Boise State coach Chris Petersen remains connected to the BCS's virtual reality, enjoying a world where his team actually has a chance to play for the national championship.

Experts believe that the BCS became self-aware sometime this past week, murdering the only six people with a strong understanding of its programing. Experts also believe that the computers don’t give Oregon enough credit, and that Boise State is the real victim of the maniacal system.

The BCS tried to enslave mankind by harvesting electrical impulses from the brains of humans, keeping the enslaved ignorant of their situation by plugging them into a virtual reality. In order to keep the vegetative humans from rebelling, the virtual reality featured a college football playoff system.

Military personnel were able to hack into the computer’s hard drive, but the system could not be shut down due to a contractual agreement between the NCAA and the BCS that extends until 2014.

Not surprisingly, this fan base has responded very poorly to a black mascot

The University of Mississippi’s new mascot, Rebel Black Bear, has been met with extreme disapproval by many of the school’s alumni. As of today, the deaths of 34 alumni have been tied to the new mascot.

William Lively, a member of the class of 1951, died of a heart attack moments after hearing of the new mascot. “His heart just couldn’t take Colonel Reb being replaced by a black mascot,” said Lively’s doctor. ” He hadn’t been in stable condition since the school banned Confederate flags, and seeing something black represent his school, it just pushed him over the edge.”

In another tragic incident, the five remaining members of the Delta Tau Delta pledge class of 1946 responded to the new mascot with a mass suicide. “It’s an extremely sad situation,” said a representative of the Oxford, MS, police force. “I just don’t think I can love something black the way I loved Colonel Reb…and this mass suicide is pretty sad too.”

This is the worst tragedy for the University of Mississippi Alumni since the election of Barack Obama, which lead to over 2000 grief related deaths.

Sources from the Ohio St. athletic department say that Brutus was out on his weekly journey deep in the woods of central Ohio collecting buckeye leaves to be melted down and made into helmet stickers for the #2 Buckeyes.

“I’m speechless,” said head coach Jim Tressel, clearly distraught.  “What are odds?  That’s like me not wearing a sweater vest on game day, or us beating an SEC team in a bowl game.  It just doesn’t happen!”

The bobcat initially thought he was the victor after his kill then suddenly collapsed and died at the scene.  He apparently died from eating Brutus’ poisonous head.  Stupid bobcat.

“We finally decided that a more reliable source of lighting was needed,” said Michigan AD David Brandon.  “Most of our fans who help us out with the lighting drive padiddles, so the lighting pattern’s all scattered and it’s huge mess!—and it hurts my eyes.”

“Also, since we’re not really that good and kinda irrelevant, we think playing some night games might help.  That seems to be popular among the good teams these days,” added Brandon, pointing out more advantages to having lights. “Oh, and it’s the 21^st century^.”

113,000, lights, 120 hour practice weeks...

Coach Rich Rodriguez was excited to hear about the stadium getting lights.  He now hopes to hold practices well into night.  Rodriguez is setting the team’s goals high by aiming for a 120 practice week and committing other discreet NCAA violations.

“We’ll definitely have a bigger home field advantage now that we can cram and pull all-nighters Friday night before home games,” said Rodriguez.

Committing the violations does not seem to be of concern to the administration.

The AD remarked on the coach’s plans. “We have made every effort to be as transparent as possible — to do this under the lights. We’ve made some necessary improvements, and now we are eager to move forward.”

“Hey, I got a free trip to Seattle for the hearings over the last set of violations!”  Rodriguez was clearly excited about traveling outside Ann Arbor and into the civilized world.

“They have this great coffee place out there called Starbucks.  You ever hear of these?  We don’t have them in West Virginia or Ann Arbor.  Hell, we’re just getting lights in Ann Arbor!”

The University has said that it may also look into adding plumbing in 2012 to handle the constant overflow of shit from fans, players, coaches, and refs, at the Big House.

“We’ve put a lot of thought into it, and we feel that the only humane course of action is to put down the entire conference,” said Fugate. “It was really hard in week two to see all those ranked ACC teams suffering on national television.”

Florida State, who was embarrassed by Oklahoma on national television, reminded the media that if they're euthanized, we'll never see this girl again.

Kirk Herbstret, an ESPN football analyst, appeared in front of the Senate to present information on ACC football’s ongoing suffering. Herbstriet urged the Senate to act quickly in euthanizing the conference, explaining that “This is worse than [hurricane] Katrina or Darfur.”

ACC commissioner John Swofford is pleading with officials to give the ACC two more weeks, citing NC State’s 3-0 start as a beacon of hope. FEMA plans to finance the quick, merciful killing by auctioning off the conference’s automatic BCS bid.

Investigators followed the lead to College Park over the weekend where it became clear that Maryland’s football program is non-existent.

