Infamous 112-year-old Raiders owner Al Davis was apparently attracted to Sheen’s catch phrase, “Winning!” as it echoes his own decree to “Just Win Baby!”

Of course there’s still the question of whether Sheen is qualified to be an NFL coach just because he’s had success on a sitcom. “I’m bi-winning, I win here, I win there. I am special,” he assured everyone gathered at the Raiders press conference introducing him as head coach. “My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.”

Can he win in the NFL and survive as  a new coach under the enigmatic Davis? “I don’t believe in panicking. Panicking is for amateurs and morons.” There’s also concern about how long he could keep up his frantic media pace alongside the rigors and demands of being an NFL coach, but Sheen claims “I don’t have burnout in my gear box.”

Davis recalls first meeting Sheen: “He told me ‘Go back to the troll hole where you came from’, but then someone told him I owned the Raiders and we just hit it off from there.”

Sheen was a surprise hiring, vaulting him ahead of bigger-name coaches assumed to be back in the NFL soon like Bill Cower, Jon Gruden, and Jeff Fischer. “I have real fame,” brags Sheen when asked about those other coaches. “They have nothing.”

While Davis and Sheen might seem like an odd pairing, Sheen’s use of the word “bitchin” and Davis’ penchant for Members Only jackets projects a certain synergy. Davis expects Sheen to pick his own staff (“There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins”) and Davis fully expects Sheen to be on board with Davis’ longtime agenda of beating out the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers. “Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber,” smiles Sheen.

Still no word on Vegas odds for which one of them is the favorite to die first.

The frequent caller released a statement saying “While I have tremendous respect for the Bears and their championship-caliber franchise and would have been honored to maximize big-city exposure with ideal controversy-to-football interest ratio, my loyalty to Baltimore, the Ravens, the Orioles, as well as the University of Maryland, cemented my choice for what would be a life-affirming plan of action, or in this case in-action, by not departing.”

There was allegedly a last-ditch effort by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder to lure Ed From Arbutus with a large cash offer along with the ability to remain in Arbutus and still call into D.C.-area radio stations.

Ed From Arbutus ultimately turned down the Redskins’ big-money offer. “I was impressed with Mr. Snyder’s contact-to-offer velocity,” Ed explained when returning our call for comment. “And while the financial compensatory package was beyond reasonable expectations to contribute to the game I love, I could not and would not entertain the notion of joining forces with a man who’s ruined the once-proud franchise of Sammy Baugh and Sonny Jorgenson. The Burgundy & Gold. The Over-the-Hill Gang and the Hogs. Darrell Green and Art Monk. But I have no dog in that fight. My home is in Baltimore with the Ravens. Thanks for takin’ my call Gentlemen.”

After the horrifying debacle that was the Black Eyed Peas attempt at a musical performance, the league has set aside large sums of money not related to their ongoing revenue dispute with the players in hopes that they could make next year’s show better.

Coming Back From Dead to Play Halftime?

“We looked into the idea of trying to get John Lennon,” one league source told us, “and we actually spoke to Yoko Ono, but she said something about getting a million people to stand in a straight line from some sacred Scandinavian territory to Iceland or something. I had no clue what she was talking about. We checked some maps, it can’t be done.”

The catalyst for this expensive and first-of-its-kind project was the abominable showing by the pop group Black Eyed Peas at Super Bowl XLV. ACME Entertainment Solutions, a group that measures this kinda stuff with ratings and surveys and something called Aggregate Blog Reaction, came out with its findings recently and rated the Black Eyed Peas performance “Fucking Horrible.”

With a Lennon deal unlikely, the committee contacted Janie Hendrix, the sister of the late guitarist and executor of his estate. “She was great,” according to the league source. “I mean she just started giving us a routing number and asking where to sign. Although there’s not much in the way of new unreleased songs in Jimi’s vault, Janie’s promised that they’d be able to come up with a release to coincide with the Super Bowl. And of course if everything works out with the science part of bringing him back to life, we all look forward to meeting Jimi. We’re big fans.”

The accidental deal, similar in scope to AOL’s recent $315 million buyout of the Huffington Post, is expected to shake conventional wisdom of how print journalism can be profitable in a digital world.

It’s ironic that after Snyder and his people warned that his frivolous lawsuit would be too expensive for Atalaya Capital Management (owner of Creative Loafing Inc., the parent company of Washington City Paper) to defend, the explosion of web traffic provided the exact financial boon they needed to do just that.

As the NFL looks to spend an offseason in a lockout while figuring out how to divide their billions, and sports journalism continues to be strangled by new media conglomerates, Snyder could find himself with strange bedfellows in the newly powerful City Paper, now valued at $263 million thanks to the attention from Snyder’s suit.

When reached for comment, an unnamed City Paper official said their most recent contact from Snyder’s camp came when “someone called us but it turned out they were just hoping we’d buy a luxury box now that we’re such heavy hitters. We bought two.”

Here’s the deal: they have Washington’s Birthday or I guess now they sorta combined him with Lincoln and made it “Presidents Day.” Third Monday in February I think it is. And the Super Bowl that used to be played in late January, now increasingly falls out on the first few days of February. Not a huge deal, but that puts it a bit further from Martin Luther King Day, and it has become a “February” event in our minds. “January football” now means Playoffs and “if you wanna be playing in February” is now a direct reference to making it to the Super Bowl.

So, you see where I’m going with this right? Presidents Day is kinda pointless anyway, right? It’s just some random Monday off. It’s not like we plan family visits or anything. And it usually isn’t really on Washington’s actual birthday, so why not move it back couple weeks and make it the first Monday in February? Like it matters. Jesus wasn’t born on December 25.

But wait…. that’s not all. I’m not proposing the day after Super Bowl be Presidents Day just for the partying factor and being able to stay up late for the game (hey, a new generation of kids/fans/consumers need to be raised, how can they watch the big game if they got school in the morning?). And it’s not to avoid calling in sick, AKA hungover.

This is actually an economic stimulus package that I implore President Obama, enthusiastic sports fan that he is, to embrace and pursue. Presidents Day is usually filled with ridiculous sales on cars and mattresses (two items that are ALWAYS on sale). They drum up these silly commercials with cartoons of Lincoln and Washington to tell us to shop for stuff. Why? Most of us just do laundry that day and wonder what might be open or closed, since it’s not really a holiday but it is. So no one shops. Wasted holiday.

So, once you move it the day after the Super Bowl, Presidents Day will be right after the day/night famous for not just football, but the fact that 10’s of millions of Americans of all demographics gather around their TV’s to WATCH THE COMMERCIALS. Personally I’m all about the game. But a LOT of people come right out and say they are “excited” for the “commercials.”

What an opportunity! Wouldn’t it be awesome if, the day after the Super Bowl, hordes of Americans were off work and school, and heading out to buy the cars and colas and countless other crappy items they saw advertised the night before!

This makes too much sense. And while it might not happen, I think it’s more likely than the NFL moving the game to Saturday. But, until then, just keep callin’ in sick.

Sponsored by Land O’Frost, a lunch meat company you’ve never heard of… and let’s face it we probably shouldn’t be eating sketchy sliced meats from people we don’t know, the contest offers fans a grand prize of half-priced rooms at the Sheraton Canton (including continental breakfast), parking passes to be near some of the action, and a chance to take photos outside of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Museum itself.

The league and the mystery meat manufacturer are sparing no expense for this once-in-a-lifetime experience as winners will also eat free at B & Mary’s Classic Diner on legendary Tuscarawas Street.

The lucky fans will then be ushered via shuttle bus to the site of this years festivities where they will watch on a big screen outside the venue as Marshall Faulk, Shannon Sharpe, Richard Dent, Deion Sanders, Ed Sabol, Les Richter and Chris Hanburger are inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Folding chairs will probably be provided.

For the annual Hall of Fame game that kicks off the pre-season, winners might just find a local sports bar or an Applebee’s with a good TV.

See http://landofrost.com for more details and keep in mind that a lock out or delayed schedule will likely screw this whole thing up for the winners, so don’t get your hopes up even if you do win this contest.

The official statement issued reads, “Maryland law enforcement officials issued a warning to the Baltimore area. Arriving in town this week is a man with a violent history towards women. He is said to wear yellow and black, trolls around in women bathrooms, and answers to the name of Ben. Authorities caution Baltimore area women to beware of this perpetrator from now until the early morning hours of December 6th.”

“I’m not going to say that I am nervous about this weekend. I believe everyone gets a second chance,” says Tommy Bangs, father of two daughters, “But will I make sure my daughters are safe when Sunday comes around? You bet your sweet ass I will.”

Since the Ravens, Steelers rivalry is so heated between players, between fans, that the addition to Ben’s return to Baltimore raises the bar to a whole new level. When Ben steps foot in Baltimore, he has been told to wear his cup at all times. One so he keeps it in his pants, but also because so many people will be wanting to kick him in the dick.

The industry has been in free fall in the area over the past few years, beginning with the Celtics trade of Sebastian Telfair in July 2007.  It was thought the recession had hit its low point after the Red Sox trade of Manny Ramirez in mid-2008, and recovery had seemed strong when the Celtics added Rasheed Wallace the following summer.  However, Wallace’s sudden retirement following the NBA Finals sent dealers back to the unemployment lines.

Now, with Moss taking his posse to Minnesota, it is only getting worse for the Boston area.

“Moss was a great customer,” said Dorchester dealer Willie D.  “You could count on him, or someone from his group, stopping by a couple times a week.  Always Monday after a game, usually once later in the week and, if they were playing on a Monday night he’d usually need a third hit on Saturday.  Dude was consistent.”

Sales of pot are expected to drop an additional 7-9% from 2009, although some analysts remain optimistic that the Patriots could fill Moss’ spot with a bright prospect.  The Patriots also have some young players who could pick up the slack for Moss, such as tight end Aaron Hernandez, the former stoner from the University of Florida who currently ranks second on the Pats in receiving, behind Wes Welker, and third in Doritos consumed, behind Moss and Brandon Meriweather.  Delonte West’s recent wrist injury is also expected to boost sales, as the guard will have plenty of time to sit at home, rehab, and toke up.

While That Guy’s identity hasn’t been confirmed, Chucky has given in-game hints like “That Guy is a football player” during telecasts.

The League has yet to comment on numerous blog reports that That Guy is likely San Francisco 49ers LB Patrick Willis. Tapes reveal that during the Saints-Niners MNF game, Gruden declared “That’s guy leads the league from the linebacker position in… holy smokes plays!”**

_______________

**Actual quote from Jon Gruden’s on air comments during the game.

With Brett Favre struggling and looking old and grizzly, we turned to another grizzled old bearded guy and had Bob Seger re-write one of his classic tunes to honor what might be the beginning of the end for ol’ number 4.

STILL THE SAME

You used to win, every time you placed a bet
Now you ain’t no good
Why won’t you retire, Brett
Every time you were sure the pass was caught
That back was quicker than you thought
You just hold your arm and walk

You always said
Your arm would never do you wrong
The trick you said
Was never play the game too long
A gamblin’ man
There’s no risk that you won’t take
The only loss you could forsake
Another injury you can fake

And you’re still the same
Thought you’d retired yesterday
Still starting game to game
No one dares get in your way
Turning on the charm
Running down to celebrate
Til the game is getting late
And you throw high

There you stood
Everybody watched the play
You just turned and walked away
There’s nothing left to say
‘Cause you’re still the same
You’re still the same
A star to ESPN
Some things never change
Why don’t you text Jenn

“I don’t know what we did, but I think we need to rectify it immediately.” said Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding, “This is just getting ridiculous.”

