“Playing in New York for the Knicks is something Carmelo Anthony has always dreamed of,” said Anthony, referring to himself in third person.

While still in Denver dealing with trade rumors swirling to tornado levels before the NBA All-Star break, Anthony praised himself, though technically not in the third-person tense, by saying “I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff that’s going on and still be able to go out there and play at the high level that I can play at. I really don’t think an average person can walk in my shoes. I don’t think that.”

At press time, we couldn’t confirm if he had taken off a Nuggets hat, a Knicks hat, or just some other unrelated hat, or whether he made the gesture in a mirror. In fact, we’re still not sure how someone could take their hat off to themselves or if Anthony is the first person (pardon the pun) to ever take his hat off to himself. He does make a good point about the average person’s ability to walk in his shoes: the average man wears a size 10 shoe, while Anthony’s shoes are likely much, much bigger than that, as he stands at 6 feet 8 inches, certainly a lot taller than the average person.

Now that he’s in New York, Anthony finally gives the Knicks their first true superstar scorer who talks about himself in third person since Stephon Marbury. Former NBA sharpshooter Chuck Person was unavailable for comment.

Woman Claiming "That's My Boy" Does Have Striking Resemblance to Ray Allen

Flo Allen was in attendance at this weekend’s NBA All-Star festivities, just as she is often seen at Celtics games, claiming to be the mother of superstar sharpshooter Ray Allen.

“THAT’S MY BOY!” has been her only statement, although it’s sometimes worded “THAT’S MY BABY,” but to her credit she has screamed it 14,682 times over the younger Allen’s legendary career.  No one has ever claimed that she wasn’t the biological mother of the NBA’s All-Time 3-pt Shooter.

A lot of people criticized this team, and LeBron in particular, for not being hungry enough. But now they’ve got the munchies since they started buying into Spoelstra, who bears a striking resistance to Kumar from the movie Harold & Kumar. Or Harold. No, wait, he looks like Kumar.

Coach Spo hopes to avoid party fouls as he leads the Miami Heat to White Castle.

After one recent victory, Dwyane Wade explained “Coach Spo represents both Harold and Kumar, like this complex dichotomy, depending on how he needs approaching each player in different situations. We had our struggles early on, but that was just the paranoia creepin’ in. But we know Coach Spo has the good stuff. Now we’re having fun out there, giggling a lot. We know he can get us where we we’re tryin’ to get, and that’s White Castle.

While many reports had surfaced regarding the possibility that Team President Pat Riley would return to the bench and coach, he’s more likely to make a different sort of power move: bringing in Neil Patrick Harris in a cameo role as Steve Kerr. “I would welcome anyone that could help this team,” said James. “And Steve Kerr has knocked down a lot of huge 3’s in championship situations. Even if it was only Neal Patrick Harris dressed up as Steve Kerr, we’re all about improving this ballclub. Besides, NPH is a bro.”

Wade, James, and former Toronto Raptor who looks like an actual dinosaur raptor Chris Bosh still don’t have a cemented nickname, beyond the generic and already taken “Big 3.” Given Spoelstra’s appearance, a few NBA bloggers have suggested calling them “Harold & Kumar 3” since there have been two Harold & Kumar movies so far. But that’s stupid. Even LeBron’s people know that’s stupid.

The industry has been in free fall in the area over the past few years, beginning with the Celtics trade of Sebastian Telfair in July 2007.  It was thought the recession had hit its low point after the Red Sox trade of Manny Ramirez in mid-2008, and recovery had seemed strong when the Celtics added Rasheed Wallace the following summer.  However, Wallace’s sudden retirement following the NBA Finals sent dealers back to the unemployment lines.

Now, with Moss taking his posse to Minnesota, it is only getting worse for the Boston area.

“Moss was a great customer,” said Dorchester dealer Willie D.  “You could count on him, or someone from his group, stopping by a couple times a week.  Always Monday after a game, usually once later in the week and, if they were playing on a Monday night he’d usually need a third hit on Saturday.  Dude was consistent.”

Sales of pot are expected to drop an additional 7-9% from 2009, although some analysts remain optimistic that the Patriots could fill Moss’ spot with a bright prospect.  The Patriots also have some young players who could pick up the slack for Moss, such as tight end Aaron Hernandez, the former stoner from the University of Florida who currently ranks second on the Pats in receiving, behind Wes Welker, and third in Doritos consumed, behind Moss and Brandon Meriweather.  Delonte West’s recent wrist injury is also expected to boost sales, as the guard will have plenty of time to sit at home, rehab, and toke up.

“I think it would be good for everyone if I was just a part-time employee.  The season is just too demanding, with practices and games and everything.  What are there, 70 of them?  That’s too many.  Does anyone really care about all those games?”

Carter believes such an arrangement could have a positive effect on his team over the long run.

“I could show up for big games, maybe 15 or 20 a season, and then join the team for the playoffs.  But only the first few games of a series, they really don’t need me if we’re up 2-0 or 3-0.  And I guess if we’re down 3-0 there’s no reason for me to waste my energy then either. It’s not like I play all 82 games right now anyway, at least this way I don’t have to fake an injury to get out for a few weeks.”

In return, the Wizards have asked the NBA and media to not mention that whole Kwame Brown thing. Also in a letter from the team to league offices, new Wizards owner Ted Leonsis also requested that a few other things not be mentioned.

The letter has not been made public but multiple sources have confirmed that two of the items Washington doesn’t want mentioned are: their trade that sent away Chris Webber in his prime in return for aging and over the hill guard Mitch Richmond and center Otis Thorpe (combined ages at the time of the trade: 136); drafting Kenny Green in 1985 instead of a guy named Karl Malone.

Stern also asked all teams and media to never mention Tim Donaghy and Latrell Sprewell.

Several irresponsible and sourceless bloggers have speculated that other teams will soon start making similar requests for the league and media to no mention certain incidents, including:

• Milwaukee Bucks drafting Dirk Nowitzki in 1998 and trading him to Dallas for Robert “Tractor” Traylor (passing on Paul Pierce in the process).
• Detroit Pistons passing on Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, and Chris Bosh to draft Darko Milicic in 2003.
• Portland Trailblazers for the Oden-over-Durant fiasco.
• Karl Malone, now a Hall of Famer, has asked us to stop mentioning that draft-day suit.

Nice suit. Don't mention it.

The New Jersey Nets and the Los Angeles Clippers have reportedly already sent letters asking that no one mentions the time they passed on Scottie Pippen, Kevin Johnson and Reggie Miller for Dennis Hopson and Reggie Williams, respectively.

Stern’s office will reportedly go one step further by simply never mentioning the Nets or the Clippers again.

Charles Barkley has been fired as head quality assurance specialist for Pittsburgh’s rally rags.

The WNBA has announced two major rule changes for the 2011 season. In an effort to increase scoring, the WNBA will lower their baskets from ten feet to five feet. The league has also notified teams that they’ll be altering the jerseys in an attempt to give the game a more dynamic look.

“Dunking is such an exciting part of basketball,” NBA and WNBA commissioner David Stern told reporters. “We figured we’d drop the hoop down a few feet, make the rim a little more reachable for the ladies.”

When asked about the controversial new uniforms, Stern explained that, “the league is trying to attract more male viewers…that’s a completely untapped demographic for the WNBA.”

Stern will also take over all roster management, striving to make the league “younger and more attractive.”

Kaman, moments before sacrificing teammate Randy Foye

The Clippers have ritualistically sacrificed shooting guard Randy Foye to the the basketball gods in attempt to change their notoriously bad luck. The Clippers, who last season lost number one overall pick Blake Griffin to a torn ACL, simply can’t afford any more preseason knee injuries.

“Randy seemed like a good guy, you hate to see someone have to go,” explained Griffin. “I feel for his family, but I really just hope my MCLs can make it through the season. [Foye] may have been screaming a lot at the very end, but I think he was glad to help the team.”

The sacrifice took place early saturday morning at center court of the Staples Center. “We had scheduled it for midnight, but it took Chris [Kaman] a while to get all of his executioner gear on,” said new head coach Vinny Del Negro.

Chris Kaman, who averaged 19 points and 9 rebounds this past season, delivered the fatal blow using a medieval battle axe. Kaman earned praise from Del Negro, who lauded Kaman as “a guy who will do anything for the team.”

The move also frees up four million dollars of cap space.

Look at that surgically repaired knee provide a silky smooth shooting motion.

The Chicago Bulls set two prerequisites for free-agent, Tracy McGrady, to pass their evaluation and be offered a contract for the 2010-11 season.  McGrady had been asked to complete Anatomy 101: Head, Shoulders, Knees, And Toes, to help the Bulls staff identify and evaluate his laundry list of injuries, and Career Development 405: Know Your Role-7 Habits of Highly Effective Role Players (and Getting Comfortable on the Bench), in preparation to fill a role coming off the bench.

During the evaluation, the well traveled, 13-year vet, 7-time All-Star, 2-time scoring champ, over injured, 31 year old hanger-on, failed to impress the Bulls staff.  It became clear that McGrady had not passed the Anatomy 101 course when he was asked about the microfracture surgery on his knee and he grabbed his right elbow and replied, “It hasn’t really affected my shooting motion.”  McGrady added that if everything goes according to plan, he will break a hip this season.

McGrady was continually violating habit #3 of being a highly effective role player, “Be Seen, Not Heard”, by complaining about the literal bench Chicago was offering.  McGrady had earlier stated that he would have liked to join the Three Amigos (LeBron, D-Wade, Bosh) in Miami where they provide a top of the line, quality, pine bench.  He complained about the Bulls bench being only a collection of “broke ass folding chairs”, and worse off, “the kind that make your butt ache.”

The former star then pleaded his case one more time pointing to his 9 points/24 minutes in 30 games with the Knicks last season, apparently not realizing he was citing time that he spent playing for the Knicks.

After the Bulls staff regained themselves from McGrady’s Knick joke, one Bulls staffer said they may look to follow the Clippers lead.  The Clippers had workout McGrady earlier and passed, opting to resign “Casual” Rasual Butler.  The staffer was overheard saying, “Where can we get a Rasual Butler?”

Allegedly this says something about his lack of championship drive and competitiveness, cuz “Magic and Jordan never would have done that.”

Oh.

Yea, I distinctly remember how Magic was drafted by a Lakers team that already featured Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Cooper, and Norm Nixon, and he immediately demanded a trade to Washington so he could lead Kevin Grevey, Mitch Kupchak, and Phil Chenier to an NBA title.

And who can forget Jordan letting the Bulls trade away Scottie Pippen and Steve Kerr, and never signing Dennis Rodman so that MJ could win it on his own.

In fact, Jordan was so driven that he walked away from the NBA amidst a potential gambling scandal and decided to pursue his dream of playing minor league baseball. While his return announcement (a press release that simply read “I’m back”) might have been lower key than Lebron’s look-at-me TV special, he still went through the marketing shenanigans of changing his number to 45, selling a bunch of jerseys, then changing back to 23 and selling more.

Look, I’m not defending Lebron’s actions. He went from beloved young phenom to complete douche in about 2 weeks. In his one-hour TV special, he didn’t find the time to even give lip service to the Boys & Girls Club that his special was allegedly benefitting, even as they sat like props all around him while Jim Gray sucked his ass.

But this endless parade of media lapdogs hanging on every word from Jordan and Magic about how they wouldn’t have joined forces with Bird or each other has gotten plain tiresome. And can we please stop the inaccuracy of “Can you imagine if Jordan, Magic, and Bird decided to play together?” First of all, they never really had that option. Second, Jordan, Magic, and Bird are three of the greatest players EVER. It’s hard to see any of them ranked outside of any credible Top 5. Dwayne Wade and Lebron James? Great players, and certainly in the Top 5 or 10 of the current generation. But does either make a Top 10 of all time? And what about the other guy, what’s his name? Oh yea, Chris Bosh. The guy who’s never made it out of the first round of the playoffs and led his team to the lottery more often than the post season. He’s not James Worthy and he’s not Kevin McHale. He’s like a cross between Antwan Jamison and Marcus Camby. Good player, but this aint Jordan-Magic-Bird.

And, oh by the way, when assembling a file on what to do or not do, let’s all be sure to take advice from Michael Jordan, the guy who cheated on his wife, drafted Kwame Brown #1 overall over Pau Gasol, got fired from the Wizards, and then went to Charlotte and drafted Adam Morrison at #4 over Brandon Roy (and Rajon Rondo) in 2006, drafted Brandan Wright over Joakim Noah in 2007, and then insulted everyone in attendance with his bitter and self-centered Hall-of-Fame acceptance speech. Please Michael, tell us what else you’d never do and we’ll be sure to advise Lebron accordingly.

Imagine what it'll be like for D-Wade and Bron in the sand

9.  Despite sporting a Yankees hat, he’s a closet Marlins fan, circa 1997.

8.  He has too much respect for Cleveland’s storied tradition of losing and he did not want to stay and start winning championships and tarnish the city’s image.

7.  He still holds a grudge against Akron-based Firestone for the tire recall of 2000.

6.  The 43^rd time Drew Carey called and left a voice mail singing “Cleveland Rocks” was the final straw that broke the camel’s back.

5.  Ever since the Indians Jason Donald was called safe, ruined a perfect game, and stole LeBron’s thunder this summer, LeBron has taken a backseat in Cleveland.

4.  He was unable to convince Will Smith to record a song about Cleveland.

3.  He has always wanted to attempt tubing from Miami to Cuba.

2.  He has always wanted to play for a coach named Eric.

1.  It’s Cleveland…and that’s not good for anybody’s brand.

Lee could have the power to bring LeBron to the Knicks

After the recent signing of Amare Stoudemire, the New York Knicks are still looking on adding other players to their team in hopes of possibly landing LeBron James. Now the team’s focus is to resign free agent David Lee. Not everyone though is in the same mind frame, one being Stoudemire. When asked, “How he would feel if the Knicks resigned Lee?” Stoudemire answered, “Signing Lee to a deal would just go to show that New York is well on its way to being back on top. Getting Spike back where he has always belonged would add a little bit more to this team, and also would entice LeBron even more to coming to N.Y.C.”

Stoudemire was confused when reporters started laughing after his statement, and continued by saying, “What’s so funny? Spike Lee is a genius. With him back LeBron may think that a movie deal could easily take place and he could be in the next Spike Lee Joint. I know he doesn’t play, but his legs are fresh if we need him, and him being on that bench is motivation enough. He’s a legend.” Laughter continued towards Stoudemire, and finally he was asked, “You are joking, right Amare? We’re talking about David Lee.” Becoming flustered, Stoudemire tipped his Knicks cap, cleared his throat, and concluded by saying, “Yeah guys. You know me. I was, I was joking. That’s another thing I bring to New York, other then my play. Dan Lee would be a great addition.”