Boise State coach Chris Petersen remains connected to the BCS's virtual reality, enjoying a world where his team actually has a chance to play for the national championship.

Experts believe that the BCS became self-aware sometime this past week, murdering the only six people with a strong understanding of its programing. Experts also believe that the computers don’t give Oregon enough credit, and that Boise State is the real victim of the maniacal system.

The BCS tried to enslave mankind by harvesting electrical impulses from the brains of humans, keeping the enslaved ignorant of their situation by plugging them into a virtual reality. In order to keep the vegetative humans from rebelling, the virtual reality featured a college football playoff system.

Military personnel were able to hack into the computer’s hard drive, but the system could not be shut down due to a contractual agreement between the NCAA and the BCS that extends until 2014.

Not surprisingly, this fan base has responded very poorly to a black mascot

The University of Mississippi’s new mascot, Rebel Black Bear, has been met with extreme disapproval by many of the school’s alumni. As of today, the deaths of 34 alumni have been tied to the new mascot.

William Lively, a member of the class of 1951, died of a heart attack moments after hearing of the new mascot. “His heart just couldn’t take Colonel Reb being replaced by a black mascot,” said Lively’s doctor. ” He hadn’t been in stable condition since the school banned Confederate flags, and seeing something black represent his school, it just pushed him over the edge.”

In another tragic incident, the five remaining members of the Delta Tau Delta pledge class of 1946 responded to the new mascot with a mass suicide. “It’s an extremely sad situation,” said a representative of the Oxford, MS, police force. “I just don’t think I can love something black the way I loved Colonel Reb…and this mass suicide is pretty sad too.”

This is the worst tragedy for the University of Mississippi Alumni since the election of Barack Obama, which lead to over 2000 grief related deaths.

Randy Moss has already blamed defensive end Jared Allen for telling him this is an acceptable way to wear his hair.

Vikings’ General Manager Rick Spielman explained that there wasn’t enough controversy in the teams locker room, and that Moss’s prolific ability as a wide receiver had nothing to do with the acquisition.

Though Brett Favre’s ability to unreasonably blame his teammates for everything is legendary, the Viking’s front office wanted to ensure that the team would remain a focal point in the media regardless of how terrible their record is. “With Favre and Moss publicly calling out the rest of the team after every loss, we should have a real cluster[expletive] of blame going around here,” said Vikings’ defensive end Jared Allen.

Moss, despite not having played a game since being traded, has already blamed Vikings’ offensive coordinator Darrel Bevell for his inability to get separation from All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis in the upcoming monday night game. In a related story, the Pittsburgh Steelers expect the return of Ben Roethlisberger to solidify their ability to get sexual assault charges.

“I’m really proud of Baltimore,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Goodell continued to praise the Ravens, calling their gesture an “unmatched act of altruism” and “a creative way to get out of a bad three year contract.”

“We really liked [Cody], he just wasn’t a good fit here,” explained Raven’s head coach John Harbuagh. “It was a little difficult to watch the villagers prepare to feast on him, but  it warms your heart to know that those children will have food for the next few months.” Harbuagh’s act of unrivaled charity is expected to earn him the National Football Foundation Distinguished American Award.

Cody, partaking in a tribal tradition, is prepared for the feast by being thrown into a river.

In a similar act of charity, the Philadelphia Eagles donated the retro uniforms they wore in week one to an impoverished Haitian school. The jerseys are expected to provide almost a year worth of lunches for the starving children.

“We’ve put a lot of thought into it, and we feel that the only humane course of action is to put down the entire conference,” said Fugate. “It was really hard in week two to see all those ranked ACC teams suffering on national television.”

Florida State, who was embarrassed by Oklahoma on national television, reminded the media that if they're euthanized, we'll never see this girl again.

Kirk Herbstret, an ESPN football analyst, appeared in front of the Senate to present information on ACC football’s ongoing suffering. Herbstriet urged the Senate to act quickly in euthanizing the conference, explaining that “This is worse than [hurricane] Katrina or Darfur.”

ACC commissioner John Swofford is pleading with officials to give the ACC two more weeks, citing NC State’s 3-0 start as a beacon of hope. FEMA plans to finance the quick, merciful killing by auctioning off the conference’s automatic BCS bid.

The WNBA has announced two major rule changes for the 2011 season. In an effort to increase scoring, the WNBA will lower their baskets from ten feet to five feet. The league has also notified teams that they’ll be altering the jerseys in an attempt to give the game a more dynamic look.

