”Man, I couldn’t believe it,” said senior forward John Holland.  “I was all excited, ready to go dancing, then they give us Kansas.  Damn, they couldn’t even put us up against Notre Dame or Pittsburgh or anything, it’s gotta be Kansas.  We’re screwed.”

Injured center Jake O’Brien admitted that the Terriers’ seniors attempted to convince coach Pat Chambers to decline the bid, hoping for a more favorable invite to the less intense NIT or College Basketball Invitational.

“We did well in the CBI last year,” explained O’Brien.  “Why not do that again?  We could win a few games, have some fun and go out on a high note.  Why travel to Oklahoma and get killed?”

Despite his players protests, Chambers remains optimistic about his team’s chances.

“I think we could keep it close.  It is Kansas after all, don’t they always find a way to collapse in the tournament?  Or did that stop once Roy [Williams] left?”

After deciding that he wasn’t quite ready to pass away, legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden rose from his death bed and accepted an offer to return to the Bruins sideline for the 2010-11 season.

The 99-year-old Wooden, who was recently said to be in “grave condition” in a Los Angeles hospital, and even dead according to some reports, said in a statement that “it just wasn’t my time. Death is for quitters, and quitters never win. That’s one of the fundamental building blocks to my Pyramid of Success.”

Wooden went on to say that his second chance at life made him yearn for a return to the old days.

“I’m going to insist that all my players wear those tight nut-hugger shorts and grow Afros like they did in the 60′s and 70′s, even the white guys,” he said. “If nothing else, we’ll beat the other teams by making them laugh so hard they won’t be able to play.”

Wooden also indicated that he might even recruit some of his former players if he doesn’t like what he sees from the current crop of Bruins.

“Gracious sakes alive, I’d love to have Lewis [Alcindor, a.k.a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] back and shooting that beautiful hook shot of his. And I’d bring back [Bill] Walton, too; just to get his big mouth off the television airwaves. Man, he annoys me when he’s doing color commentary.”

The Wizard of Westwood doesn’t feel he’ll have any trouble adjusting to the current college game.

“I plan on getting myself all tatted up so I’ll be able to fit right in. The most prominent tattoo will be a picture of my dearly departed wife Nell on my neck. I’ll probably also get the initials UCLA shaped into a tribal ring around my biceps. I am so down wit dat!”

Wooden said he has no plans of attending his upcoming funeral or public memorial service.

Chris Joseph is a freelance writer residing in Pennsylvania. A die-hard Baltimore Orioles fan, he regularly writes about the so-called “team” for Slurve.com.

“Daniel is a great kid,” Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski told reporters. “He’s a really hard worker who rebounds the ball and plays defense.”

Despite the praise from Krzyzewski, many scouts have described Peterson as undersized and unathletic. “He’s a 6’8 Center who likes to camp in the corner and shoot threes,” explained one scout. “He’s honestly the whitest player I’ve ever seen. It’s like Christian Laettner and Kevin McHale had a child.”

Krzyzewski, however, thinks Peterson will mesh well with his team of absurdly white role players. “He excels at fading away, weak finishes, free throw shooting, and drawing charges,” his high school coach explained.

Professional scouts agree that, despite the illustrious college career that Peterson will undoubtedly have, he’ll never develop into a NBA caliber player.