The official statement issued reads, “Maryland law enforcement officials issued a warning to the Baltimore area. Arriving in town this week is a man with a violent history towards women. He is said to wear yellow and black, trolls around in women bathrooms, and answers to the name of Ben. Authorities caution Baltimore area women to beware of this perpetrator from now until the early morning hours of December 6th.”

“I’m not going to say that I am nervous about this weekend. I believe everyone gets a second chance,” says Tommy Bangs, father of two daughters, “But will I make sure my daughters are safe when Sunday comes around? You bet your sweet ass I will.”

Since the Ravens, Steelers rivalry is so heated between players, between fans, that the addition to Ben’s return to Baltimore raises the bar to a whole new level. When Ben steps foot in Baltimore, he has been told to wear his cup at all times. One so he keeps it in his pants, but also because so many people will be wanting to kick him in the dick.

The party consisted of a costume contest, and the winner didn’t just go to one person, it went to a group. The winner, the defensive backs, who came dressed as “shut down corners.” “We all came together and thought what would be really good, and we knew exactly what to go as,” said Fabian Washington.” Josh Wilson added, “Fabian was the creator of this idea, but I stand behind it. I mean look at us, we won the costume contest.”

Asked whether they may bring a little bit of humor to next weeks game and keep the Halloween fun going, Chris Carr answered, “Nah, it’s back to business. We’ll be back to normal against Miami. We made Fitzpatrick look like a Pro Bowler, so we will probably make Henne look like one too.”

Confused for being a Troll Doll, Jeff Reed is actually an NFL kicker for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

A few days have passed since the Baltimore Ravens victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers, and one thing still sticks out from it, Jeff Reed is still a tool. When the pressure was on, and for the most part, the game was ultimately decided by, Jeff Reed kept his tool status by missing on two costly field goals.

Reed missed wide right on a 49 yard field goal attempt and wide left on a 45 yard try, and kept the Steelers behind. “You just have got to move on from it,” said Reed at Down and Dirty, an under 21 night club, “All I need is to get some Jegar Bombs and Heinekens in my system, and I’ll be good as new.” Reed then exited after spotting a young blond and said, “Oh, I’se gots to have that.”

For now, Reed’s job is not on the line, but if his tool status starts to drop, the Steelers may look to add a new kicker to the team. “To be a Pittsburgh Steeler, you need to be a tool,” said head coach Mike Tomlin, “We are very lucky to have Jeff on our team, but we are keeping an eye on him.” Tomlin was then asked about his ultimate tool, in which he responded, “We are so happy to have Ben back with us.”

Hines Ward is a baby.

It is now official, and three weeks are officially in the books for the 2010-11 NFL football season. Some players are already hurting from the hard hitting moments that is football, but one team is hurting emotionally. The Pittsburgh Steelers enter week four of Ben Rothlisberger’s four game suspension, and the team feels as if they are slowly losing their Pro Bowl quarterback.

“I just don’t know who he is anymore,” said wide receiver Hines Ward, “I just want my Big Ben back next to me and in my hands.” Word around the locker room is that since Rothlisberger has had to stay away from the team for so long that he is becoming a completely different man. “I tried to call him the other day to see how he was doing, if he was keeping up with his training, and all he could say was ‘Hey you guys!’ I think he is losing it,” said head coach Mike Tomlin.

Pittsburgh comes in this week needing Rothlisberger most of all, as the team hosts rival Baltimore.  “It is a shame that he isn’t here with us this week,” said defensive back Troy Polamalu, “He has just been in his house, making sure that he stays out of trouble. I need him back because he washes my hair when we take our showers together. He really just needs to get back to his roots and find an 18 year old scotch, drink it, then dispose on an 18 year old.”

Current president of Merriam-Webster, Edgar Poe, commented on the change saying, “This was well needed. We feel that the word ‘s**t’ is a very vulgar word and needs to be treated that way. The word we chose is both dangerous and horrifying to say or hear. I will only say this once because of how nasty the word is, but we thought we needed to change it to ‘Cleveland Browns’.” Poe then felt disgusted by mentioning the word.

The Webster Dictionary also made a few references in relation to the word. In addition to what is already included from the previous word “s**t,” new references include: 1. You just got “Cleveland Browned” (slang) on by Anquan Boldin for 142 yards and three touchdowns. 2. The Cleveland Browns are “Cleveland Browns.” 3. The ugliest color in the world is “Cleveland Browns” brown. 4. Old Man Clemens hates “Cleveland Browns.”

