“I don’t know what we did, but I think we need to rectify it immediately.” said Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding, “This is just getting ridiculous.”

The San Diego Chargers, who are a statistical juggernaut, are 2-5 and no one seems to be able to answer why.  They are the leading team in terms of both offense and defense, yet they are still struggling.  To put an end to the confusion, I interviewed the Football Gods to see what the deal was.

“I just don’t like how Philip Rivers throws,” said Gorgias, the God of Quarterbacks, “it just looks really weird.  Anyone who has his mechanics deserves to lose.  I mean just looking at it is mind boggling, how can he throw it that far without bringing the ball back at all, I’ll tell you how, he made a deal with the Football Devil.”

With this interesting revelation, I decided to give the Football Devil a call as well to no avail.  He was out of town on a business trip with Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis.  I did get a statement from his secretary Nick Saban though.  Regarding whether Rivers made a deal with the Football Devil to have advanced, insane throwing mechanics Saban had this to say, “Yes.”  I then asked if anyone else had posed an inquiry to help their mechanics out, “Ryan Leaf did and…well…you see how that turned out.  I’ll tell you who we could really help out if he would get off of his high horse…Tim Tebow.”

Of course Tebow would not be interested because he worships the real God, which the Football Gods take issue with, “If he wants to get anywhere in the NFL he better start worshiping us and ditch this ‘real God’ bull crap.  Until he does…3rd string it is.” said Gorgias.

There is certainly something fishing going on with the NFL this season.  There is waaayyyy too much parity.  Top contending teams are 1-3 or 0-4, laughingstock franchises are in first place, and the Ravens are actually getting some coverage.

Preseason favorites to win their respective divisions are in the basement in their divisions.  The Viking and Cowboys who were Superbowl favorites now officially blow hard.  They suck so bad!  The only thing worse than watching these two miserable teams play other teams is watching them play each other.  Guess what special treat we are in for this Sunday too?!  They are going to play each other and quite frankly I don’t really give a crap, nor does the rest of America.  These teams are not contending at all.  Frankly I’d much rather watch a Detroit Lions game which have proven to be much more exciting than watching Tony Romo and Brett Favre suck it up all season.  YOU SUCK!!!

The San Francisco 49ers.  WTF?! What happened?!  Once the Arizona Cardinals lost Kurt Warner, it was your division.  Every sports analyst, including me, handed that division to you.  You are now sitting at the bottom of the toilet in the bottom of the toilet division (NFC West in case you didn’t know SUCKS!!!)  You have yet to win a game.  Who cares if you

“kept them close?”  I don’t.  I will care when you stop SUCKING!

Pick one team in the NFC that you can point to and say, “I could see them in the Superbowl.”  Do it, I dare you.  What’s that?  You can’t?  That is right, because the NFC SUCKS!!!!

Even worse than this is the weirdness happening in the AFC South.  What the hell is going on?!  Every team is 3-2?  How is that even allowed?  What happened to the Colts pounding all over every team?  How are the Jaguars somehow a legitimate contender out of no where?  This SUCKS.  I’m sick of everyone saying things like “This is the year Houston will take the division.”  After they beat the Colts, it was pretty convincing.  Then what did they do?  They lost to incredibly crappy teams.  HOUSTON TEXANS, GUESS WHAT?! YOU STILL SUCK!

How are the Bills putting up so many points on teams?  They put up 30 points on the New England Patriots.  THE PATRIOTS!  The one team you could point to and say, “Hey that team doesn’t suck.”  THEY DO!  THEY SUCK!  How do you give up 30 points to Ryan Fitzpatrick?  I’ll tell you how…YOU SUCK!  Name one player on the Buffalo Bills.  No.  Jim Kelly doesn’t play for them anymore.  MY GOD, YOU SUCK!

Listen to me right now.  The leading passer in the league is Kyle Orton.  Not Peyton Manning, not Tom Brady, not Drew Brees, not Aaron Rodgers, but Kyle Orton.  How does that happen?!  Kyle Orton is a scrub on a scrub team with scrub receivers!  How can teams allow this crap to happen?!  BECAUSE THEY SUCKKKKK!!!!!  Kyle Orton got run out of Chicago.  Chicago, one of the crappiest sports teams in the league the past few years.  Kyle Orton wasn’t good enough for the crappiest, and all of a sudden, he is a stud.  I’ll tell you what, he isn’t a stud.  He sucks.  So does every other Quarterback in the NFL who is allowing this scrub be the leading passer.

There is something definitely wrong with the NFL this season.

