”Man, I couldn’t believe it,” said senior forward John Holland.  “I was all excited, ready to go dancing, then they give us Kansas.  Damn, they couldn’t even put us up against Notre Dame or Pittsburgh or anything, it’s gotta be Kansas.  We’re screwed.”

Injured center Jake O’Brien admitted that the Terriers’ seniors attempted to convince coach Pat Chambers to decline the bid, hoping for a more favorable invite to the less intense NIT or College Basketball Invitational.

“We did well in the CBI last year,” explained O’Brien.  “Why not do that again?  We could win a few games, have some fun and go out on a high note.  Why travel to Oklahoma and get killed?”

Despite his players protests, Chambers remains optimistic about his team’s chances.

“I think we could keep it close.  It is Kansas after all, don’t they always find a way to collapse in the tournament?  Or did that stop once Roy [Williams] left?”

Infamous 112-year-old Raiders owner Al Davis was apparently attracted to Sheen’s catch phrase, “Winning!” as it echoes his own decree to “Just Win Baby!”

Of course there’s still the question of whether Sheen is qualified to be an NFL coach just because he’s had success on a sitcom. “I’m bi-winning, I win here, I win there. I am special,” he assured everyone gathered at the Raiders press conference introducing him as head coach. “My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.”

Can he win in the NFL and survive as  a new coach under the enigmatic Davis? “I don’t believe in panicking. Panicking is for amateurs and morons.” There’s also concern about how long he could keep up his frantic media pace alongside the rigors and demands of being an NFL coach, but Sheen claims “I don’t have burnout in my gear box.”

Davis recalls first meeting Sheen: “He told me ‘Go back to the troll hole where you came from’, but then someone told him I owned the Raiders and we just hit it off from there.”

Sheen was a surprise hiring, vaulting him ahead of bigger-name coaches assumed to be back in the NFL soon like Bill Cower, Jon Gruden, and Jeff Fischer. “I have real fame,” brags Sheen when asked about those other coaches. “They have nothing.”

While Davis and Sheen might seem like an odd pairing, Sheen’s use of the word “bitchin” and Davis’ penchant for Members Only jackets projects a certain synergy. Davis expects Sheen to pick his own staff (“There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins”) and Davis fully expects Sheen to be on board with Davis’ longtime agenda of beating out the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers. “Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber,” smiles Sheen.

Still no word on Vegas odds for which one of them is the favorite to die first.

“Playing in New York for the Knicks is something Carmelo Anthony has always dreamed of,” said Anthony, referring to himself in third person.

While still in Denver dealing with trade rumors swirling to tornado levels before the NBA All-Star break, Anthony praised himself, though technically not in the third-person tense, by saying “I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff that’s going on and still be able to go out there and play at the high level that I can play at. I really don’t think an average person can walk in my shoes. I don’t think that.”

At press time, we couldn’t confirm if he had taken off a Nuggets hat, a Knicks hat, or just some other unrelated hat, or whether he made the gesture in a mirror. In fact, we’re still not sure how someone could take their hat off to themselves or if Anthony is the first person (pardon the pun) to ever take his hat off to himself. He does make a good point about the average person’s ability to walk in his shoes: the average man wears a size 10 shoe, while Anthony’s shoes are likely much, much bigger than that, as he stands at 6 feet 8 inches, certainly a lot taller than the average person.

Now that he’s in New York, Anthony finally gives the Knicks their first true superstar scorer who talks about himself in third person since Stephon Marbury. Former NBA sharpshooter Chuck Person was unavailable for comment.

The frequent caller released a statement saying “While I have tremendous respect for the Bears and their championship-caliber franchise and would have been honored to maximize big-city exposure with ideal controversy-to-football interest ratio, my loyalty to Baltimore, the Ravens, the Orioles, as well as the University of Maryland, cemented my choice for what would be a life-affirming plan of action, or in this case in-action, by not departing.”

There was allegedly a last-ditch effort by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder to lure Ed From Arbutus with a large cash offer along with the ability to remain in Arbutus and still call into D.C.-area radio stations.