“Dunking is such an exciting part of basketball,” NBA and WNBA commissioner David Stern told reporters. “We figured we’d drop the hoop down a few feet, make the rim a little more reachable for the ladies.”

When asked about the controversial new uniforms, Stern explained that, “the league is trying to attract more male viewers…that’s a completely untapped demographic for the WNBA.”

Stern will also take over all roster management, striving to make the league “younger and more attractive.”

Strasburg has aged considerably during his short stint in the Majors.

The Washington Nationals’ ticket sales have plummeted since the team announced that phenom pitcher Stephen Strasburg will undergo Tommy John surgery. Experts expect that the teams profits will steadily plummet over the next 12-18 months. In response to these dismal expectations, the team will auction off an opportunity for a fan to donate one of their tendons to Strasburg’s elbow.

“Who wouldn’t want the chance to be involved in an invasive surgical procedure with Stephen? These bidders could become part of one of the greatest elbows ever,” said National’s GM Mike Rizzo.

The bidding is expected to start at three million dollars, but many expect the winning bid will be over ten million dollars. It will be the first time a donor has ever had to pay to be part of a procedure. In addition to having a tendon from their hamstring used to surgically repair Strasburg’s elbow, the winning bidder will also get to keep the torn ligament from the phenom’s elbow.

When asked if Strasburg was comfortable with the auction, he told reporters, “When your as famous as I am, you get used to grown men really wanting to be inside of you.”

Kevin Kolb, not worrying about how disappointed Eagles' fans will be when he has a mediocre season.

The Philadelphia Eagles maintain that they’re extremely happy with new starter Kevin Kolb’s progress. The Eagles, who traded Donovan Mcnabb to their division rival Washington, in no way at all regret getting rid of the most prolific player in Eagle history .

Kevin Kolb, who has more career interceptions than touchdowns, doesn’t feel any pressure to step into the starting roll and put up the same numbers that six-time Probowl quarterback Mcnabb did. “I’m not at all worried about how the fans are going to react if I get off to a slow start this season,” said Kolb. “Just because they chased the guy who led them to five NFC championship games out of town doesn’t mean they’re definitely going to react poorly to the way I perform.”

Eagle’s head coach Andy Reid maintains that the team has full confidence in Kolb’s ability. “I really think [Kolb] is going to have a big season. We may not be a Superbowl team just yet, but our fans don’t seem to mind just making it to the NFC championship game.”

Despite the teams confidence in Kolb, many fans have started lobbying for the Eagles to trade Kolb so backup Michael Vick can start.

When asked about his new cleat, Rodriguez panicked and turned to a mirror image of himself for comfort

Nike has created a new cleat for Alex Rodriguez in celebration of his 600^th home run. The cleats, called the Vapor 600, were designed with Nike’s most advanced footwear technology. Despite the cleats high performance, many reviewers have complained that they’re overpriced, unlikable, and unreliable.

Many reviewers have also complained that the Vapor 600s seem to always come untied in important situations. “The laces always come undone in late game situations, and the pair I was testing broke during the playoffs,” reported one of Sports Crab’s shoe reviewers. “Despite how well the cleat performs, I just can’t bring myself to like it.”

Nike has received several complaints that the Vapor 600s, which will retail at $250, are too expensive. Nike, however, maintains that many players with high payrolls will still be able to afford the cleats.

The Vapor 600s come in the wake of Nike’s announcement that they are delaying the launch of their Los Angeles Clippers basketball shoe due to the testers suffering repeated knee injuries.

Bolt maintains that there's nothing gay about the lack of support in his shorts

Usain Bolt is taking criticism for making offensive comments about his loss to Tyson Gay in the 100-meter dash at the DN Galan meet. Bolt, who was beaten by over a tenth of a second, described the loss as “really [expletive] gay.”

Gay and Lesbian support groups around the world have been criticizing Bolt for his politically incorrect statements. The GAA (Gay Activists Alliance) released a statement condemning Bolt’s derogatory use of the term of gay. When provoked by reporters, an executive from the GAA admitted that, “yea, what Usain said was pretty gay.”

Usain Bolt held a press conference to address his controversial statements. “I wholeheartedly apologize to the gay and lesbian community. I didn’t mean to use the gay with the meaning ‘homosexual’, you know, I meant it with the meaning, like, ‘really not cool.’”