The Webster Dictionary is also accepting more references through their website, as well as SportsCrab.com. Just post your reference on the comment section below this article, and it will be brought up for consideration.

Fireman Ed ready for work, even with his mouth open.

Ryan found out the news just when the clock struck zero at the Jets’ Monday night game verses the Ravens. “I’m just so drained right now, that I just can’t help myself,” said Ryan, “I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem because I will have plenty of help. All I need is a good wrench to clog the leaks that I have.” Ryan then proceeded to show reporters his wrench, “This baby will definitely do the trick. It’s the best brand money can buy, Kleenex.”

Long Jet fan, Fireman Ed, was soon found with his hard hat on, tool status declared, and was ready to get to work whenever Ryan needed him. Fireman Ed commented, “Being the kind of fan that I am, I will do whatever I can for this team, so that we can be successful. Even if that means dropping to my knees and getting dirty.”

Thompson was then asked what he thought about John Clayton ranking their “franchise quarterback” 33rd in the NFL, who was ranked behind Steelers backup Byron Leftwich? Big Dawg answered, “I don’t care what the Crypt Keeper says. He looks like a light bulb. His neck must have really good ideas. Clayton is an idiot. Jake is making the Pro Bowl this season. Just wait,  when week four comes around, Jake is gonna have a quarterback rating around 100.”

The Browns face a tough schedule this season. Other then the teams within the AFC North, the Browns will play Atlanta at home, go on the road to New Orleans, and will have New England and the Jets back-to-back after the week 8 bye. This schedule doesn’t phase Big Dawg as he makes his prediction, “I think were going to finish 10-6 and win the North, beating out the Dirty Stupid Ugly Smelly Ratbirds, who finish at 9-7.”

• Marc Bulger will take over as Ravens starting quarterback because John Harbaugh will listen to the gifted minds who post this on team forums.

• Troy Smith will take over as Ravens starting quarterback because John Harbaugh will listen to the gifted minds who post this on team forums.

• T.O. and Chad Ochocinco will start their own reality television show called “Batman and Robin: The H.O.F. Duo.” Show will consist of the two going out in Cinci and fighting crime. First episode, “Getting Rid of the Competition: A Bryant Tale.” Series will follow the new reality dating show, “Pacman and his Bitches: Stripper Love.”

• Ben Roethlisberger will adopt three daughters to show that he is a changed man. Ages will be 21 (Bar time!), 20 (You’re almost 21! Until then we can have some drinks in Daddy’s room.), and 18 (Yea-a-a-a-a!).

• Brett Favre will admit to the fact that Sidney Rice actually donated his hip to Favre in the off-season to get the quarterback to come play for another season.

• Rex Ryan will get team’s name changed from the New York Jets to the F**king New York Jets. Tony Dungy will write a new book about it.

• Eagles fans will stand behind starting quarterback Kevin Kolb for the whole season, mostly because they are the best fans in the NFL.

• The Cleveland Browns will have the worst record in the AFC. (Oh wait, this is true.)

Let the season and fun begin!

“It’s official, we are divorced,” noted Woods from the speculations, “Besides the number one focus of my kids, it is back to the basics for me. I plan on going back to the way I once was, winning PGA Championships and solidifying my spot as the number ‘player’ in the game.” Woods then continued by going on to say, “Over the past couple months, I haven’t been able to do what made me the best golfer in the game, and that is banging the crap out of the ball and banging the crap out of random tail.” “I’m officially single now, so what does a single bachelor do?” asked Woods, “You go out and have a good time. I’m rich bitch!”

The bell to the seventh race rang and the horses were off. Woods stood and started to cheer, “Come on Thewifedoesntknow! Come on!” The horses came down the stretch and Thewifedoesntknow was running in second, but in the end, Woods and Thewifedoesntknow were the losers as Mywifenosevrything finished in first.

Kindle was unable to partake in the hazing due to a head injury suffered at a friends house in Texas.

On a muggy Sunday afternoon, Ravens veterans, such as Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, and Anquan Boldin, took a few select rookies out to the ball park and forced them to watch a Baltimore Orioles game. “This team is just terrible,” said tight end Ed Dickson, “I kinda liked baseball, but now after having to sit through this, I’m done.” The other rookie tight end, Dennis Pitta, added, “It seemed like every time we were forced to look, the Twins were hitting a home run.”