Ed From Arbutus ultimately turned down the Redskins’ big-money offer. “I was impressed with Mr. Snyder’s contact-to-offer velocity,” Ed explained when returning our call for comment. “And while the financial compensatory package was beyond reasonable expectations to contribute to the game I love, I could not and would not entertain the notion of joining forces with a man who’s ruined the once-proud franchise of Sammy Baugh and Sonny Jorgenson. The Burgundy & Gold. The Over-the-Hill Gang and the Hogs. Darrell Green and Art Monk. But I have no dog in that fight. My home is in Baltimore with the Ravens. Thanks for takin’ my call Gentlemen.”

The new venture is expected to be called ESPN-ESPN.

Just as the city-specific sites focus on teams and stories pertaining to that region, ESPN-ESPN will feature stories about ESPN personalities and ESPN programming, as well as highlights of highlights.

Fans of the omnipresent sports conglomerate can look forward to not just simply reading columns by the Sports Guy Bill Simmons on the main site, but features on ESPN-ESPN about Bill Simmons, explanations of all of his pop culture references, and flow charts connecting his buddy House to his other buddy Jacko. There will be video games where you can take the Simmons family dog for a virtual walk after your favorite team suffers a stomach-punch loss.

Who Woulda Thunk It Would Come To All This?

The ESPN-ESPN website is expected to publish box scores comparing the number of stories first reported by Adam Schefter vs. those broken by Chris Mortensen.

ESPN-ESPN.com will feature an online education portal where Professor John Clayton will host a variety of webinar lectures. While there was some considerable initial buzz in the blogosphere about an alleged “Erin Andrews Cam,” it turns out that there will be an Erin Cam, but only one of the G-rated variety that will just show fans how much behind-the-scenes work goes into her reports. Rick Reilly will also mail some stuff in.

Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, of the popular ESPN Radio show “Mike and Mike in the Morning,” both agree that ESPN-ESPN will be fantastic.

And oh-by-the-way, Chris Berman will have his own page on ESPN-ESPN chronicling all his played-out puns and nicknames. But who knows, he’s always circling the wagons so perhaps he’ll get his own network called ESPN-BOOM.

After the horrifying debacle that was the Black Eyed Peas attempt at a musical performance, the league has set aside large sums of money not related to their ongoing revenue dispute with the players in hopes that they could make next year’s show better.

Coming Back From Dead to Play Halftime?

“We looked into the idea of trying to get John Lennon,” one league source told us, “and we actually spoke to Yoko Ono, but she said something about getting a million people to stand in a straight line from some sacred Scandinavian territory to Iceland or something. I had no clue what she was talking about. We checked some maps, it can’t be done.”

The catalyst for this expensive and first-of-its-kind project was the abominable showing by the pop group Black Eyed Peas at Super Bowl XLV. ACME Entertainment Solutions, a group that measures this kinda stuff with ratings and surveys and something called Aggregate Blog Reaction, came out with its findings recently and rated the Black Eyed Peas performance “Fucking Horrible.”

With a Lennon deal unlikely, the committee contacted Janie Hendrix, the sister of the late guitarist and executor of his estate. “She was great,” according to the league source. “I mean she just started giving us a routing number and asking where to sign. Although there’s not much in the way of new unreleased songs in Jimi’s vault, Janie’s promised that they’d be able to come up with a release to coincide with the Super Bowl. And of course if everything works out with the science part of bringing him back to life, we all look forward to meeting Jimi. We’re big fans.”

The accidental deal, similar in scope to AOL’s recent $315 million buyout of the Huffington Post, is expected to shake conventional wisdom of how print journalism can be profitable in a digital world.

It’s ironic that after Snyder and his people warned that his frivolous lawsuit would be too expensive for Atalaya Capital Management (owner of Creative Loafing Inc., the parent company of Washington City Paper) to defend, the explosion of web traffic provided the exact financial boon they needed to do just that.

As the NFL looks to spend an offseason in a lockout while figuring out how to divide their billions, and sports journalism continues to be strangled by new media conglomerates, Snyder could find himself with strange bedfellows in the newly powerful City Paper, now valued at $263 million thanks to the attention from Snyder’s suit.