This may actually be the year of the crappy batter.  “To be completely dominated by pitchers for 9 innings is inexcusable,” said Rays Manager Joe Maddon, “When we get no hit, I personally spank every player on our team.”

Stats are showing that ERA is lower, Wins are more prevalent, and Opponent Batting Average is down.  Couldn’t this also be attributed to just terrible hitters?  Why are pitchers getting all the credit?  Helping them achieve this new level of stardom is the worst hitters in the league, and I think pitchers should be thankful to the MLB for allowing such awful players into the league.  It will certainly make their pay checks larger, but what about the crappy hitters?

“We just go down to the minors,” said Orioles left fielder Nolan Reimold, “Yea, I started the year REALLY poorly, no one thanked me.  I never got a platinum watch from David Price.  The fact of the matter is, if I were a better player, I’d be able to hit every ball that came my way, but I’m not.  I think I should get some of the credit that goes along with this ‘Year of the pitcher’

Nolan Reimold deserves some credit for being a terrible baseball player

b.s.”

Reimold is right.  He should get some of the credit, and so should other crappy baseball players.  So this article goes out to you, crappy baseball players of America.  Pitchers should be

more thankful of your lack of effort and dismal swinging.  I know I am.

In the fourth quarter, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez threw a ball over the middle of the field to his trusted tight end when Ray Lewis laid a jarring, heart stopping, head popping hit on Dustin Keller.  He laid on the field motionless for a number of minutes before he was pronounced dead.

“Roger Goodell can talk about concussion proof helmets all he wants, letting that man (Ray Lewis) on the field is a hazard to everyone.” said Jets coach Rex Ryan, “It just isn’t safe.”

Immediately after the game charges were brought against Lewis, who has a murky history with allegations of murder.  Lewis was acquitted of the murder due to the fact that it was just a hazard of being on the same football field as Lewis.  These charges will surely renew the “Ray Lewis is a murderer” chants and signs from rival teams.  Lewis will not be suspended any games for the unfortunate event, but he has sent the Keller family a very nice fruit basket to apologize for the event.

After the game had ended players, coaches, assistants, and even owners gave what most people would call a “one finger salute.”  This puzzled and shocked quite a few fans and even more people in the media,  but I was the only one able to get to the bottom of this case.  In an interview I had after the game with Viking’s Quarterback Tavaris Jackson he admitted that this showing of the middle finger was definitely a showing of unity, but it had little to do with the bargaining agreement.

“Yea we all did that to let soccer fans know that WE play football, not them.  We just wanted to show that we are still the most popular sport in America and still own the rights to the term football.  So they all can go **** themselves,” Jackson said, “They know we’re better than them, and we know we are better, but this was just a united front to show that all REAL footballers are united against them.”

Tavaris Jackson hates soccer players

Jackson went on to mock several soccer players including Wayne Rooney who he described as a, “balding baboon.” Christiano Ronaldo was attacked as well being called “a school girl b**** with a lady mullet.”

“It is nice to know that even though there are rivalries in this game, and fierce competitions, and guys who hate each other, it is nice to know we all have that punching bag to go after.  It’s those ******* ***** ************** soccer players.”

“Yea it is sad playing the Orioles,” said newly acquired Angels pitcher Dan Haren, “Whenever we come to play them there are like 120 people in the crowd and 85 of them are Angels fans.  I remember when I last pitched against them, I was just throwing a 65 mile per hour fastball, and they still had a hard time hitting it, it was really sad.”

Oriole fans will take the victories they can get.  Teams pitying baseball’s basement dwellers will feel the wrath of the mighty Oriole bats!  Players seen crying in the dugout have instilled the sympathy the Orioles have been looking for from other teams who constantly beat down on them.  While they did win in the month of August, the 17-11 record they posted still isn’t anything to get excited about.

“I don’t know why these people are getting so excited about us winning in the month of August.  There are so many other months in the baseball season!  162 games!  We have won a total of 45 out of the 120-something games that we’ve already played.  160 games divided by 30 is like 5 months of baseball, and we won during 1 month.  We didn’t even like dominate, we went 17-11.  That is nothing.” said Orioles reliever Koji Uehara (spoken through a translator)

While this shows that the Orioles are making progress in changing their losing ways…wait…we are still in the AL East?  And every team in our division has a winning record except us?  Really?  Well what about in August?  They all posted winning records in August?  So what are we excited about?