The San Diego Chargers, who are a statistical juggernaut, are 2-5 and no one seems to be able to answer why.  They are the leading team in terms of both offense and defense, yet they are still struggling.  To put an end to the confusion, I interviewed the Football Gods to see what the deal was.

“I just don’t like how Philip Rivers throws,” said Gorgias, the God of Quarterbacks, “it just looks really weird.  Anyone who has his mechanics deserves to lose.  I mean just looking at it is mind boggling, how can he throw it that far without bringing the ball back at all, I’ll tell you how, he made a deal with the Football Devil.”

With this interesting revelation, I decided to give the Football Devil a call as well to no avail.  He was out of town on a business trip with Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis.  I did get a statement from his secretary Nick Saban though.  Regarding whether Rivers made a deal with the Football Devil to have advanced, insane throwing mechanics Saban had this to say, “Yes.”  I then asked if anyone else had posed an inquiry to help their mechanics out, “Ryan Leaf did and…well…you see how that turned out.  I’ll tell you who we could really help out if he would get off of his high horse…Tim Tebow.”

Of course Tebow would not be interested because he worships the real God, which the Football Gods take issue with, “If he wants to get anywhere in the NFL he better start worshiping us and ditch this ‘real God’ bull crap.  Until he does…3rd string it is.” said Gorgias.

NFL Probe: Brett Favre May Have Texted Inappropriate Pictures to Other Athletes

The party consisted of a costume contest, and the winner didn’t just go to one person, it went to a group. The winner, the defensive backs, who came dressed as “shut down corners.” “We all came together and thought what would be really good, and we knew exactly what to go as,” said Fabian Washington.” Josh Wilson added, “Fabian was the creator of this idea, but I stand behind it. I mean look at us, we won the costume contest.”

Asked whether they may bring a little bit of humor to next weeks game and keep the Halloween fun going, Chris Carr answered, “Nah, it’s back to business. We’ll be back to normal against Miami. We made Fitzpatrick look like a Pro Bowler, so we will probably make Henne look like one too.”

After receiving the message, Favre called an impromptu press conference in order to secure the top story on SportsCenter at 11PM.  The pic message was received at 7:52PM EST, after the 6PM SportsCenter had already aired.

Favre gives Roethlisberger's "slot reciever" a thumbs up.

Favre told reporters that Roethlisberger sent him a pic of his “slot receiver”.

“He called it his ‘slot receiver’.  He said it’s the one that always gets him in trouble on and off the field, causes him to make stupid mistakes.  And I can relate to that and appreciate it.  He understands what I’m going through.  Penis drama can be tough to deal with.  It’s even starting to affect my elbow.”

Favre also made clear the details of the graphic pic message.

“I will say this—it was obvious that Ben’s not a Wrangler man! And his nickname, “Big Ben,” isn’t exactly accurate…if ya know what I’m sayin’!”

Roethlisberger was unavailable for comment, but his agent commented that Ben just wanted to “offer his manhood in support of Brett’s manhood.”  He also said Roethlisberger is considering playing his first game back from suspension vs. Cleveland with no pants to really show his support.

Randy Moss has already blamed defensive end Jared Allen for telling him this is an acceptable way to wear his hair.

Vikings’ General Manager Rick Spielman explained that there wasn’t enough controversy in the teams locker room, and that Moss’s prolific ability as a wide receiver had nothing to do with the acquisition.

Though Brett Favre’s ability to unreasonably blame his teammates for everything is legendary, the Viking’s front office wanted to ensure that the team would remain a focal point in the media regardless of how terrible their record is. “With Favre and Moss publicly calling out the rest of the team after every loss, we should have a real cluster[expletive] of blame going around here,” said Vikings’ defensive end Jared Allen.

Moss, despite not having played a game since being traded, has already blamed Vikings’ offensive coordinator Darrel Bevell for his inability to get separation from All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis in the upcoming monday night game. In a related story, the Pittsburgh Steelers expect the return of Ben Roethlisberger to solidify their ability to get sexual assault charges.