Tyson Gay came to Bolt’s defense, reminding reporters that “it’s easy to slip in the heat of the moment. I think we’ve all said things we regret, so I wish the media wouldn’t be so gay about all this.”

Despite having no resemblance to the team's mascot, Buck Showalter hopes to rebuild the struggling Orioles.

Buck Showalter, the new manager of the Baltimore Orioles, reportedly found his new position through Craigslist. After several months of relying on interim manger Juan Samuel, the Orioles posted a wanted add in the classifieds section of the website Craigslist. The add reportedly read, “Seeking major league baseball manager. Important factors: enthusiasm, leadership, charisma. Baseball knowledge would be helpful, but is not necessary. All applicants welcome.”

The President of Baseball Operations for the Orioles, Andy Macphail, was pleased with the Craigslist posting service. “We posted the add two weeks ago, and we got about ten applicants,” Macphail told reporters. “It was a tough choice, but in the end, Buck just had more experience.”

Showalter responded to the post via email on the morning of July 29th. The Orioles announced the hiring later that afternoon.

Showalter found the posting while searching Craigslist for a ticket to see Stephen Strasburg pitch for the Washington Nationals.

Kaman, moments before sacrificing teammate Randy Foye

The Clippers have ritualistically sacrificed shooting guard Randy Foye to the the basketball gods in attempt to change their notoriously bad luck. The Clippers, who last season lost number one overall pick Blake Griffin to a torn ACL, simply can’t afford any more preseason knee injuries.

“Randy seemed like a good guy, you hate to see someone have to go,” explained Griffin. “I feel for his family, but I really just hope my MCLs can make it through the season. [Foye] may have been screaming a lot at the very end, but I think he was glad to help the team.”

The sacrifice took place early saturday morning at center court of the Staples Center. “We had scheduled it for midnight, but it took Chris [Kaman] a while to get all of his executioner gear on,” said new head coach Vinny Del Negro.

Chris Kaman, who averaged 19 points and 9 rebounds this past season, delivered the fatal blow using a medieval battle axe. Kaman earned praise from Del Negro, who lauded Kaman as “a guy who will do anything for the team.”

The move also frees up four million dollars of cap space.

Jennie Finch, pitching on team USA's "Fans select the uniform" night

Jennie Finch, one of the most prolific softball players ever, announced her retirement on July, 20. The loss of Finch, who was voted the most attractive female athlete on ESPN’s website, somehow makes fast pitch softball even less interesting than it already was.

Experts predict that the loss of Finch will reduce fast pitch softball viewership by almost 100%. Finch, however, maintains that the sport is “not too bad to watch,” and that “there are still some pretty okay looking girls on the team.”

Finch posted a 36-2 record with the U.S. National Team, and maintained a stingy 0.42 ERA. More importantly to her large following of loyal fans, Finch posed in the 2006 Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Though her retirement will deal a great blow to the NPF (the National Pro Fastpitch Softball League), league officials remain optimistic.

“This league has operated without generating any profit for six years,” explained a league representative. “We’re pretty much operating a pro bono organization here, so her retirement can’t really make things any worse.”

Though her retirement deals a great blow to the sport, fast pitch fans have taken solace in the fact that all her pictures remain on the internet.

The Taylormade Terminator 5000, capable of effortlessly hitting 600 yard drives

Taylormade, the company famous for pushing the limit on driver technology, has unveiled their newest product. The Terminator 5000, made especially for higher handicapped golfers, is said to increase driving distance by up to 300 yards.

“It’s going to revolutionize the game,” Dan Brooks, a club golfer with a 36 handicap who recently purchased the Terminator 5000, told reporters. “I never thought I’d hit a 500 yard drive.”

The Terminator 5000, which uses a hydraulic-mechanical arm technology, is powered by an ultra-light gas generator. The Long Drive and its gas generator attach neatly to the included roof rack, which is compatible with most golf carts.

Despite the hype, the Terminator 5000 is not without critics. “Come on, this thing can’t be legal,” said Steve Dubner, Dan Brooks long time golf buddy. “The generators obscenely loud, it takes forever to set up, and then it literally hits the ball for you. Plus, I can’t stand losing to Dan.”

The legality of the Terminator 5000 has frequently been brought into question. Though the extremely powerful arm, constructed out of a titanium alloy, seems like it should be illegal, Taylormade maintains that the club meets all of the USGA’s regulations.

The Terminator 5000 is available for $3,500, and includes the gas generator and roof rack.