“We get paid the least to do the most work.  Look at the stats, 99% of players in the MLB are Latino.  Who is helping them?  No one!  We are being paid less than minimum wage!  How can we send our families in the home country some money?  Even though some of us have smuggled our family members into America by piling all of them in one car, it still isn’t enough money!  I can’t tell you how many times my players have been trying to receive their Cuban cigars and the MLB won’t let them have them!  It is just ridiculous.  Whenever I take my players out for Taco night, the MLB won’t comp the bill, and if white players happen to be in the same restaurant they tell us Latinos to get back in the kitchen and bus their tables and other nonsense.  I will not stand for this anymore, Latinos have been oppressed for too long now!”

Guillen is taking heat mostly for the, “get back in the kitchen” comment he made.  Feminist groups are outraged that a man in Guillen’s position would say such a thing, even though the stereotype wasn’t directed at them.  No one really cared much about the points he made about Latino players though, as long as they keep hitting dingers, all is well in baseball.

In a very disappointing display of disrespect for the perfect game,  the first batter Mike Minor faced, Michael Bourn, singled to left.  In such a disappointing display of batting, Bourn defiantly spoiled what could have potentially made Mike Minor’s career.

“I had a good game going, no hits, no runs, no nothing.  Then this douche bag comes up to the plate and takes my perfect game and spits on it!” Minor said,  “I just wish I could have that pitch back, because I know once I got past Bourn, I was going to throw another 8 2/3 innings of perfect ball.”

Bobby Cox was particularly disappointed in Bourn, the Center fielder for the Houston Astros.  Once Bourn took that swing, Cox erupted in the dugout.  Then Cox got in Bourn’s face, and tore him a new one.  It almost seemed as if Cox grew in size and became stiffer than he had ever been once he saw the play unfold.  Heh, Cox.

Michael Bourn had this to offer in his post game interview when he was told that he had ruined Mike Minor’s perfect game, “Sorry?”

Fantasy Football is upon us

With Football season upon us, another season of Fantasy Football is right around the corner.  To aid you in your fantasy draft I have compiled my soon to be annual season rankings and advice on all of those burning fantasy questions so that you can finally take the crown in your league and gain the bragging rights around the office that you have been craving.

Gorloft the Destroyer is a solid fantasy option

First we will evaluate the Quarterback position.  Now I know what you are all thinking and let me just tell you to hold on tight because my ranking for the number one Quarterback this season is quite surprising.  This season in fantasy football I believe (and you can hold me to this) Gorloft the Destroyer will be your number one fantasy option.  I know, I know, “Gorloft the Destoryer?” you say.  Well let me tell you this little statistic to hopefully change your minds.  In the past 3 years no one has more Yards per Completion, Yards per Attempt, and Touchdowns in the Red Zone than Gorloft the Destroyer.  I know most preseason rankings have Ziffyl of Walderon as their number one fantasy Quarterback, but I am down on him this year due to the recent injuries to his receiving corps.  So your number one fantasy option at Quarterback is Gorloft the Destroyer.

Conventional wisdom tells us that you should draft a running back first in your fantasy league.  My advice for you this year is to grab a hold of Perri Winkle the unicorn for your running back.  Perri Winkle finally assumes the role of the featured back, and I believe he will be a fantasy stud (literally and

Perri Winkle looks to be your fantasy running back

figuratively).  With his offensive line re-vamped, Perri Winkle should have nothing short of a 1,400 yard/12 TD season.  Plus Perri Winkle is a trueworkhorse (again, literally and figuratively) in the red zone.  In the past 2 years, no other back has gotten more touches in the red zone than this fantasy beast (literally and…I think you get it).

These are my predictions for this year’s fantasy campaign.  Good luck with your fantasy team and heed my advice and I’m sure that you will earn that fantasy championship that means nothing in no time.

“We saw some things in his mechanics that were a little off, so we decided it would be best for [Chris] Tillman to work out these issues back in college,” said Norfolk Tides coach Mike Griffin.  “He was having problems with his command, and just wasn’t throwing strikes when he needed to.  I have the utmost respect for him, he is taking this demotion like a man.”

Tillman had this to say about his recent move back to the college baseball ranks, “I’m excited to get back to college.  I knew my stuff wasn’t as good as it could be, hopefully I’ll get back to the basics in college ball, and be back up to the big leagues in no time.”

The demotion back to college ball is unfortunate for Tillman, once considered a top prospect in the Oriole’s farm system, and he faces a daunting task if he intends to make it back to the Major League club.  If Tillman is to falter in the collegiate baseball program, there is a possibility that he could be sent back to high school.

You won't like me when I'm angry...or doing my stand up act.

