”Man, I couldn’t believe it,” said senior forward John Holland.  “I was all excited, ready to go dancing, then they give us Kansas.  Damn, they couldn’t even put us up against Notre Dame or Pittsburgh or anything, it’s gotta be Kansas.  We’re screwed.”

Injured center Jake O’Brien admitted that the Terriers’ seniors attempted to convince coach Pat Chambers to decline the bid, hoping for a more favorable invite to the less intense NIT or College Basketball Invitational.

“We did well in the CBI last year,” explained O’Brien.  “Why not do that again?  We could win a few games, have some fun and go out on a high note.  Why travel to Oklahoma and get killed?”

Despite his players protests, Chambers remains optimistic about his team’s chances.

“I think we could keep it close.  It is Kansas after all, don’t they always find a way to collapse in the tournament?  Or did that stop once Roy [Williams] left?”

“This eagerly awaited announcement is sure to rivet viewers,” reads ESPN’s press release.  “It’s not often that a catcher with the skill of Mr. Barajas gets the chance to pick among so many contending teams.  There very few qualified backup catchers on the market.”

Barajas’ announcement will also be watched carefully by the many other catchers on the market, as his decision is likely to impact marquee free agents Miquel Olvio and Yorvit Torrealba.

The industry has been in free fall in the area over the past few years, beginning with the Celtics trade of Sebastian Telfair in July 2007.  It was thought the recession had hit its low point after the Red Sox trade of Manny Ramirez in mid-2008, and recovery had seemed strong when the Celtics added Rasheed Wallace the following summer.  However, Wallace’s sudden retirement following the NBA Finals sent dealers back to the unemployment lines.

Now, with Moss taking his posse to Minnesota, it is only getting worse for the Boston area.

“Moss was a great customer,” said Dorchester dealer Willie D.  “You could count on him, or someone from his group, stopping by a couple times a week.  Always Monday after a game, usually once later in the week and, if they were playing on a Monday night he’d usually need a third hit on Saturday.  Dude was consistent.”

Sales of pot are expected to drop an additional 7-9% from 2009, although some analysts remain optimistic that the Patriots could fill Moss’ spot with a bright prospect.  The Patriots also have some young players who could pick up the slack for Moss, such as tight end Aaron Hernandez, the former stoner from the University of Florida who currently ranks second on the Pats in receiving, behind Wes Welker, and third in Doritos consumed, behind Moss and Brandon Meriweather.  Delonte West’s recent wrist injury is also expected to boost sales, as the guard will have plenty of time to sit at home, rehab, and toke up.

“I think it would be good for everyone if I was just a part-time employee.  The season is just too demanding, with practices and games and everything.  What are there, 70 of them?  That’s too many.  Does anyone really care about all those games?”

Carter believes such an arrangement could have a positive effect on his team over the long run.

“I could show up for big games, maybe 15 or 20 a season, and then join the team for the playoffs.  But only the first few games of a series, they really don’t need me if we’re up 2-0 or 3-0.  And I guess if we’re down 3-0 there’s no reason for me to waste my energy then either. It’s not like I play all 82 games right now anyway, at least this way I don’t have to fake an injury to get out for a few weeks.”

“I guess Justin is mad because he thinks Tom is copying his haircut,” reported Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. “Tom doesn’t like Justin too much either, but he hasn’t said why. Laurence [Maroney] told me at lunch that he thinks Tom thinks that Justin hit on his steady girl, so maybe that’s it.”

Reports of a Bieber – Brady feud have been the talk of Patriots practice all week. Wide receiver Wes Welker reported seeing Bieber pass Gisele a note in study hall, news of which eventually got back to Brady. Brady and Gisele were seen having an animated discussion, though the later left the practice field holding hands.  Bieber has been unavailable for comment.

When asked about Bieber, head coach Bill Belichick reported that he was “day to day” and that he “did some things well. I’ll have to look at the videotape.”

“We feel Johnny would be a great fit for our next set of Caveman ads,” said an anonymous Geico spokesman.  “He may not have the look anymore but we know he has the potential, and his arm won’t be a hinderance.  He’d be a good fit.”