When reached for comment, an unnamed City Paper official said their most recent contact from Snyder’s camp came when “someone called us but it turned out they were just hoping we’d buy a luxury box now that we’re such heavy hitters. We bought two.”

Sponsored by Land O’Frost, a lunch meat company you’ve never heard of… and let’s face it we probably shouldn’t be eating sketchy sliced meats from people we don’t know, the contest offers fans a grand prize of half-priced rooms at the Sheraton Canton (including continental breakfast), parking passes to be near some of the action, and a chance to take photos outside of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Museum itself.

The league and the mystery meat manufacturer are sparing no expense for this once-in-a-lifetime experience as winners will also eat free at B & Mary’s Classic Diner on legendary Tuscarawas Street.

The lucky fans will then be ushered via shuttle bus to the site of this years festivities where they will watch on a big screen outside the venue as Marshall Faulk, Shannon Sharpe, Richard Dent, Deion Sanders, Ed Sabol, Les Richter and Chris Hanburger are inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Folding chairs will probably be provided.

For the annual Hall of Fame game that kicks off the pre-season, winners might just find a local sports bar or an Applebee’s with a good TV.

See http://landofrost.com for more details and keep in mind that a lock out or delayed schedule will likely screw this whole thing up for the winners, so don’t get your hopes up even if you do win this contest.

A lot of people criticized this team, and LeBron in particular, for not being hungry enough. But now they’ve got the munchies since they started buying into Spoelstra, who bears a striking resistance to Kumar from the movie Harold & Kumar. Or Harold. No, wait, he looks like Kumar.

Coach Spo hopes to avoid party fouls as he leads the Miami Heat to White Castle.

After one recent victory, Dwyane Wade explained “Coach Spo represents both Harold and Kumar, like this complex dichotomy, depending on how he needs approaching each player in different situations. We had our struggles early on, but that was just the paranoia creepin’ in. But we know Coach Spo has the good stuff. Now we’re having fun out there, giggling a lot. We know he can get us where we we’re tryin’ to get, and that’s White Castle.

While many reports had surfaced regarding the possibility that Team President Pat Riley would return to the bench and coach, he’s more likely to make a different sort of power move: bringing in Neil Patrick Harris in a cameo role as Steve Kerr. “I would welcome anyone that could help this team,” said James. “And Steve Kerr has knocked down a lot of huge 3’s in championship situations. Even if it was only Neal Patrick Harris dressed up as Steve Kerr, we’re all about improving this ballclub. Besides, NPH is a bro.”

Wade, James, and former Toronto Raptor who looks like an actual dinosaur raptor Chris Bosh still don’t have a cemented nickname, beyond the generic and already taken “Big 3.” Given Spoelstra’s appearance, a few NBA bloggers have suggested calling them “Harold & Kumar 3” since there have been two Harold & Kumar movies so far. But that’s stupid. Even LeBron’s people know that’s stupid.

The official statement issued reads, “Maryland law enforcement officials issued a warning to the Baltimore area. Arriving in town this week is a man with a violent history towards women. He is said to wear yellow and black, trolls around in women bathrooms, and answers to the name of Ben. Authorities caution Baltimore area women to beware of this perpetrator from now until the early morning hours of December 6th.”

“I’m not going to say that I am nervous about this weekend. I believe everyone gets a second chance,” says Tommy Bangs, father of two daughters, “But will I make sure my daughters are safe when Sunday comes around? You bet your sweet ass I will.”

Since the Ravens, Steelers rivalry is so heated between players, between fans, that the addition to Ben’s return to Baltimore raises the bar to a whole new level. When Ben steps foot in Baltimore, he has been told to wear his cup at all times. One so he keeps it in his pants, but also because so many people will be wanting to kick him in the dick.

The industry has been in free fall in the area over the past few years, beginning with the Celtics trade of Sebastian Telfair in July 2007.  It was thought the recession had hit its low point after the Red Sox trade of Manny Ramirez in mid-2008, and recovery had seemed strong when the Celtics added Rasheed Wallace the following summer.  However, Wallace’s sudden retirement following the NBA Finals sent dealers back to the unemployment lines.