In an attempt to copy the Yankee business model the Baltimore Orioles have invited the prop comic Carrot Top to drunkenly stumble into their clubhouse in order to gain national attention.  “Yea we thought it was a great idea, our team colors are orange and black, his hair is orange and his soul is black.” said Orioles owner Peter Angelos.  The plan backfired though when Carrot Top became angry due to his frequent steroid use and started tearing apart the clubhouse.

“It was scary.  I’ve seen his stand up and thought that was scary, but THIS was scary.” said Oriole catcher Matt Wieters.  “I don’t know what kind of stuff that guy is on…but we could use some.”

Notable Carrot Top fan Cla Meredith became so afraid that he designated himself for assignment.  “If this is how the Orioles are trying to gain national fame, I want no part of it.”  Carrot Top proceeded to hunt Meredith down and tear him in half, eating his torso while feeding wolf young-lings  the rest of his body.

“You know its going to happen.” said the statistician who charged Millwood with his ninth loss.  “He averages like 0.4 runs in support when he starts for the Orioles, I think he understands where we are coming from.”

“Oh yea, I totally understand where they are coming from.” said Millwood when asked if he understood what had happened.  “I guess I kind of walked into this one when I signed with the Orioles, I don’t expect anything less.  I mean [Jake] Arrieta has already won more games than I have, and he has pitched 2 Major League games.  How could I argue with this decision?”

In a similar story, Orioles pitcher Chris Tillman has preemptively been charged with 8 earned runs before he steps on the mound next.

A source close to players in the NFL told me, “Strip clubs always prove to provide the most excitement.  Remember when Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones had some trouble in a strip club a few years ago?  He was a nobody before then, that incident launched him into stardom!”  I then questioned this source as to why strip clubs provide the most excitement for these NFL superstars, “Are you serious?” he said, “Have you ever been to a strip club?”  When I told him I hadn’t he immediately took me to one.  I must agree, that there is definitely some scandalous behavior going on inside these buildings.  But with these recent strings of incidents involving strip clubs, I was forced to wonder where else NFL stars liked to wreak havoc.

“I do my business in the streets,” Baltimore Raven’s wide receiver Donte Stallworth said, “that way when I’m done, I can just speed off and no one would even know I was there.”  Former Saint Louis Ram Leonard Little agrees, “Behind the wheel of a car is the best place to do stuff like that, I don’t know why these guys are always hanging out in strip clubs, I make millions of dollars, I don’t need to pay women to take their clothes off.”

“I like to do it anywhere, just as long as the girls are young and willing…Hell, I can even get around the ‘willing’ part, what is ‘willing’ anyways?” said one source who totally is not Ben Roethlisbeger.

So to all you NFL stars, If you are looking to engage in some shady behavior, the chic new place to do it is a strip club.  I’ll see you there.

“What I love most about the World Cup is the games that end in 0-0 ties,” one fan stated, “I find it wildly entertaining when these superior athletes work their butts off for an hour and a half to two hours and have nothing to show for it.  That is what soccer is all about.”

I asked one fan who his favorite player in the sport is, “Gordan…I mean David Beckham.”  Of course, David Beckham is not playing in this year’s World Cup.  When I informed this man about Beckham’s absence from this year’s World Cup I was met with 5 minutes of stunned silence.  When I asked who the man’s favorite current World Cup player was, he uttered, “Pele?”

“It makes me feel cultured, football is the world’s most popular sport you know!” said one enthusiastic man sporting a Ronaldo Brazil jersey from 1998 (side note: to avid soccer fans, football = soccer).  When I asked this man which country he would be rooting for in the 2010 World Cup he replied, “Croatia.”  I found this odd, so I followed up and asked him, why Croatia?  He replied, “I don’t know, I just picked a country at random and Croatia has some pretty cool uniforms, so I thought ‘What the hell?’”

Soccer will take the world by storm in the next few weeks, but rest assured that after the World Cup is over things will return to normal.  For the next few weeks though…courage.

ESPN Analyst Buster Olney says this of Strasburg, “OMG! I <3 STEPHENNNN WOOOO!!!!!11!!”  This unexpected “<3″ for Strasburg has become infectious across the baseball media outlets, spreading faster than Paris Hilton’s legs.  Tim Kurkjian states, “STRASBURG RULZZZ!!!!!!!”  Never have there been so many exclamation points in any ESPN analyst’s articles, posts, or conversations.  John Kruk simply said this of Strasburg, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and then promptly jizzed his pants.

In other baseball news…some teams played some games, some won and some lost.  WHO CARES?!?! STEPHEN STRASBURG IS PITCHING TOMORROW!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3