Infamous 112-year-old Raiders owner Al Davis was apparently attracted to Sheen’s catch phrase, “Winning!” as it echoes his own decree to “Just Win Baby!”

Of course there’s still the question of whether Sheen is qualified to be an NFL coach just because he’s had success on a sitcom. “I’m bi-winning, I win here, I win there. I am special,” he assured everyone gathered at the Raiders press conference introducing him as head coach. “My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.”

Can he win in the NFL and survive as  a new coach under the enigmatic Davis? “I don’t believe in panicking. Panicking is for amateurs and morons.” There’s also concern about how long he could keep up his frantic media pace alongside the rigors and demands of being an NFL coach, but Sheen claims “I don’t have burnout in my gear box.”

Davis recalls first meeting Sheen: “He told me ‘Go back to the troll hole where you came from’, but then someone told him I owned the Raiders and we just hit it off from there.”

Sheen was a surprise hiring, vaulting him ahead of bigger-name coaches assumed to be back in the NFL soon like Bill Cower, Jon Gruden, and Jeff Fischer. “I have real fame,” brags Sheen when asked about those other coaches. “They have nothing.”

While Davis and Sheen might seem like an odd pairing, Sheen’s use of the word “bitchin” and Davis’ penchant for Members Only jackets projects a certain synergy. Davis expects Sheen to pick his own staff (“There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins”) and Davis fully expects Sheen to be on board with Davis’ longtime agenda of beating out the Broncos, Chiefs, and Chargers. “Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber,” smiles Sheen.

Still no word on Vegas odds for which one of them is the favorite to die first.

“Playing in New York for the Knicks is something Carmelo Anthony has always dreamed of,” said Anthony, referring to himself in third person.

While still in Denver dealing with trade rumors swirling to tornado levels before the NBA All-Star break, Anthony praised himself, though technically not in the third-person tense, by saying “I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff that’s going on and still be able to go out there and play at the high level that I can play at. I really don’t think an average person can walk in my shoes. I don’t think that.”

At press time, we couldn’t confirm if he had taken off a Nuggets hat, a Knicks hat, or just some other unrelated hat, or whether he made the gesture in a mirror. In fact, we’re still not sure how someone could take their hat off to themselves or if Anthony is the first person (pardon the pun) to ever take his hat off to himself. He does make a good point about the average person’s ability to walk in his shoes: the average man wears a size 10 shoe, while Anthony’s shoes are likely much, much bigger than that, as he stands at 6 feet 8 inches, certainly a lot taller than the average person.

Now that he’s in New York, Anthony finally gives the Knicks their first true superstar scorer who talks about himself in third person since Stephon Marbury. Former NBA sharpshooter Chuck Person was unavailable for comment.

Woman Claiming "That's My Boy" Does Have Striking Resemblance to Ray Allen

Flo Allen was in attendance at this weekend’s NBA All-Star festivities, just as she is often seen at Celtics games, claiming to be the mother of superstar sharpshooter Ray Allen.

“THAT’S MY BOY!” has been her only statement, although it’s sometimes worded “THAT’S MY BABY,” but to her credit she has screamed it 14,682 times over the younger Allen’s legendary career.  No one has ever claimed that she wasn’t the biological mother of the NBA’s All-Time 3-pt Shooter.

The frequent caller released a statement saying “While I have tremendous respect for the Bears and their championship-caliber franchise and would have been honored to maximize big-city exposure with ideal controversy-to-football interest ratio, my loyalty to Baltimore, the Ravens, the Orioles, as well as the University of Maryland, cemented my choice for what would be a life-affirming plan of action, or in this case in-action, by not departing.”

There was allegedly a last-ditch effort by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder to lure Ed From Arbutus with a large cash offer along with the ability to remain in Arbutus and still call into D.C.-area radio stations.

Ed From Arbutus ultimately turned down the Redskins’ big-money offer. “I was impressed with Mr. Snyder’s contact-to-offer velocity,” Ed explained when returning our call for comment. “And while the financial compensatory package was beyond reasonable expectations to contribute to the game I love, I could not and would not entertain the notion of joining forces with a man who’s ruined the once-proud franchise of Sammy Baugh and Sonny Jorgenson. The Burgundy & Gold. The Over-the-Hill Gang and the Hogs. Darrell Green and Art Monk. But I have no dog in that fight. My home is in Baltimore with the Ravens. Thanks for takin’ my call Gentlemen.”

After the horrifying debacle that was the Black Eyed Peas attempt at a musical performance, the league has set aside large sums of money not related to their ongoing revenue dispute with the players in hopes that they could make next year’s show better.

Coming Back From Dead to Play Halftime?

“We looked into the idea of trying to get John Lennon,” one league source told us, “and we actually spoke to Yoko Ono, but she said something about getting a million people to stand in a straight line from some sacred Scandinavian territory to Iceland or something. I had no clue what she was talking about. We checked some maps, it can’t be done.”

