Here’s the deal: they have Washington’s Birthday or I guess now they sorta combined him with Lincoln and made it “Presidents Day.” Third Monday in February I think it is. And the Super Bowl that used to be played in late January, now increasingly falls out on the first few days of February. Not a huge deal, but that puts it a bit further from Martin Luther King Day, and it has become a “February” event in our minds. “January football” now means Playoffs and “if you wanna be playing in February” is now a direct reference to making it to the Super Bowl.

So, you see where I’m going with this right? Presidents Day is kinda pointless anyway, right? It’s just some random Monday off. It’s not like we plan family visits or anything. And it usually isn’t really on Washington’s actual birthday, so why not move it back couple weeks and make it the first Monday in February? Like it matters. Jesus wasn’t born on December 25.

But wait…. that’s not all. I’m not proposing the day after Super Bowl be Presidents Day just for the partying factor and being able to stay up late for the game (hey, a new generation of kids/fans/consumers need to be raised, how can they watch the big game if they got school in the morning?). And it’s not to avoid calling in sick, AKA hungover.

This is actually an economic stimulus package that I implore President Obama, enthusiastic sports fan that he is, to embrace and pursue. Presidents Day is usually filled with ridiculous sales on cars and mattresses (two items that are ALWAYS on sale). They drum up these silly commercials with cartoons of Lincoln and Washington to tell us to shop for stuff. Why? Most of us just do laundry that day and wonder what might be open or closed, since it’s not really a holiday but it is. So no one shops. Wasted holiday.

So, once you move it the day after the Super Bowl, Presidents Day will be right after the day/night famous for not just football, but the fact that 10’s of millions of Americans of all demographics gather around their TV’s to WATCH THE COMMERCIALS. Personally I’m all about the game. But a LOT of people come right out and say they are “excited” for the “commercials.”

What an opportunity! Wouldn’t it be awesome if, the day after the Super Bowl, hordes of Americans were off work and school, and heading out to buy the cars and colas and countless other crappy items they saw advertised the night before!

This makes too much sense. And while it might not happen, I think it’s more likely than the NFL moving the game to Saturday. But, until then, just keep callin’ in sick.

With Brett Favre struggling and looking old and grizzly, we turned to another grizzled old bearded guy and had Bob Seger re-write one of his classic tunes to honor what might be the beginning of the end for ol’ number 4.

STILL THE SAME

You used to win, every time you placed a bet
Now you ain’t no good
Why won’t you retire, Brett
Every time you were sure the pass was caught
That back was quicker than you thought
You just hold your arm and walk

You always said
Your arm would never do you wrong
The trick you said
Was never play the game too long
A gamblin’ man
There’s no risk that you won’t take
The only loss you could forsake
Another injury you can fake

And you’re still the same
Thought you’d retired yesterday
Still starting game to game
No one dares get in your way
Turning on the charm
Running down to celebrate
Til the game is getting late
And you throw high

There you stood
Everybody watched the play
You just turned and walked away
There’s nothing left to say
‘Cause you’re still the same
You’re still the same
A star to ESPN
Some things never change
Why don’t you text Jenn

There is certainly something fishing going on with the NFL this season.  There is waaayyyy too much parity.  Top contending teams are 1-3 or 0-4, laughingstock franchises are in first place, and the Ravens are actually getting some coverage.

Preseason favorites to win their respective divisions are in the basement in their divisions.  The Viking and Cowboys who were Superbowl favorites now officially blow hard.  They suck so bad!  The only thing worse than watching these two miserable teams play other teams is watching them play each other.  Guess what special treat we are in for this Sunday too?!  They are going to play each other and quite frankly I don’t really give a crap, nor does the rest of America.  These teams are not contending at all.  Frankly I’d much rather watch a Detroit Lions game which have proven to be much more exciting than watching Tony Romo and Brett Favre suck it up all season.  YOU SUCK!!!

The San Francisco 49ers.  WTF?! What happened?!  Once the Arizona Cardinals lost Kurt Warner, it was your division.  Every sports analyst, including me, handed that division to you.  You are now sitting at the bottom of the toilet in the bottom of the toilet division (NFC West in case you didn’t know SUCKS!!!)  You have yet to win a game.  Who cares if you

“kept them close?”  I don’t.  I will care when you stop SUCKING!

Pick one team in the NFC that you can point to and say, “I could see them in the Superbowl.”  Do it, I dare you.  What’s that?  You can’t?  That is right, because the NFC SUCKS!!!!

Even worse than this is the weirdness happening in the AFC South.  What the hell is going on?!  Every team is 3-2?  How is that even allowed?  What happened to the Colts pounding all over every team?  How are the Jaguars somehow a legitimate contender out of no where?  This SUCKS.  I’m sick of everyone saying things like “This is the year Houston will take the division.”  After they beat the Colts, it was pretty convincing.  Then what did they do?  They lost to incredibly crappy teams.  HOUSTON TEXANS, GUESS WHAT?! YOU STILL SUCK!

How are the Bills putting up so many points on teams?  They put up 30 points on the New England Patriots.  THE PATRIOTS!  The one team you could point to and say, “Hey that team doesn’t suck.”  THEY DO!  THEY SUCK!  How do you give up 30 points to Ryan Fitzpatrick?  I’ll tell you how…YOU SUCK!  Name one player on the Buffalo Bills.  No.  Jim Kelly doesn’t play for them anymore.  MY GOD, YOU SUCK!

Listen to me right now.  The leading passer in the league is Kyle Orton.  Not Peyton Manning, not Tom Brady, not Drew Brees, not Aaron Rodgers, but Kyle Orton.  How does that happen?!  Kyle Orton is a scrub on a scrub team with scrub receivers!  How can teams allow this crap to happen?!  BECAUSE THEY SUCKKKKK!!!!!  Kyle Orton got run out of Chicago.  Chicago, one of the crappiest sports teams in the league the past few years.  Kyle Orton wasn’t good enough for the crappiest, and all of a sudden, he is a stud.  I’ll tell you what, he isn’t a stud.  He sucks.  So does every other Quarterback in the NFL who is allowing this scrub be the leading passer.

There is something definitely wrong with the NFL this season.

See, a few years ago I signed up for some stupid NFL Visa card, and one of my sign-up gifts was a white mini helmet with the NFL logo on one side and Plunkett’s autograph on the other. I left it in the original case, and it looks pretty cool on my shelf with just the NFL-logo side showing. But honestly, I’d love to sell it on eBay, even if I just got like 20 bucks for it.

I doubt I could sell it for much, but I’m sure it would be worth a little bit more if Mr. Plunkett were suddenly thrust back into the national consciousness by doing something like, I don’t know, dying? Actually, it would really sky-rocket in value if he were part of some major scandal of some sort. Maybe he could kidnap Michael Jackson’s ex-doctor or perhaps make a sex tape with one of the Kardashians? And THEN die. His autograph would probably be worth close to $50 at that point.

Maybe I should just sell it now for about $9, charge a little too much for shipping to pad my profit by a couple bucks and be done with it. Oh, I don’t know, I guess I should wait for him to die? This is tough.

Also: any chance that Tracy McGrady and/or Daunte Culpepper might make an incredible return-to-form and win a championship? Cuz I have rookie cards of each.

LOADING…

Let’s face it, Bud Light and Coors Light are both awful piss-water beers. Is it really worth whatever number of millions of dollars Bud Light spent to have the right to use the NFL’s logos and trademarks? Couldn’t they have put that money into to something more worthwhile, like…. I don’t know… MAKING BETTER BEER?

Or how about this: hey Bud Light, I don’t know what you’re spending (or not spending) on creative ad campaigns but here’s a good one I’ll give you for free:

TV ad opens with black screen. The following text appears in white:

Here at Bud Light, we had the opportunity to spend several hundred million dollars to be the Official Beer Sponsor of a major American football league. We didn’t do that, and we didn’t spend more than a few bucks on this simple commercial.

Instead, we did something else.

[Next screen.]

We lowered our prices.

Enjoy football season, and a couple extra cold ones on us.

Easy, effective ad that would cost zero to make. You’re welcome. If you’re gonna make crappy beer, please make it cheaper.

Oh, and memo to Coors: I don’t need a fancy label that turns blue to alert me that the beer is cold. You know how I know my beer is cold? Because it’s been in my fridge for hours since I bought it from a store that was storing it in their fridge. And if by chance I ever buy warm beer and then have to wait for it to be cold, I have another fancy gizmo that tells me when it’s cold: a hand. I grab a beer, and, get this: if it feels cold, then I know it’s cold. Once again, same principle applies: stop wasting money on color-changing labels and special smooth-pour bottles and start spending it making your beer either better or cheaper.

Allegedly this says something about his lack of championship drive and competitiveness, cuz “Magic and Jordan never would have done that.”

Oh.

Yea, I distinctly remember how Magic was drafted by a Lakers team that already featured Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Cooper, and Norm Nixon, and he immediately demanded a trade to Washington so he could lead Kevin Grevey, Mitch Kupchak, and Phil Chenier to an NBA title.

And who can forget Jordan letting the Bulls trade away Scottie Pippen and Steve Kerr, and never signing Dennis Rodman so that MJ could win it on his own.

In fact, Jordan was so driven that he walked away from the NBA amidst a potential gambling scandal and decided to pursue his dream of playing minor league baseball. While his return announcement (a press release that simply read “I’m back”) might have been lower key than Lebron’s look-at-me TV special, he still went through the marketing shenanigans of changing his number to 45, selling a bunch of jerseys, then changing back to 23 and selling more.

Look, I’m not defending Lebron’s actions. He went from beloved young phenom to complete douche in about 2 weeks. In his one-hour TV special, he didn’t find the time to even give lip service to the Boys & Girls Club that his special was allegedly benefitting, even as they sat like props all around him while Jim Gray sucked his ass.

But this endless parade of media lapdogs hanging on every word from Jordan and Magic about how they wouldn’t have joined forces with Bird or each other has gotten plain tiresome. And can we please stop the inaccuracy of “Can you imagine if Jordan, Magic, and Bird decided to play together?” First of all, they never really had that option. Second, Jordan, Magic, and Bird are three of the greatest players EVER. It’s hard to see any of them ranked outside of any credible Top 5. Dwayne Wade and Lebron James? Great players, and certainly in the Top 5 or 10 of the current generation. But does either make a Top 10 of all time? And what about the other guy, what’s his name? Oh yea, Chris Bosh. The guy who’s never made it out of the first round of the playoffs and led his team to the lottery more often than the post season. He’s not James Worthy and he’s not Kevin McHale. He’s like a cross between Antwan Jamison and Marcus Camby. Good player, but this aint Jordan-Magic-Bird.

And, oh by the way, when assembling a file on what to do or not do, let’s all be sure to take advice from Michael Jordan, the guy who cheated on his wife, drafted Kwame Brown #1 overall over Pau Gasol, got fired from the Wizards, and then went to Charlotte and drafted Adam Morrison at #4 over Brandon Roy (and Rajon Rondo) in 2006, drafted Brandan Wright over Joakim Noah in 2007, and then insulted everyone in attendance with his bitter and self-centered Hall-of-Fame acceptance speech. Please Michael, tell us what else you’d never do and we’ll be sure to advise Lebron accordingly.

In response to what some consider a hugely unfair and Draconian rule, the Baltimore airwaves have been set ablaze by infuriated, loyal, taxpaying Ravens fans causing a statewide stink.  I have heard it all this week:  “Are the Ravens trying to alienate their fans, like the O’s?”, “ I’ve gotten my favorite player’s autograph at training camp every year since the Ravens came to Baltimore”, “Those guys make millions, why can’t I make 75 bucks off their autograph?”, “ It’s not my fault a 9 year old only weighs 70lbs. and can’t handle a hip check during the mad rush to the players like it’s the Running of the Bulls…they’re not my kids!”, blah, blah, blah…

Fans have been complaining that they want an opportunity to interact with the players.  You want interaction?  How about this– ineligible fans can volunteer to take live reps, unpadded, with the players; maybe run a few crossing patterns in front of Ed Reed, or some pancake drills vs. Ogden.  LIVE enough for ya?  Afterward, you’ll be doing a lot of “interacting” with Hopkins.

Now, I am not totally anti-autograph, but let’s keep this in perspective, people.  For those of you who are unsure if you’re eligible, here’s a checklist for you:

You know you’re too old to get an autograph if…

• You decided to shave before you went to training camp because you consider it a “special occasion”.
• Your license plate reads #1 RVNFAN.
• You’re looking to sling Flacco’s autograph for beer money this weekend in Ocean City.
• You show up wearing Zubaz pants and a Starter jacket. 

• The little girl in front of you in line excitedly turns around after getting Ray Rice’s autograph, and runs, face first, into your junk.
• You live in your mother’s basement.
• You’re willing to barter your wedding ring in exchange for a few strokes of a Sharpie.
• You’ve been clinically diagnosed for being “Wacko for Flacco”.
• You can’t eat spicy food after 5PM.
• You know Wham! was the British duo of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley.

Bottom line:  It’s some dude scribbling, literally, his name on something you own (essentially, vandalism) and you claim its worth X amount.  I’m sorry, the “market” determines” that.  So, you still want an autograph?  I’ll sign ya something.

“What I love most about the World Cup is the games that end in 0-0 ties,” one fan stated, “I find it wildly entertaining when these superior athletes work their butts off for an hour and a half to two hours and have nothing to show for it.  That is what soccer is all about.”

I asked one fan who his favorite player in the sport is, “Gordan…I mean David Beckham.”  Of course, David Beckham is not playing in this year’s World Cup.  When I informed this man about Beckham’s absence from this year’s World Cup I was met with 5 minutes of stunned silence.  When I asked who the man’s favorite current World Cup player was, he uttered, “Pele?”

“It makes me feel cultured, football is the world’s most popular sport you know!” said one enthusiastic man sporting a Ronaldo Brazil jersey from 1998 (side note: to avid soccer fans, football = soccer).  When I asked this man which country he would be rooting for in the 2010 World Cup he replied, “Croatia.”  I found this odd, so I followed up and asked him, why Croatia?  He replied, “I don’t know, I just picked a country at random and Croatia has some pretty cool uniforms, so I thought ‘What the hell?’”

Soccer will take the world by storm in the next few weeks, but rest assured that after the World Cup is over things will return to normal.  For the next few weeks though…courage.

The anit-tampering rules ban team officials from commenting on potential free agents until July 1, when the free-agency period officially begins.  Apparently, Cuban does not keep track of his days nor own calendar, or he just flat out does not give a rat’s ass.  I find this particularly funny because it was on Saturday that I was wearing a shirt that said “I Don’t Give A Rat’s Ass” and probably mentioned LeBron that day, but good thing Stern wasn’t around to hit me up for the $20 I had in my wallet.  And I realize that is irrelevant information, and you probably don’t give a rat’s ass about my t-shirt, but anyway…I contend the latter, that Cuban, like me, does not give a rat’s ass, and he’ll talk about anybody he wants to talk about, regardless of what day of the year it is, and on tv, nonetheless…LeBron James.

David Stern stands firmly by the rule saying, “Come July 1, just about everything goes.  Before July 1, nothing goes.”…LeBron James.

Mark Cuban was not the only victim of NBA tyranny.   Phoenix Suns, president of basket ball operations, Steve Kerr, got slapped with a $10,000 fine for making a joke about paying Lebron pocket change in hopes of landing him.  He joked in a radio interview that LeBron would accept his offer of $5mill a year.  His screw up came on May 14, again, clearly not July 1.  Who’s in charge of the sun dial down there in Phoenix?…Le Bron James.

I find it hard to accept and to take seriously the NBA’s hard stance on this rule.  Another person, possibly more well-known than Mr. Cuban and Mr. Kerr combined, has also recently made a comment about Lebron and I don’t see any fine coming down the pike at this man.  Do you, Mr. President?…LeBron James.

Not only did President Obama mention Lebron’s name, he practically made a sales pitch to LeBron, and the world, that he should go to Chicago and play for the Bulls, because he would fit in “pretty well”.  Where’s his fine!?!  And forget $100,000!  Pitchin’ LeBron to Chicago, like he’s selling Sham-wows, from the highest office in the land, has to be worthy of a fine nearing the budget for Obama-Care.  Mr. Obama, you can make that $2 trillion check out to David Stern, thank you…LeBron James.

And if by chance, David Stern somehow stumbles across the SportsCrab while he’s Googling any day from now until July 1, you can be assured it will be the last time anybody ever visits SportsCrab!  It will be game-set-match for us, because I think I may have mentioned somebody I wasn’t supposed to and it’s only May 24…uh-oh!…LeBron James

Face it.  April showers are nothing but harbingers of misery to O’s fans.  Year in, year out, the best we can do is thank God we’re not rooting for the Cubs.  Or the Mets.  That and spend our season hoping Boston and New York have a miserable year.

It’s not any easier for the next generation of O’s fans.  They can tag along to the ballpark for yet another lesson in gracious losing as they watch the monitors for news of losses by other teams in the league.  This appalling behavior by my kids led to my trying to imbue their experience of the Great American Pastime with the old, “enemy of my enemy is my friend” gambit.  I have them celebrate wins by teams that beat the Yankees and Boston. I have to.  The sight of the three of them taking pleasure in losses for other teams – even Boston and New York – just flew in the face of everything I’ve tried to instill about truth, justice, and the American way.

But this year could be different.  This year we may not be able to cheer the O’s to the top BUT we may be able to cheer on one other team that will wipe New York and Boston aside on their charge to the top!  Bruce Bukiet, Associate Professor of Mathematical Sciences at New Jersey Institute of Technology, uses mathematical modeling of baseball Win/Loss records for his research.  A happy by-product of this is his predicted standings for the season.  This real-life Oswald Kittner posts them here, for statistical purposes only.  Take a look and you will feel some much-needed glee.

Bukiet predicts the Yankees will come in first (big surprise) with Tampa Bay behind and Boston third in line. Admittedly, this isn’t as good as seeing the O’s predicted to take it all BUT as of May 9, the official standings showed Tampa Bay ½ a game in front of New York.  It’s early in the season yet… Still, if Bukiet is off by a bit and Tampa Bay holds on… O’s fans could delight in a series without the Yankees!

So.  Support the Oriole’s; root for Tampa Bay.

Now if we could just get the O’s out of the cellar…