Author Archive for ZackFritz
Zack, a junior at Auburn University, originally hails from Bowie, Maryland. He thought about leaving school early to test the waters of the NBA draft, but decided to stay in school and work on his creative writing degree. Zack secretly fears that he'll never achieve his dream of being a professional athlete, and he writes for the SportsCrab as a way of coping.
BCS Computer Kills Creator, Attempts to Enslave Humanity
After discovering that the BCS computer murdered the six creators of its polls, authorities now suspect that the controversial ranking system is trying to enslave humanity.
New Black Mascot Causes Several Deaths among Ole Miss Alumni
The University of Mississippi’s new mascot, Rebel Black Bear, has been met with extreme disapproval by many of the school’s alumni. As of today, the deaths of 34 alumni have been tied to the new mascot.
Moss solidifies Vikings Ability to Blame Teammates
Randy Moss, who Minnesota recently acquired in a trade with the Patriots, is expected to solidify the Viking’s ability to blame each other.
Ravens Donate Terrence Cody to Starving African Village
The massive nose tackle is expected to feed the remote African village for months.
Government Considering Euthanizing ACC Football
FEMA to euthanize ACC football after horrendous start.
WNBA to Lower Baskets, Improve Uniforms
To increase excitement, the WNBA will lower their baskets and reduce their uniforms.
Cardinals Try to Trade Leinart for Tenth Round Pick, Also Try to Extend NFL Draft
The Arizona Cardinals are trying to trade fifth year quarterback Matt Leinart. The Cardinals hope to get a conditional tenth round draft pick for Leinart, but first need to get the NFL to add three additional rounds to the draft. The Bills, Raiders, and Giants have all shown interest in the quarterback, but no team [...]
Nationals Auction Opportunity to Donate Tendon for Strasburg’s Tommy John Surgery
Grown men are willing to pay millions to be inside of Strasburg.
Eagles Really Happy with Kolb, Not at all Regretting Mcnabb Trade
The Philadelphia Eagles definitely don’t wish that they still had their franchise’s most prolific quarterback.
Nike’s New A-Rod Cleat Overpriced and Unlikable
Reviewers have been complaining that, despite the high performance of A-Rod’s new cleat, the shoe is too expensive and falls apart when it really matters.
Bolt: Losing to Gay was really Gay
Usain Bolt takes criticism for calling loss to Tyson Gay gay
Showalter found Oriole’s position on Craiglist
New Oriole’s Manager Buck Showalter found the position through Craigslist.
Clippers Ritualistically Sacrifice Randy Foye, Look to Avoid Knee Injuries
The Clippers sacrifice guard Randy Foye to the Basketball Gods in an attempt to avoid the injuries that have notoriously plagued them.
Jennie Finch Retires, Softball Becomes Even Less Interesting
Jennie Finch, one of the most prolific softball players ever, has officially retired. This somehow makes the sport of softball even less interesting than it was.
Taylormade Releases New Game-Improvement Driver
Taylormade’s controversial new technology allows for effortless 600 yard drives
White People Look to Trade Assists
White people put Assists on the trading block in an effort to bolster athleticism