The catalyst for this expensive and first-of-its-kind project was the abominable showing by the pop group Black Eyed Peas at Super Bowl XLV. ACME Entertainment Solutions, a group that measures this kinda stuff with ratings and surveys and something called Aggregate Blog Reaction, came out with its findings recently and rated the Black Eyed Peas performance “Fucking Horrible.”

With a Lennon deal unlikely, the committee contacted Janie Hendrix, the sister of the late guitarist and executor of his estate. “She was great,” according to the league source. “I mean she just started giving us a routing number and asking where to sign. Although there’s not much in the way of new unreleased songs in Jimi’s vault, Janie’s promised that they’d be able to come up with a release to coincide with the Super Bowl. And of course if everything works out with the science part of bringing him back to life, we all look forward to meeting Jimi. We’re big fans.”

While Broadway Joe Namath’s exploits and partying ways were quaint back in the boys-will-be-boys good old days, if it happened now there would be footage and he’d be serving a suspension for violating Roger Goodell’s conduct policy. Not to mention his infamous snafu trying snuggle up to Suzy Kolber during a sideline interview.

Then there’s Brett Favre, who’s certainly more famous for his Hall of Fame career in Green Bay and comeback in Minnesota, but it was during his time with the Jets that this married man close to age 40 texted photos of his johnson to some chick half his age. Read that again. That’s just creepy.

Now Sanchez, in a recent dating scandal involving a 17 year old joins that rare group of creepy Jets legends. As some girl named Amanda tweeted, “OMG this girl in my high school totally hooked up with Mark Sanchez. I guess he’s cute, but ewww!!!”

None of the quarterbacks or their representatives responded to requests for comments, but a source close to Namath said “Since when is kissing Suzy Kolber a low point?”

Here’s the deal: they have Washington’s Birthday or I guess now they sorta combined him with Lincoln and made it “Presidents Day.” Third Monday in February I think it is. And the Super Bowl that used to be played in late January, now increasingly falls out on the first few days of February. Not a huge deal, but that puts it a bit further from Martin Luther King Day, and it has become a “February” event in our minds. “January football” now means Playoffs and “if you wanna be playing in February” is now a direct reference to making it to the Super Bowl.

So, you see where I’m going with this right? Presidents Day is kinda pointless anyway, right? It’s just some random Monday off. It’s not like we plan family visits or anything. And it usually isn’t really on Washington’s actual birthday, so why not move it back couple weeks and make it the first Monday in February? Like it matters. Jesus wasn’t born on December 25.

But wait…. that’s not all. I’m not proposing the day after Super Bowl be Presidents Day just for the partying factor and being able to stay up late for the game (hey, a new generation of kids/fans/consumers need to be raised, how can they watch the big game if they got school in the morning?). And it’s not to avoid calling in sick, AKA hungover.

This is actually an economic stimulus package that I implore President Obama, enthusiastic sports fan that he is, to embrace and pursue. Presidents Day is usually filled with ridiculous sales on cars and mattresses (two items that are ALWAYS on sale). They drum up these silly commercials with cartoons of Lincoln and Washington to tell us to shop for stuff. Why? Most of us just do laundry that day and wonder what might be open or closed, since it’s not really a holiday but it is. So no one shops. Wasted holiday.

So, once you move it the day after the Super Bowl, Presidents Day will be right after the day/night famous for not just football, but the fact that 10’s of millions of Americans of all demographics gather around their TV’s to WATCH THE COMMERCIALS. Personally I’m all about the game. But a LOT of people come right out and say they are “excited” for the “commercials.”

What an opportunity! Wouldn’t it be awesome if, the day after the Super Bowl, hordes of Americans were off work and school, and heading out to buy the cars and colas and countless other crappy items they saw advertised the night before!

This makes too much sense. And while it might not happen, I think it’s more likely than the NFL moving the game to Saturday. But, until then, just keep callin’ in sick.

A lot of people criticized this team, and LeBron in particular, for not being hungry enough. But now they’ve got the munchies since they started buying into Spoelstra, who bears a striking resistance to Kumar from the movie Harold & Kumar. Or Harold. No, wait, he looks like Kumar.

Coach Spo hopes to avoid party fouls as he leads the Miami Heat to White Castle.

After one recent victory, Dwyane Wade explained “Coach Spo represents both Harold and Kumar, like this complex dichotomy, depending on how he needs approaching each player in different situations. We had our struggles early on, but that was just the paranoia creepin’ in. But we know Coach Spo has the good stuff. Now we’re having fun out there, giggling a lot. We know he can get us where we we’re tryin’ to get, and that’s White Castle.

While many reports had surfaced regarding the possibility that Team President Pat Riley would return to the bench and coach, he’s more likely to make a different sort of power move: bringing in Neil Patrick Harris in a cameo role as Steve Kerr. “I would welcome anyone that could help this team,” said James. “And Steve Kerr has knocked down a lot of huge 3’s in championship situations. Even if it was only Neal Patrick Harris dressed up as Steve Kerr, we’re all about improving this ballclub. Besides, NPH is a bro.”

