“This eagerly awaited announcement is sure to rivet viewers,” reads ESPN’s press release.  “It’s not often that a catcher with the skill of Mr. Barajas gets the chance to pick among so many contending teams.  There very few qualified backup catchers on the market.”

Barajas’ announcement will also be watched carefully by the many other catchers on the market, as his decision is likely to impact marquee free agents Miquel Olvio and Yorvit Torrealba.

Most Red Sox fans were so thrilled and relieved to have New York out of the playoffs so they won’t have to think about them even though they are obsessed with them and couldn’t stop if they wanted to and will likely spend the entire World Series talking about how great it is that the Yankees aren’t in it.

Onlookers and witnesses reported both versions of Johnny Damon’s jersey being burned. As the celebration lasted through the night, it was unclear why the Red Sox fans hated the Yankees and yet had become them in red uniforms.

This may actually be the year of the crappy batter.  “To be completely dominated by pitchers for 9 innings is inexcusable,” said Rays Manager Joe Maddon, “When we get no hit, I personally spank every player on our team.”

Stats are showing that ERA is lower, Wins are more prevalent, and Opponent Batting Average is down.  Couldn’t this also be attributed to just terrible hitters?  Why are pitchers getting all the credit?  Helping them achieve this new level of stardom is the worst hitters in the league, and I think pitchers should be thankful to the MLB for allowing such awful players into the league.  It will certainly make their pay checks larger, but what about the crappy hitters?

“We just go down to the minors,” said Orioles left fielder Nolan Reimold, “Yea, I started the year REALLY poorly, no one thanked me.  I never got a platinum watch from David Price.  The fact of the matter is, if I were a better player, I’d be able to hit every ball that came my way, but I’m not.  I think I should get some of the credit that goes along with this ‘Year of the pitcher’

Nolan Reimold deserves some credit for being a terrible baseball player

b.s.”

Reimold is right.  He should get some of the credit, and so should other crappy baseball players.  So this article goes out to you, crappy baseball players of America.  Pitchers should be

more thankful of your lack of effort and dismal swinging.  I know I am.

Tommy John thru Dr. Strasburg's eyes--as easy as 1-2-3.

The one and only, Stephen James Strasburg, is scheduled to complete a first in Major League Baseball and modern medicine on Friday.  Strasburg is going to successfully perform Tommy John surgery on himself to repair his elbow.  (Typically, we would say Strasburg would be “attempting” the surgery, but it is a foregone conclusion that it will be successful.)

“We were waiting for the perfect injury to happen to Stephen to reveal that he was also valedictorian at San Diego State’s world-renowned medical school and an accomplished surgeon,” said Nationals GM, Mike Rizzo, touting Strasburg’s other talents that made him the #1 overall pick in the ’09 draft.  “Oh, and he prefers being called ‘Doctor.’”

Dr. Strasburg recently performed Tommy John on his cat’s hind legs, as a warm up surgery, and the results were favorable.  After the procedure, Strasburg clocked the cat at 127mph and it is now the fastest land animal on the planet.

Dr. Strasburg’s surgery will be performed in Los Angeles on Friday, September 3, at 11am, and about a dozen standing room only tickets remain.  Tickets are $500 co-pay with insurance and $3,700 without insurance.

The crowd begins to gather outside the hospital in LA waiting to witness history.

The Nationals have already set Dr. Strasburg’s recovery timetable by placing him on the 60-day disabled list.  “Because that’s all the time he’ll need,” said Rizzo, in anticipation of Strasburg becoming the fastest-recoverer from Tommy John surgery of all-time.

On Saturday, the Nationals and Dr. Strasburg will hold a press conference to officially announce that Tommy John surgery will be renamed Stephen James surgery.

“Yea it is sad playing the Orioles,” said newly acquired Angels pitcher Dan Haren, “Whenever we come to play them there are like 120 people in the crowd and 85 of them are Angels fans.  I remember when I last pitched against them, I was just throwing a 65 mile per hour fastball, and they still had a hard time hitting it, it was really sad.”

Oriole fans will take the victories they can get.  Teams pitying baseball’s basement dwellers will feel the wrath of the mighty Oriole bats!  Players seen crying in the dugout have instilled the sympathy the Orioles have been looking for from other teams who constantly beat down on them.  While they did win in the month of August, the 17-11 record they posted still isn’t anything to get excited about.

