Author Archive for Brian O'Connor
Brian O'Connor is a graduate of Northeastern University. He has absolutely no experience as a writer and is only occasionally known for being funny, but is an avid sports fan.
16 Seed BU: “We’re Screwed”
TULSA – Fresh off winning their first America East championship in nine years, the Boston University Terriers were disheartened to learn that they were being rewarded with the No. 16 seed in the Southwest region for the upcoming NCAA tournament. ”Man, I couldn’t believe it,” said senior forward John Holland. “I was all excited, ready [...]
ESPN, Barajas Team Up for “The Decision 2″
Free agent catcher Rod Barajas is going to announce where he’ll be spending the 2011 season next Monday night on ESPN, a highly anticipated special to be called “The Decision 2″. The career .239 hitter is expected to be listening to offers from many potential suitors, including the Dodgers, Red Sox and Royals. “This eagerly [...]
Unemployment Continues to Rise Among New England Weed Dealers
BOSTON – Reeling from major unanticipated losses, the New England region’s struggling marijuana industry is expected to see the lowest sales figures in decades in 2010. The region’s struggling pot dealers have taken hit after hit the past few years, culminating with the October trade that sent Randy Moss to the Minnesota Vikings. The industry [...]
Carter Asks Magic to Make Him Part-Time
ORLANDO – After a demanding 82 game season and a run to the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, Orlando Magic forward Vince Carter is exhausted and would like his team to do something to keep him from getting so tired in the 2010-11 season. “I think it would be good for everyone if I was just [...]
Brady, Bieber to Fight on Playground at 4
FOXBORO – Teen heartthrob Justin Bieber has challenged New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to a fight after practice today, according to sources close to Brady. Brady will accept the challenge, agreeing to a fight with Bieber at 4 PM EDT on the playground near the swing sets. “I guess Justin is mad because he [...]
Geico Claims Damon off Waivers
DETROIT – MLB sources are reporting that Tiger outfielder Johnny Damon has been claimed off waivers by Geico. Geico now has 48 hours to work out a trade with the Tigers, or possibly secure his rights outright should the Tigers decide to simply allow Geico to claim Damon and the approximately $2 million he is [...]
Steinbrenner Offers St. Peter Contract to Join Hell
HEAVEN – According to an unnamed source from the Sixth Circle of Hell, new Third Circle tenant George Steinbrenner has offered Heaven’s St. Peter a 6-year, $132 million contract to come work for Satan. The contract represents a significant increase for St. Peter, who has remained loyal to his God for millenia despite being underpaid [...]
Strasburg Wins First Start, Heals Leper
WASHINGTON – Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg fared well in his big league debut last night, striking out 14 and allowing only two runs in seven innings, getting the win and healing a leper seated in section 204 of Nationals Park. “I just wanted to come out here, command my pitches, throw strikes, and save a [...]
Orioles Proposing Anti-Playoffs
BALTIMORE – With the team he owns mired in a 13 year slump, Peter Angelos is preparing a proposal to Major League Baseball to form an “anti-playoff” for the league’s worst teams. “The system as it is right now discriminates against the worst teams,” explained Angelos. “When you have no chance to do anything but [...]
Flyers Concerned After Game 3 Win
PHILADELPHIA – The Philadelphia Flyers have found themselves in dangerous position after a thrilling overtime victory in game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals. The Flyers expressed concern following the game about being in the difficult, and unfamiliar, position of trailing the series two games to one. “We’ve been down 2-0, we’ve been down 3-0,” [...]
Joe West: Joyce a ‘Disgrace’
Umpire Joe West has become the latest to condemn Jim Joyce’s infamous blown call. Joyce ruled Cleveland Indians shortstop Jason Donald safe at first in the ninth inning of Wednesday night’s game, despite replays clearly showing the throw beat Donald, costing Tigers right-hander Armando Galarraga a perfect game. “That was a disgrace to the umpiring [...]
Nuggets’ Andersen Facing Suspension After Passing Drug Test
DENVER – NBA sources have confirmed that Nuggets forward Chris “Birdman” Andersen is facing a possible suspension for violating substance abuse policy. The source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that the colorful Andersen passed a recent drug test and is facing a potential ten-game ban to start next season. General Manager Mark [...]
Ramirez Wants Dodgers to Sign Lebron
LOS ANGELES – With his team off to a slow start two games behind the surprising San Diego Padres, Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez took time today after batting practice to make a push to convince management to sign free-agent-to-be Lebron James. “All you guys [in the media] are talkin’ about how he’s the best free [...]