Wade, James, and former Toronto Raptor who looks like an actual dinosaur raptor Chris Bosh still don’t have a cemented nickname, beyond the generic and already taken “Big 3.” Given Spoelstra’s appearance, a few NBA bloggers have suggested calling them “Harold & Kumar 3” since there have been two Harold & Kumar movies so far. But that’s stupid. Even LeBron’s people know that’s stupid.

While That Guy’s identity hasn’t been confirmed, Chucky has given in-game hints like “That Guy is a football player” during telecasts.

The League has yet to comment on numerous blog reports that That Guy is likely San Francisco 49ers LB Patrick Willis. Tapes reveal that during the Saints-Niners MNF game, Gruden declared “That’s guy leads the league from the linebacker position in… holy smokes plays!”**

_______________

**Actual quote from Jon Gruden’s on air comments during the game.

Most Red Sox fans were so thrilled and relieved to have New York out of the playoffs so they won’t have to think about them even though they are obsessed with them and couldn’t stop if they wanted to and will likely spend the entire World Series talking about how great it is that the Yankees aren’t in it.

Onlookers and witnesses reported both versions of Johnny Damon’s jersey being burned. As the celebration lasted through the night, it was unclear why the Red Sox fans hated the Yankees and yet had become them in red uniforms.

NFL Probe: Brett Favre May Have Texted Inappropriate Pictures to Other Athletes

During last Monday’s telecast of the Patriots-Dolphins game, Gruden broke the news that “Over the last several years, Bill Belichick has been about as good as anyone at coaching.”

Later in the game, he finally cracked the code and explained that one player “used his size advantage to his advantage.”

It was with this keen insight that Gruden, who we’re contractually obligated to refer to at least once as Chucky, eventually concluded that “The New England Patriots can beat you in so many ways, and special teams is one of ‘em”!

Gruden is the kinda announcer who will say things about football, and you will hear them come through his microphone and out your TV. Then he’ll probably kick it over to Jaws who will make some scheme- or film-based comment about the National Football league before Mike Tirico narrates the next football play.

See, a few years ago I signed up for some stupid NFL Visa card, and one of my sign-up gifts was a white mini helmet with the NFL logo on one side and Plunkett’s autograph on the other. I left it in the original case, and it looks pretty cool on my shelf with just the NFL-logo side showing. But honestly, I’d love to sell it on eBay, even if I just got like 20 bucks for it.

I doubt I could sell it for much, but I’m sure it would be worth a little bit more if Mr. Plunkett were suddenly thrust back into the national consciousness by doing something like, I don’t know, dying? Actually, it would really sky-rocket in value if he were part of some major scandal of some sort. Maybe he could kidnap Michael Jackson’s ex-doctor or perhaps make a sex tape with one of the Kardashians? And THEN die. His autograph would probably be worth close to $50 at that point.

Maybe I should just sell it now for about $9, charge a little too much for shipping to pad my profit by a couple bucks and be done with it. Oh, I don’t know, I guess I should wait for him to die? This is tough.

Also: any chance that Tracy McGrady and/or Daunte Culpepper might make an incredible return-to-form and win a championship? Cuz I have rookie cards of each.

In return, the Wizards have asked the NBA and media to not mention that whole Kwame Brown thing. Also in a letter from the team to league offices, new Wizards owner Ted Leonsis also requested that a few other things not be mentioned.

The letter has not been made public but multiple sources have confirmed that two of the items Washington doesn’t want mentioned are: their trade that sent away Chris Webber in his prime in return for aging and over the hill guard Mitch Richmond and center Otis Thorpe (combined ages at the time of the trade: 136); drafting Kenny Green in 1985 instead of a guy named Karl Malone.

Stern also asked all teams and media to never mention Tim Donaghy and Latrell Sprewell.

Several irresponsible and sourceless bloggers have speculated that other teams will soon start making similar requests for the league and media to no mention certain incidents, including:

• Milwaukee Bucks drafting Dirk Nowitzki in 1998 and trading him to Dallas for Robert “Tractor” Traylor (passing on Paul Pierce in the process).
• Detroit Pistons passing on Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, and Chris Bosh to draft Darko Milicic in 2003.
• Portland Trailblazers for the Oden-over-Durant fiasco.
• Karl Malone, now a Hall of Famer, has asked us to stop mentioning that draft-day suit.

Nice suit. Don't mention it.

The New Jersey Nets and the Los Angeles Clippers have reportedly already sent letters asking that no one mentions the time they passed on Scottie Pippen, Kevin Johnson and Reggie Miller for Dennis Hopson and Reggie Williams, respectively.

Stern’s office will reportedly go one step further by simply never mentioning the Nets or the Clippers again.