Now, with Moss taking his posse to Minnesota, it is only getting worse for the Boston area.

“Moss was a great customer,” said Dorchester dealer Willie D.  “You could count on him, or someone from his group, stopping by a couple times a week.  Always Monday after a game, usually once later in the week and, if they were playing on a Monday night he’d usually need a third hit on Saturday.  Dude was consistent.”

Sales of pot are expected to drop an additional 7-9% from 2009, although some analysts remain optimistic that the Patriots could fill Moss’ spot with a bright prospect.  The Patriots also have some young players who could pick up the slack for Moss, such as tight end Aaron Hernandez, the former stoner from the University of Florida who currently ranks second on the Pats in receiving, behind Wes Welker, and third in Doritos consumed, behind Moss and Brandon Meriweather.  Delonte West’s recent wrist injury is also expected to boost sales, as the guard will have plenty of time to sit at home, rehab, and toke up.

Boise State coach Chris Petersen remains connected to the BCS's virtual reality, enjoying a world where his team actually has a chance to play for the national championship.

Experts believe that the BCS became self-aware sometime this past week, murdering the only six people with a strong understanding of its programing. Experts also believe that the computers don’t give Oregon enough credit, and that Boise State is the real victim of the maniacal system.

The BCS tried to enslave mankind by harvesting electrical impulses from the brains of humans, keeping the enslaved ignorant of their situation by plugging them into a virtual reality. In order to keep the vegetative humans from rebelling, the virtual reality featured a college football playoff system.

Military personnel were able to hack into the computer’s hard drive, but the system could not be shut down due to a contractual agreement between the NCAA and the BCS that extends until 2014.

“I don’t know what we did, but I think we need to rectify it immediately.” said Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding, “This is just getting ridiculous.”

The San Diego Chargers, who are a statistical juggernaut, are 2-5 and no one seems to be able to answer why.  They are the leading team in terms of both offense and defense, yet they are still struggling.  To put an end to the confusion, I interviewed the Football Gods to see what the deal was.

“I just don’t like how Philip Rivers throws,” said Gorgias, the God of Quarterbacks, “it just looks really weird.  Anyone who has his mechanics deserves to lose.  I mean just looking at it is mind boggling, how can he throw it that far without bringing the ball back at all, I’ll tell you how, he made a deal with the Football Devil.”

With this interesting revelation, I decided to give the Football Devil a call as well to no avail.  He was out of town on a business trip with Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis.  I did get a statement from his secretary Nick Saban though.  Regarding whether Rivers made a deal with the Football Devil to have advanced, insane throwing mechanics Saban had this to say, “Yes.”  I then asked if anyone else had posed an inquiry to help their mechanics out, “Ryan Leaf did and…well…you see how that turned out.  I’ll tell you who we could really help out if he would get off of his high horse…Tim Tebow.”

Of course Tebow would not be interested because he worships the real God, which the Football Gods take issue with, “If he wants to get anywhere in the NFL he better start worshiping us and ditch this ‘real God’ bull crap.  Until he does…3rd string it is.” said Gorgias.

Most Red Sox fans were so thrilled and relieved to have New York out of the playoffs so they won’t have to think about them even though they are obsessed with them and couldn’t stop if they wanted to and will likely spend the entire World Series talking about how great it is that the Yankees aren’t in it.

Onlookers and witnesses reported both versions of Johnny Damon’s jersey being burned. As the celebration lasted through the night, it was unclear why the Red Sox fans hated the Yankees and yet had become them in red uniforms.

The party consisted of a costume contest, and the winner didn’t just go to one person, it went to a group. The winner, the defensive backs, who came dressed as “shut down corners.” “We all came together and thought what would be really good, and we knew exactly what to go as,” said Fabian Washington.” Josh Wilson added, “Fabian was the creator of this idea, but I stand behind it. I mean look at us, we won the costume contest.”

Asked whether they may bring a little bit of humor to next weeks game and keep the Halloween fun going, Chris Carr answered, “Nah, it’s back to business. We’ll be back to normal against Miami. We made Fitzpatrick look like a Pro Bowler, so we will probably make Henne look like one too.”