The Orioles lost 4-10 to the Minnesota Twins, and veterans couldn’t be more happy with how the hazing went. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner,” said Terrell Suggs, “You haven’t seen a bad game of baseball until you have come to Baltimore. Sergio is one lucky man right now because after today, I’m sure all of these guys wish they had fallen down the stairs as well.”

Playing for the Portland Junior Pirates League in Maine, the Caps had the urgency to go after the kid and make sure he would be a Capital for life. “We felt that in the current NHL industry, good players must be locked up for an extensive period of time,” said majority owner Ted Leonsis, “We wanted to go for more, but we thought that signing Olivi till he was 45 was enough.”

For Wahlstrom to collect all of his $200 million, he must follow certain expectations. Leonsis explained, “He must complete high school with a 3.0 GPA, reach first base with a girl before he is given a uniform number, and he must be able to grow facial hair for those playoff beards. This isn’t everything either. We have a lot going into this young man and think that he will put us over the top, and get us that Stanley Cup.”

Lee could have the power to bring LeBron to the Knicks

After the recent signing of Amare Stoudemire, the New York Knicks are still looking on adding other players to their team in hopes of possibly landing LeBron James. Now the team’s focus is to resign free agent David Lee. Not everyone though is in the same mind frame, one being Stoudemire. When asked, “How he would feel if the Knicks resigned Lee?” Stoudemire answered, “Signing Lee to a deal would just go to show that New York is well on its way to being back on top. Getting Spike back where he has always belonged would add a little bit more to this team, and also would entice LeBron even more to coming to N.Y.C.”

Stoudemire was confused when reporters started laughing after his statement, and continued by saying, “What’s so funny? Spike Lee is a genius. With him back LeBron may think that a movie deal could easily take place and he could be in the next Spike Lee Joint. I know he doesn’t play, but his legs are fresh if we need him, and him being on that bench is motivation enough. He’s a legend.” Laughter continued towards Stoudemire, and finally he was asked, “You are joking, right Amare? We’re talking about David Lee.” Becoming flustered, Stoudemire tipped his Knicks cap, cleared his throat, and concluded by saying, “Yeah guys. You know me. I was, I was joking. That’s another thing I bring to New York, other then my play. Dan Lee would be a great addition.”

On the 17th hole, Woods took out his anger on Price is Right host Drew Carey after a poor shot from the bunker. Woods commented, “Drew was on my ass all day. Sometimes you just don’t come out with your ‘A-game’ and I don’t need someone like him commenting on ever shot.” After his shot on 17, Woods jumped out of the bunker and screamed, “The price is wrong bitch,” and attacked Carey. Woods tackled Carey and the two proceeded to roll down the hill. After a few exchanges, the two were eventually separated.  Woods continued to say, “I know he wanted to win, but when you have one fan constantly yelling ‘Jackass’ all the time, and then Drew adding more to my plate, I just couldn’t take it.” Both men have been separated as a team, but will continue to play in the Pro-Am.

With the British Open less than two weeks away, Woods thinks he knows a way to solve his struggles. “I’m just all built up inside, and I just need a release,” said Woods, who then concluded, “With the divorce and everything else that has gone on in my life recently, I just can’t get that release. Hopefully something comes around that can help me, so that I’m ready for the Open.”

Now considered "unwanted," US jerseys continue to be donated.

So far, hundreds of jerseys have been donated to Goodwill, and that number is steadily increasing. “What’s the point? All this jersey is going to do is sit in my dresser and gather dust, so I might as well let someone get enjoyment out of it and donate it,” said Tom Portman of Edgewood, “I was just another sucker who got caught up in all the excitement, so I went out and spent my $80 on a Donovan jersey. Now what am I going to do with it? I really don’t even like soccer all that much, and Donovan will be 32 next World Cup. Will he even be on the team?”

The buzz of US soccer jumped dramatically during the World Cup, setting records in viewing ratings, but now that the countries team is out, it’s back to the usual in the states. “I got my soccer buzz to support my country, but football is right around the corner,” said Matt Seiler of Baltimore, “Soccer may be good, but it is not even close to football, baseball, or just any other main sports in America. USA chants are in the past, now its time for ‘R-A-V-E-N-S! Ravens!’.”