“It’s official, we are divorced,” noted Woods from the speculations, “Besides the number one focus of my kids, it is back to the basics for me. I plan on going back to the way I once was, winning PGA Championships and solidifying my spot as the number ‘player’ in the game.” Woods then continued by going on to say, “Over the past couple months, I haven’t been able to do what made me the best golfer in the game, and that is banging the crap out of the ball and banging the crap out of random tail.” “I’m officially single now, so what does a single bachelor do?” asked Woods, “You go out and have a good time. I’m rich bitch!”

The bell to the seventh race rang and the horses were off. Woods stood and started to cheer, “Come on Thewifedoesntknow! Come on!” The horses came down the stretch and Thewifedoesntknow was running in second, but in the end, Woods and Thewifedoesntknow were the losers as Mywifenosevrything finished in first.

Even innocent bystanders felt the force of the tsunami of horniness that consumed Mickelson.

“An overwhelming wave of horniness just came over me,” said Mickelson as he described what it felt like to essentially become Tiger Woods.

“I grabbed the first hottie I saw and told her, ‘They call me Lefty and I know how to play my hook.’”  Caught up in his sudden sex craze, Mickelson was not shy about fluffing up the grass for the perfect lay with the hottie, right then and there, as the boisterous practice round crowd started chanting, “Phil, Phil, Phil.”

“Omigod, like it was totally Phil Mickelson!” the enthused hottie, a cocktail waitress at nearby Potawatomi Casino in Milwaukee, explained.  “He definitely drove the green and holed out [giggling].”

Tiger weighed in on having his top dog status trumped by Mickelson.  “I know I haven’t been on top of my game lately.  That’s why I’ve brought some people in to help with how I swing.  Or maybe I need new equipment?  I’ve been using the same stuff for years and it’s all pretty worn out.  Like, you know, shafts don’t last forever. “

“It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of blowing off your kids to practice on your game,” admitted Woods.  “I think it’s great for Phil.  He’ll have the opportunity now to wreck his car while sexting and get beaten by his wife with his 9 iron. “

As an added bonus, if Mickelson finishes ahead Tiger at the Championship and overtakes him as the #1 golfer in the world, he will certainly be checking into a shady sex rehab facility in Mississippi.

The Taylormade Terminator 5000, capable of effortlessly hitting 600 yard drives

Taylormade, the company famous for pushing the limit on driver technology, has unveiled their newest product. The Terminator 5000, made especially for higher handicapped golfers, is said to increase driving distance by up to 300 yards.

“It’s going to revolutionize the game,” Dan Brooks, a club golfer with a 36 handicap who recently purchased the Terminator 5000, told reporters. “I never thought I’d hit a 500 yard drive.”

The Terminator 5000, which uses a hydraulic-mechanical arm technology, is powered by an ultra-light gas generator. The Long Drive and its gas generator attach neatly to the included roof rack, which is compatible with most golf carts.

Despite the hype, the Terminator 5000 is not without critics. “Come on, this thing can’t be legal,” said Steve Dubner, Dan Brooks long time golf buddy. “The generators obscenely loud, it takes forever to set up, and then it literally hits the ball for you. Plus, I can’t stand losing to Dan.”

The legality of the Terminator 5000 has frequently been brought into question. Though the extremely powerful arm, constructed out of a titanium alloy, seems like it should be illegal, Taylormade maintains that the club meets all of the USGA’s regulations.

The Terminator 5000 is available for $3,500, and includes the gas generator and roof rack.

On the 17th hole, Woods took out his anger on Price is Right host Drew Carey after a poor shot from the bunker. Woods commented, “Drew was on my ass all day. Sometimes you just don’t come out with your ‘A-game’ and I don’t need someone like him commenting on ever shot.” After his shot on 17, Woods jumped out of the bunker and screamed, “The price is wrong bitch,” and attacked Carey. Woods tackled Carey and the two proceeded to roll down the hill. After a few exchanges, the two were eventually separated.  Woods continued to say, “I know he wanted to win, but when you have one fan constantly yelling ‘Jackass’ all the time, and then Drew adding more to my plate, I just couldn’t take it.” Both men have been separated as a team, but will continue to play in the Pro-Am.

With the British Open less than two weeks away, Woods thinks he knows a way to solve his struggles. “I’m just all built up inside, and I just need a release,” said Woods, who then concluded, “With the divorce and everything else that has gone on in my life recently, I just can’t get that release. Hopefully something comes around that can help me, so that I’m ready for the Open.”

Traditionally, stars have been able to wait for the next big story to remove focus from themselves as evidenced by Tigergate, which has effectively wiped away all focus from Letterman and Jon & Kate. But it would appear that unless Barack has an affair with Hillary, this story “ain’t goin’ nowhere”…

So, In an attempt to put out the flames of the media firestorm that has befallen him, Tiger Woods has launched his own news network, TNN. He hopes that his channel can help take the focus off of the 24 hour coverage into his life.Tigers channel will feature 24 hour News Flashes until one gets picked up by the Majors.

Here is a live feed from TNN: