement deals a great blow to the sport, fast pitch fans have taken solace in the fact that all her pictures remain on the internet.

Fantasy Football is upon us

With Football season upon us, another season of Fantasy Football is right around the corner.  To aid you in your fantasy draft I have compiled my soon to be annual season rankings and advice on all of those burning fantasy questions so that you can finally take the crown in your league and gain the bragging rights around the office that you have been craving.

Gorloft the Destroyer is a solid fantasy option

First we will evaluate the Quarterback position.  Now I know what you are all thinking and let me just tell you to hold on tight because my ranking for the number one Quarterback this season is quite surprising.  This season in fantasy football I believe (and you can hold me to this) Gorloft the Destroyer will be your number one fantasy option.  I know, I know, “Gorloft the Destoryer?” you say.  Well let me tell you this little statistic to hopefully change your minds.  In the past 3 years no one has more Yards per Completion, Yards per Attempt, and Touchdowns in the Red Zone than Gorloft the Destroyer.  I know most preseason rankings have Ziffyl of Walderon as their number one fantasy Quarterback, but I am down on him this year due to the recent injuries to his receiving corps.  So your number one fantasy option at Quarterback is Gorloft the Destroyer.

Conventional wisdom tells us that you should draft a running back first in your fantasy league.  My advice for you this year is to grab a hold of Perri Winkle the unicorn for your running back.  Perri Winkle finally assumes the role of the featured back, and I believe he will be a fantasy stud (literally and

Perri Winkle looks to be your fantasy running back

figuratively).  With his offensive line re-vamped, Perri Winkle should have nothing short of a 1,400 yard/12 TD season.  Plus Perri Winkle is a trueworkhorse (again, literally and figuratively) in the red zone.  In the past 2 years, no other back has gotten more touches in the red zone than this fantasy beast (literally and…I think you get it).

These are my predictions for this year’s fantasy campaign.  Good luck with your fantasy team and heed my advice and I’m sure that you will earn that fantasy championship that means nothing in no time.

Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong has tested positive for using a performance enhancing car. Armstrong, who is currently in 31st place in this year’s Tour de France, claims that the test was faulty and that he has never used an automobile to gain an advantage in a bike race.“I maintain that I never have and never will use a performance enhancing car,” Armstrong told reporters. “These allegations are absurd.”

Despite Lance’s vehement denial, several riders claim to have seen Lance ascend the Port de Pailhères, one of the tour’s most arduous climbs, in a car. “Yea, he blatantly passed me in a car,” said defending tour champion Alberto Contador. “I’m not sure how he still didn’t win the stage, though.”

Lance Armstrong is the second American athlete to test positive for a performance enhancing substance this month after swimmer Michael Phelps failed a test for performance enhancing jet skis.

The head of FIFA told reporters today that some changes are in store for upcoming games.  The changes are designed to speed up the rate of play and cut down on time taken for rulings.  To do this, they’ll codify practices already in place on an informal level.

“For one thing,” he said, “Americans now must officially score two goals for every one goal that counts.  If there are an uneven number of goals, the tally will not carry over.  It will begin anew.  This will keep the pressure on the Americans and get them to show some hustle out there.”

American reaction was swfit.  And mixed.  “Why penalize us?  It’s not like anyone in America is watching,” said Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald.  But Tony Kornheiser disagreed.  “The only thrilling soccer game I’ve ever seen was the other day.  If we have to score more than anyone else to do half as well as we move forward, that’s not a problem for us.  We’re Americans.”

The other announced change will be that Aussie players will receive red cards as they take the field.  “That way,” the FIFA official explained, “we won’t have to have our pockets and hands full while we officiate.”

“About bloody time,” said an Aussie soccer official.  “No sense wasting time when we could be thrashing the Yanks.”

More changes are in store and will be announced later this week, the frustrated official concluded.  “We knew Americans had a short attention span but this is ridiculous. We want their endorsements and access to their markets but turns out they’re more fickle than a randy goat.”

The survey, conducted in a semi-chic but low key and authentic pub in the artsy warehouse district of Williamsburg, NY, found that most hipsters never watch sports on TV and that 23% of the respondents claimed to not even have a TV. Overwhelmingly, “None” was chosen as the most common favorite team.

“I just never got into sports,” said one really pale and frail guy who probably gave up on sports after his first bloody nose in 2^nd grade.

Another hipster who asked us not to use his name “cuz I don’t care about the notoriety,” said that “sports and all the people talking about it are just a scam to trick you into thinking you like an inferior product” as he sipped on a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

His aloof friend, who had ridiculous sideburns, gaudy oversized sunglasses, and an intentionally horrific orange button-down shirt on, added that “sitting around watching sports just seems like a waste of time,” and then wandered off to discuss the intricacies of the production of Animal Collective’s latest CD.

The last hipster we spoke with simply dismissed sports as “corporate slavery for the masses” and walked away gripping his iPhone in one hand, a Starbucks cup in the other, and a cigarette dangling from his lips.

“We’ve been down 2-0, we’ve been down 3-0,” said coach Peter Laviolette.  “But we’ve never been down 2-1.  This is tough.  We know how to handle those deficits but having never come back from 2-1 down, well, I’ve got to say I don’t know how we’re going to do it.”

Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane knows his team dodged a bullet.  “We definitely got lucky.  If we had won the game they’d have had us right where they wanted us.  But now we know we’re in control of this series.”

Claude Giroux saw his night go from elation after scoring the game-winner at 14:01 of overtime to despair when he realized the untenable position he put his team in.

“I don’t know, I guess we should have let them score in OT.  I never really thought about the implications of trying to win that game.”

Flyers Goalie Michael Leighton thinks the team just needs to adjust its strategy.  “I should probably just let them win game 4.  I know we’d feel more comfortable down 3-1 than tied at 2 apiece.  No one will really think its odd if I spot them 7 goals.  I mean, have you followed my career? “

Cyclist Floyd Landis revealed Tuesday that he has been doping for most of his career.  Landis admitted to using everything from EPO to insulin during the years he rode for the USPS and Phonak teams.  When questioned about why he doped Landis said, “Everyone else was doing it.  If everyone else did it to get a competitive edge, how sorry would I be to not do it, too?”

Asked if he thought doping had helped his career, Landis nodded.  “Absolutely.  I never would have been champion for those ten seconds if I hadn’t done it.  Besides, Lance did it, too.”

Hours later the World Anti-Doping Agency reacted to Landis’ charges. “We have urine samples from every athlete who raced and we keep them for eight years.  It’s true that Landis tested positive and Armstrong never has, but that’s only because Armstrong is better at hiding it.”

Armstrong vehemently disagreed.  “I’ve already battled cancer and won.  Why would I introduce another potentially carcinogenic substance into my body?  Besides,” he added, ”why pick a sport where I have to cheat to be a competitor?”

Dr. Wadler of the World Anti-Doping Agency was unphased by Armstrong’s denial.  “We have better detection methods now than ever before.  We still have a few years to refine our methods before we have to flush the samples we have in our possession.  And, should it turn out an athlete has passed on before we are able to detect the dope in his urine, I will personally hire a ferry to take me across the River Styx and bring him back to face the music!”

“That’s what I’m talking about,” said Landis.  “I just want everyone else to come clean with me.  If they weren’t cheating I wouldn’t have had to either.  It just isn’t fair for me to carry this burden of having lied under oath because my pee tested positive and theirs didn’t.”

Time to “Get Your Preak On” with strangers, horses, men in tight pants with Tupperware hats and armed with whips, and the Reeeeal Uptight Housewives of Baltimore sloshed off Natty Boh with lampshades on their heads and calling them “hats”.  Pimlico has banned the sale of mint juleps, 1. Because Pimlico is not in Kentucky, and 2. Any sign of class at The Preakness would be a PR nightmare and only infuriate the barnyard, i.e. infield, more, already having to settle for a $20 all-you-can-drink compromise after the corporate suits outlawed bringing in your own alcohol.  After a day of heavy drinking, depending on how many times you can make it through the line and to the trough for a refill and an oat bag, and a few unsuccessful attempts to “Run the Gauntlet”, let’s bring out the horses…(the ones actually running the race, for real money; not the horses asses in the infield)

ODDS

5-2          Super Saver – The Derby winner, known as a “mudder” because he happened to win in the mud, looks to kick that label and become a gazelle known for his quicks, en route to the first Triple Crown in 32 years.  Can he win leg 2?  Or will he become glue?

20-1       Aikenite – A self-proclaimed Clay Aiken fan, this horse definitely eats haaaaaay, and only has 1 win in 8 races.  Basically has no chance, and missed the Derby because he was attending a Clay Aiken concert in San Francisco.

20-1       Paddy O’Prado – Despite making a run for it at the Derby and finishing 3^rd, the Irish import cited being bloated from one too many Guinness in the stable pre-race.  He might be better off just running through the infield at The Preakness to get his preak on.

10-1       Caracortado – His name means “Scarface” in Spanish and this California badass is making his first trip east of the Mississippi to run The Preakness.  Earlier in the week, he warned Super Saver, “You think you can take me? You need a f—— army if you gonna take me!”

20-1       Pleasant Prince – His names says it all, he’s soft.  0-for the season, ran the Derby qualifier, but then bailed on the big show because it was muddy and he didn’t want to get his shoes dirty.  Probably the only horse that could buck you in the head and it would feel like you were in a pillow fight.

10-1       Dublin – Another Irishman, son of ’05 Derby winner Afleet Alex.  Finished an uneventful 7^th at the Derby, looking like he was out for a Saturday afternoon jog, and remains winless this season.

15-1       Schoolyard Dreams – Is 5 for 6 in cashing out, some amount, in races so far this year, but can’t quite reach the finish line first.  Probably gets too distracted by infield shenanigans (think topless coeds) at most races.  Expect more of the same at The “Freakness” and bet on a poor showing.

30-1       Northern Giant – Trainer D. Wayne Lukas loves The Preakness.  This year’s entry is his 35th horse in 24 runs at The Preakness.  He isn’t really putting much effort into this year’s event, entering a dud.  He really just likes coming for the free Natty Boh, in his box, and getting to wear his favorite funny hat once a year.  Urban legend has it that he has attempted to “Run the Gauntlet” every year he’s attended.

15-1       Jackson Bend—Upset Alert.  He has a winning pedigree, coming from ’94 Preakness winner Tabasco Cat, and “Action Jackson” as his friends on the circuit are starting to call him, has finished 1^st or 2^nd in every race except the Derby where he placed 12^th.  If he can keep the proper body lean and bend around the turns at The Preakness, he could give Super Saver a scare.

3-1          Lookin At Lucky – Are we?  Maybe we are.  One of Bob Baffert’s horses and he has the balls to name him that.  Clearly, a PR stunt by Mr. Baffert to move the line on his stud, and if it doesn’t pay off for all the drunk, gullible suckers that will bet on him based on being “lucky”, Baffert could have a few infield patrons lookin to kick his UN-lucky ass.

20-1       First Dude – Named after Sarah Palin’s husband, Todd.  An Alaskan horse?  Aren’t those called moose, or caribou, or reindeer?  Is the race on ice?  The odds should be 200-1 and the horse should be named Last Dude.

30-1       Yawanna Twist – Another horse that just doesn’t respect The Prekaness, as a race, and just wants to party in the infield.  The odds show that he’s only showing up for the post-race dance party on the infield to “Get His Preak On”.

Good Luck, and don’t go broke.

He also set records for fastest destruction of a show, most annoying host ever, and exposing an audience to hell for the most consecutive minutes; sixty.