Geico was originally thought to be blocking Damon from going to rivals AFLAC or Progressive, where he would form a devastating combination with the annoyingly chipper Flo, but there appears to be plenty of interest in adding him to their lineup of cavemen.

It remains to be seen if Damon would waive his no-trade clause for Geico.  The Tigers are not likely to ask for much in exchange, hoping more to dump salary than to pick up a top prospect.  The Tigers originally asked for top Geico prospect Gerry Gecko, younger brother of star reptile Gordon, but are more likely to settle for the rights to Peyton Manning.  Manning remains unsigned by Geico for the moment, but Tigers executives anticipate it being only a matter of time before the omnipresent quarterback signs a deal to appear in their advertisements.  Acquiring Manning’s rights would give the Tigers a potential pitchman in 2011, as well as opening the possibility to commercials containing the entire Manning family.

“St. Peter’s always been one to stay with his team,” noted one prominent member of Heaven.  “But when Steinbrenner is willing to dig into his pockets like this …well, it’s hard to say no.”

It’s uncertain if St. Peter would remain in his same position if he were to join Hell, as the river Sytx is fairly well manned, but sources believe St. Peter would be willing to change roles if the situation fits.

“He’s a versatile guy,” noted fellow Apostle Philip. “Just because he’s always been the man at the gate doesn’t mean that’s all he can do.  I’m sure he’d be able to learn a new role down there, but for our sake, I hope we can keep him.  He’s a big asset to our team in Heaven.”

It’s unknown if Steinbrenner has a backup plan if St. Peter chooses to remain with Heaven, but sources say he could make a belated run at Heat forward Lebron James.

“I just wanted to come out here, command my pitches, throw strikes, and save a few people from incurable diseases.  I think I accomplished as much as I could considering it was my first game in the majors, and my teammates gave me plenty of support.”

Catcher Ivan Rodriguez came away impressed by the flame-throwing savior.  “His fastball had great life on it.  His curveball was tight.  He had us all convinced of his ability when he turned the Gatorade into wine.  I thought that might have cost us in the field once or twice, but that’s a small price to pay for the confidence of playing behind the Messiah.”

Strasburg hopes to build on his start his next time out. “Hopefully I can go a little deeper into the game next time,” said the right-hander.  “It’d be nice to save the bullpen a bit, I know I’m capable of throwing more pitches.  And I’m working on a cure for cancer that could really make a big difference in people’s lives.”

“The system as it is right now discriminates against the worst teams,” explained Angelos.  “When you have no chance to do anything but be terrible year after year, where does that leave you?  We need a way to get our players some extra experience and to get used to the pressure that comes with the playoffs. Why should the Yankees and Red Sox continue to benefit?”

The specifics are still being ironed out, but it is believed Angelos is hoping for three rounds, with the first round or even the first two rounds being a worst-of-5 and the Bizarro Series to be a worst-of-7.  The system could be implemented by 2011, immediately  making the Orioles the odds-on favorite to lose it all.

One major point still being ironed out is the issue of teams qualifying for the anti-playoffs.  Teams in the National League’s Central division are lobbying for an extra bid for their division since it is the largest, and arguably the least competitive, in baseball.

“If this whole plan is about fairness, then I believe our division deserves that extra bid,” said Nutting.  “We have to battle every year against some truly horrible teams like the Brewers and the Astros.  Why shouldn’t our division get an extra bid?  Especially when you consider the Orioles will virtually get a free pass every year in their division.  Either grant us an extra bid or just make it the four worst teams in each league.”

The anti-playoffs might have just missed the ideal situation for the Washington DC metro area.  Had the system been implemented in time for last season, the region would have been gripped by a potential Baltimore – Washington showdown that surely would have enthralled both fanbases.  But with the Nationals much improved, and the expectation that phenom Stephen Strasburg will launch the Nationals further into the grips of mediocrity, the hopes for a regional series will remain in the distance for the time being, though one executive couldn’t help but dream of a similar regional anti-playoff matchup.