“I don’t know why these people are getting so excited about us winning in the month of August.  There are so many other months in the baseball season!  162 games!  We have won a total of 45 out of the 120-something games that we’ve already played.  160 games divided by 30 is like 5 months of baseball, and we won during 1 month.  We didn’t even like dominate, we went 17-11.  That is nothing.” said Orioles reliever Koji Uehara (spoken through a translator)

While this shows that the Orioles are making progress in changing their losing ways…wait…we are still in the AL East?  And every team in our division has a winning record except us?  Really?  Well what about in August?  They all posted winning records in August?  So what are we excited about?

Strasburg has aged considerably during his short stint in the Majors.

The Washington Nationals’ ticket sales have plummeted since the team announced that phenom pitcher Stephen Strasburg will undergo Tommy John surgery. Experts expect that the teams profits will steadily plummet over the next 12-18 months. In response to these dismal expectations, the team will auction off an opportunity for a fan to donate one of their tendons to Strasburg’s elbow.

“Who wouldn’t want the chance to be involved in an invasive surgical procedure with Stephen? These bidders could become part of one of the greatest elbows ever,” said National’s GM Mike Rizzo.

The bidding is expected to start at three million dollars, but many expect the winning bid will be over ten million dollars. It will be the first time a donor has ever had to pay to be part of a procedure. In addition to having a tendon from their hamstring used to surgically repair Strasburg’s elbow, the winning bidder will also get to keep the torn ligament from the phenom’s elbow.

When asked if Strasburg was comfortable with the auction, he told reporters, “When your as famous as I am, you get used to grown men really wanting to be inside of you.”

“We get paid the least to do the most work.  Look at the stats, 99% of players in the MLB are Latino.  Who is helping them?  No one!  We are being paid less than minimum wage!  How can we send our families in the home country some money?  Even though some of us have smuggled our family members into America by piling all of them in one car, it still isn’t enough money!  I can’t tell you how many times my players have been trying to receive their Cuban cigars and the MLB won’t let them have them!  It is just ridiculous.  Whenever I take my players out for Taco night, the MLB won’t comp the bill, and if white players happen to be in the same restaurant they tell us Latinos to get back in the kitchen and bus their tables and other nonsense.  I will not stand for this anymore, Latinos have been oppressed for too long now!”

Guillen is taking heat mostly for the, “get back in the kitchen” comment he made.  Feminist groups are outraged that a man in Guillen’s position would say such a thing, even though the stereotype wasn’t directed at them.  No one really cared much about the points he made about Latino players though, as long as they keep hitting dingers, all is well in baseball.

“We feel Johnny would be a great fit for our next set of Caveman ads,” said an anonymous Geico spokesman.  “He may not have the look anymore but we know he has the potential, and his arm won’t be a hinderance.  He’d be a good fit.”

Geico was originally thought to be blocking Damon from going to rivals AFLAC or Progressive, where he would form a devastating combination with the annoyingly chipper Flo, but there appears to be plenty of interest in adding him to their lineup of cavemen.

It remains to be seen if Damon would waive his no-trade clause for Geico.  The Tigers are not likely to ask for much in exchange, hoping more to dump salary than to pick up a top prospect.  The Tigers originally asked for top Geico prospect Gerry Gecko, younger brother of star reptile Gordon, but are more likely to settle for the rights to Peyton Manning.  Manning remains unsigned by Geico for the moment, but Tigers executives anticipate it being only a matter of time before the omnipresent quarterback signs a deal to appear in their advertisements.  Acquiring Manning’s rights would give the Tigers a potential pitchman in 2011, as well as opening the possibility to commercials containing the entire Manning family.

When asked about his new cleat, Rodriguez panicked and turned to a mirror image of himself for comfort

Nike has created a new cleat for Alex Rodriguez in celebration of his 600^th home run. The cleats, called the Vapor 600, were designed with Nike’s most advanced footwear technology. Despite the cleats high performance, many reviewers have complained that they’re overpriced, unlikable, and unreliable.

Many reviewers have also complained that the Vapor 600s seem to always come untied in important situations. “The laces always come undone in late game situations, and the pair I was testing broke during the playoffs,” reported one of Sports Crab’s shoe reviewers. “Despite how well the cleat performs, I just can’t bring myself to like it.”

Nike has received several complaints that the Vapor 600s, which will retail at $250, are too expensive. Nike, however, maintains that many players with high payrolls will still be able to afford the cleats.

The Vapor 600s come in the wake of Nike’s announcement that they are delaying the launch of their Los Angeles Clippers basketball shoe due to the testers suffering repeated knee injuries.

Alvarez unaware and unconcerned about his HR's mind blowing consequences.

In an under reported story, Pittsburgh Pirates radio color commentator, Steve Blass, had his mind blown Saturday night when the Pirates’ rookie phenom, Pedro Alvarez, hit a walk off homerun to defeat the Colorado Rockies, 8-7.

As the ball left Alvarez’s bat on an 0-1 pitch, Blass’ mind blew out of his head and he began screaming, “Oh my God, Oh my God”.

“I couldn’t believe it!  His mind blew out of his head –then there was some yelling and screaming, he whistled–I’m still not sure how he did that?—some laughing, then he started asking the Lord to save us, and something about a Mrs. McDavis, I don’t know?   It was crazy.” said Blass’ broadcast partner, Greg Brown, as he described the unprecedented turn of events.

The excitement in the booth at PNC Park that night was understandable as the Pirates racked up their 39 win of the season and pulled within 24 games of the division-leading Reds.

Blass even managed to give his opinion that the game was one of the most dramatic in the 10 year history of PNC Park.   However, Brown didn’t completely agree.  “I’ll give him dramatic, but what I saw was definitely the most traumatic thing in PNC history.”

Listen to the mind blowing account, click here.

In a very disappointing display of disrespect for the perfect game,  the first batter Mike Minor faced, Michael Bourn, singled to left.  In such a disappointing display of batting, Bourn defiantly spoiled what could have potentially made Mike Minor’s career.

“I had a good game going, no hits, no runs, no nothing.  Then this douche bag comes up to the plate and takes my perfect game and spits on it!” Minor said,  “I just wish I could have that pitch back, because I know once I got past Bourn, I was going to throw another 8 2/3 innings of perfect ball.”

Bobby Cox was particularly disappointed in Bourn, the Center fielder for the Houston Astros.  Once Bourn took that swing, Cox erupted in the dugout.  Then Cox got in Bourn’s face, and tore him a new one.  It almost seemed as if Cox grew in size and became stiffer than he had ever been once he saw the play unfold.  Heh, Cox.

Michael Bourn had this to offer in his post game interview when he was told that he had ruined Mike Minor’s perfect game, “Sorry?”

Despite having no resemblance to the team's mascot, Buck Showalter hopes to rebuild the struggling Orioles.

Buck Showalter, the new manager of the Baltimore Orioles, reportedly found his new position through Craigslist. After several months of relying on interim manger Juan Samuel, the Orioles posted a wanted add in the classifieds section of the website Craigslist. The add reportedly read, “Seeking major league baseball manager. Important factors: enthusiasm, leadership, charisma. Baseball knowledge would be helpful, but is not necessary. All applicants welcome.”

The President of Baseball Operations for the Orioles, Andy Macphail, was pleased with the Craigslist posting service. “We posted the add two weeks ago, and we got about ten applicants,” Macphail told reporters. “It was a tough choice, but in the end, Buck just had more experience.”

Showalter responded to the post via email on the morning of July 29th. The Orioles announced the hiring later that afternoon.

Showalter found the posting while searching Craigslist for a ticket to see Stephen Strasburg pitch for the Washington Nationals.

He'll fall over in that chair when he sees his Luxury tax bill.

In the wake of George Steinbrenner’s death, well, actually after the wake (in or during the wake would be inappropriate), the Steinbrenner kin have decided to sell the Yankee franchise for an absurd amount of money.

The buyer:  Monopoly tycoon, Rich Uncle Pennybags.  The details of the sale are slowly emerging.  So far it is being reported that Pennybags paid at least two full banks worth of money for the team.  Payment was made in cash, in denominations ranging from $1-$500 bills, IOUs, some pennies, and some are saying that Pennybags even got to keep the bowl of pretzels from the negotiating table.  It is believed that the transaction took over three days to complete.  One source indicated that the Yankee brass got exhausted and bored, and said, “The hell with it, just take everything!”   The deal will be finalized shortly, as long as there is not a bank error in the Yankees favor.

As the new dictator over the Evil Empire, Rich Uncle Pennybags has some changes he will be implementing, immediately, in preparation for the playoff push.

His first order of business is very fan-friendly–all stadium lots, FREE PARKING.  Secondly, Pennybags will be placing Community Chests at each gate for fans to make donations because apparently, he needs more money.  Also, the new Boss has reportedly paid the NYC Transit Authority to rename the subway lines that come into Yankee Stadium, the Reading Line, Pennsylvania Line, B&O Line, and Short Line.

Mr. Pennybags will also be making some roster moves and bringing in some of his own pieces.  There a four notable moves that have been confirmed.

• Dog will be taking over in left field.  “I’m here to replace Manny,” said Dog.  When told that Manny doesn’t play for the Yankees, Dog just lifted his leg and peed.

What a jerk!

• The new right fielder has a cannon for an arm, minus the arm.  The Cannon will put an end to anyone trying to stretch a single into double unless they want to be taken out by a cannonball as they round first.

• The best utility infielder money can buy will play a large role coming off the bench.  Wheel Barrow is exceptional in the field, he pivots flawlessly.  As an added bonus, he is meticulous, almost anal, about keeping the infield dirt in order throughout the game, replacing divots every time a ball hits dirt.

• Mariano Rivera’s done, too.  Pennybags is bringing in Iron to resume closing duties.  Iron brings so much heat his ball stems on the way to plate.  Plus, he’s been getting out of wrinkly situations since 1882, he’s proven.

And finally, as incentive for all players on the roster, Pennybags will award a player an additional $200 every time they cross home plate.

With the board set, Pennybags should have no problem sitting up in his box, with his stupid top hat, skipping and dancing, making a mockery of the rest of the league.

In recognition of the popularity of All You Can Eat sections in their ballparks, the MLB has some changes in mind.  Because AYCE seats are a cost effective method for filling perennially empty seats, they are going to remodel to cater to those spectators.

“If you figure how much time and effort it costs to actually improve the team…  Well, it’s a bargain to get a guy in for $40 and feed him til he pukes.”

To accommodate the AYCE crowd – the fastest growing segment of fans who travel to the ballpark to watch the game live – MLB is going to install tray tables with soft drink dispensers at each seat.  The tray tables will be metal and have pre-shaped sections for each type of food.  The soft drinks will be delivered via a tube that the fan can just suck on as if it were a hose.  With these two amenities in place, fans won’t have to balance their haul on their knees any more.  They can also have more food at their seats at any given time – and they won’t have to waste their time hauling soft drinks.  There are also plans to deliver beer in this way but a shut off system is being investigated.

“Overfeeding fans is one thing because we have no liability.  Serving drinks once they reach the legal limit is a whole other thing,” said the director of food service at a major market park.  ”We’re trying to make money here.  Not think of ways to give it away!”

To be sure obese fans find all seats accessible, MLB announced it will levy fines on teams that don’t remove the steps to each section and replace them with ramps.  The ramps will make it easier for fans to reach their seats while cutting down on the number of anticipated heart attacks.

“Let’s face it.  We only have a limited number of defibrillators,” the major market spokesman explained.  “And watching some guy being juiced is just not anything most parents are going to want their kids to see while they’re at the game.”

Given the national concern about obesity and health-related consequences, it seems this is a flawed strategy for a multitude of reasons – especially from the fan perspective.  Experience shows it’s most certainly not; seats are selling like hotcakes.

“We’re not making these guys sit in those seats,” said one official.  “And we’re certainly not making them eat.  If fans prefer to sit closer to the food and want to wolf down huge quantities of chili dogs and hot wings while enjoying the vicarious thrill of a professional sport, who are we to judge?”

A league official for the NFL said they are considering a similar plan.  “If the fans are so out of shape that just walking to their seats makes them break out in a sweat, we’ll never have to worry about them having something better to do on game day.  They’ll be there without fail.  It’s a magnificent strategy.  I’m just sorry we didn’t think of it first.”

“We actually got the idea from their tailgate parties,” replied the MLB spokesman.

In the future, the leagues have even more goodies in store.  Like port-a-johns in each section – so fans don’t have as far to walk.  Segways – for fans with knee problems to use to make the trip from their cars to their seats.  Doggie bags – for fans to take home some goodies for their loved ones – because the calories in foods from a ballpark don’t count.

“We want a total experience for our ballpark customers,” said the MLB spokesman.  “We want them to look forward to coming on game day.  If gluttony is the way to bring them in, then that’s what we’ll do.  We just want to keep our fan base satisfied.”

Mr. Met, overcome by emotion at Thursday night's press conference

Mr. Met, the beloved New York mascot, has been diagnosed with stage four brain cancer. The malignant brain tumor at the base of his frontal lobe, which is the about the size of a beach ball, has gone unnoticed since 1963, when he was introduced as the Mets’ mascot.

Though Mets’ fans and employees have reacted with disbelief, Doctor James Andrews, who diagnosed Mr. Met, claims the cancer was blatantly obvious and should not have gone untreated for this long. “Come on, the massive swelling in his head, the crude red stitches keeping his face face together, his complete inability to speak, how did nobody catch this earlier?”

In show of respect for their mascot, the Mets made a concerted effort not to get any hits in Friday night’s 1-0 loss to the Giants. “We were trying not to hit the ball because it reminds us too much of Mr. Met’s head. It had nothing to do with the fact that [Barry Zito's] stuff was nasty,” explained Mets’ captain David Wright.

This comes in the wake of another tragedy, when Mr. Met’s NL East rival, the Philly Phanatic, was diagnosed with terminal radiation poisoning.