“We asked repeatedly to speak with someone from the football team, like, say, the head coach!–and they kept sending us to the damn Sigma Kappa Phi house,” said one investigator who was clearly agitated.  Sig Kap is the home of the legendary intramural flag football program that has won 34 consecutive championships.

"The Fridge" aka The Impostor

Eventually, investigators caught up with men’s basketball coach, Gary Williams.  Williams called a man he referred to as “The Fridge” to his office and introduced him as the head football coach. “The Fridge” could not produce any evidence of a football program, however was very forceful in letting investigators know Subway is the official sponsor of Maryland athletics. It was later discovered that “The Fridge” is an impostor as head football coach and his real identity is a sandwich artist, and avid Jared fan, named Ralph at a local Subway.

After the findings at Maryland, the NCAA is concerned that other cases of non-existent football programs could be found throughout the ACC at schools such as NC State, Virginia, Duke and Wake Forest.

Six reasons to continue to follow USC in spite of sanctions

Counting industry expert, Elmo, attempts to eat the microphone while addressing the media about conference counting.

Now that conference commissioners, university presidents, and athletic directors can calmly and collectively put out the fires in their hair, after averting Armageddon, they can now begin to focus on a problem that has suddenly plagued collegiate conferences: counting.

After Texas announced that they were staying in the Big 12 and saving the conference from implosion, conference officials were thrown through a loop, couldn’t keep track of what was happening, and lost track of their counting.

When the dust settled, Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pac-10 and Nebraska left the Big 12 for the Big Ten, (11, actually).  As a result, the Pac-10 now has 11, the Big Ten has 12, and the Big 12 has 10.  Do you follow?

When asked how many schools are now in the conference, a Pac-10 official counted the schools on his fingers and concluded 11.  He then asked, “11, is that right?”  He was right, but how?  Not sure.

A Big Ten official insisted the conference still had only 10 teams.  “We have 10.  The Big Ten.”  When informed that the conference now has 12 (obviously, no point in stating that they’ve had 11 in the Big Ten for the past 17 years,   uh umm…Penn St.), the official replied, “Well, I don’t know how we’re gonna shimmy a 2 into our Big Ten logo, now.  Did you ever notice we have like, a 1, engraved in our logo?  Why’d we do that? Hmmm?”

After hearing the comments from the other conference officials, a Big 12 spokesman looked to clear the air.  When asked about the other conferences having 11 and 12, despite being named the Pac-10 and Big Ten, respectively, and what the Big 12 was going to do now only having 10, the spokesman simply answered, “Everything’s bigger in Texas.”  Assuming he meant 10 somehow equals 12 in Texas…?

Conference officials have contacted the counting industries top experts, Sesame Street’s Count Von Count and Elmo, to advise in implementing counting programs at affected universities.

Elmo commented on the opportunity saying, “Elmo loves counting!  Yay!!”  Count Von Count was unavailable for comment given the phone call was placed during daylight.

Not to be left out, the SEC stepped in to make its presence known.  “That’s what y’all get when some damn Yankees, some cowboys, and ‘dem surfer-types try to wrangle with one ‘dem word problems,” explained an official.  “That’s why we keep it simple, S-E-C.  We even keep our letters in alphabetical order.”

Pac-10, Big Ten, and Big 12 officials will continue to discuss logo-swapping and other measures to combat their counting issues.

Scott was leaning towards a mass email, to Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma St., and Colorado, when an assistant informed him that people hate mass emails and an Evite would be a gesture more likely to woo and not piss off.

“I just told him what usually happens when people see an email addressed to like, 5, 10 other people,” the assistant said.  “They usually just glance at what bullshit cause they want money for or know that it’s gonna tell them to forward it to 60 other people to be lucky, or whatever, and delete it.”

The assistant continued, “And we have several templates to choose from; sunsets, think long walks on the beach; or party templates with martini glasses and streamers; and I think they have a corporate takeover one with dollar signs and suits laughing…that’s probably the one we’ll use.”

Scott’s only concern about sending the Evite is that he does not have an Evite account.  His assistant showed him how to set one up, but they had been running into problems finding a unique user name.

“I tried “LarrytheGreat”, “L$cott”, “packyourbags12”, “SE-Cmeownyou”, “enjoythecorn10”, and “Pac-thi$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!” and it kept telling me that these names are already in use.  Can you believe that?  Seriously? ”

Scott’s assistant reassured him that they would work through the night, if need be, to come up with a unique user name and have the Evite ready for Friday.

Other advantages to using the Evite cited by Scott were the fact that “everyone likes getting an invitation,” and he would not need to keep track of separate emails and color code them in his inbox according to each schools colors.

Despite Colorado jumping the gun, on Thursday afternoon, and “accepting” an early informal invite to join the conference, Scott’s assistant said that Colorado would still receive the Evite to see if they wanted to bring a guest or leave a comment about joining the Pac-10.

“Well yeah, that’s why we’re sending it,” reiterated Scott.  “Kinda gotta know who’s coming.”