“I can’t wait for that first Subway Series between the Yankees and Mets,” said Red Sox President Larry Lucchino.  “That will be a great day for all of baseball.”

“We’ve been down 2-0, we’ve been down 3-0,” said coach Peter Laviolette.  “But we’ve never been down 2-1.  This is tough.  We know how to handle those deficits but having never come back from 2-1 down, well, I’ve got to say I don’t know how we’re going to do it.”

Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane knows his team dodged a bullet.  “We definitely got lucky.  If we had won the game they’d have had us right where they wanted us.  But now we know we’re in control of this series.”

Claude Giroux saw his night go from elation after scoring the game-winner at 14:01 of overtime to despair when he realized the untenable position he put his team in.

“I don’t know, I guess we should have let them score in OT.  I never really thought about the implications of trying to win that game.”

Flyers Goalie Michael Leighton thinks the team just needs to adjust its strategy.  “I should probably just let them win game 4.  I know we’d feel more comfortable down 3-1 than tied at 2 apiece.  No one will really think its odd if I spot them 7 goals.  I mean, have you followed my career? “

“That was a disgrace to the umpiring profession,” said West.  “To make that call, and then allow Cabrera to chew his ear off for the remainder of the game?  Come on, show some respect for your job.  You’ve got to eject that guy, it doesn’t matter if you blew the call, he has no right to question you so openly.”

West recently came under fire for his ejection of White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle and manager Ozzie Guillen.

“Not only do you not stand up for yourself, but then you make it even worse by admitting the call was wrong and actually apologize to the kid?  Have some respect for the game.  There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with this uniform.  We umpires have a long tradition of getting calls blatantly wrong.”

General Manager Mark Warkentein declined to comment on the report, saying he could not comment on speculation but teammates were shocked at news.

“I don’t know how this happened,” said All-Star forward Carmelo Anthony.  “We were just out partying together last week, stuff was being passed around, it was all good.  I could have sworn Birdman was with us when we were smoking.  I guess it could have just been Koby [Karl], I was pretty wasted.  It’s too bad, Chris is a good guy.  I hope he gets the help he needs to come back strong for next season.”

Chauncey Billups said that Andersen has let down his fans with his latest bout of sobreity.  “I’m sure they’re disappointed in him.  As his teammate, we know what he’s going through and I’m sure he’ll be welcomed back into the locker room.  But those fans, man, those are the people he’s going to have to win back.  He’s ruined his image as a high-flying, hard-partying guy.  He’s got to make that right.”

“All you guys [in the media] are talkin’ about how he’s the best free agent, man,” said the mercurial slugger. “Well, we could use a little help, you know? The Phillies signed Pedro the middle of last season and he helped them get to the World Series. We’re strugglin’, man. I’ve never seen the guy play, but I keep hearing ‘he’s good, he’s the best’. Why wouldn’t we want a guy like that?”

The fact that the Cleveland Cavaliers’ small forward is the most prized free agent in the history of the NBA appears to have escaped Ramirez, who became defensive when reporters tried to explain that he played basketball.

“Man, I don’t care what league he played in last year. We keep gettin’ those guys from Asia, you know, they turn out okay. If you can play, you can play anywhere.”

It remains unknown whether James could even hit a baseball, but teammates offered their support of Manny.

“Manny’s always thinking,” said teammate Andre Ethier. “Yeah, his ideas may seem a little crazy but hey, he’s hit what, 550 home runs? He knows the game. If he thinks Lebron could help us, I’m sure he knows something we don’t. His strike zone may be a little big, but I bet he’d be a great base stealer.”

Even manager Joe Torre seemed intrigued by the idea.

“I told Manny I didn’t know what position he’d play, but Manny’s always talking about ‘that guy with the big chin’ that he played with in Boston who used to move all over the field. He even said that he’d shift back to right field if I needed him to. He figures someone could move to make room for James.  I know it’s just Manny being Manny, but if Lebron brought Dwayne Wade with him I’d be all for it.  I really enjoy those T-Mobile commercials.”