After receiving the message, Favre called an impromptu press conference in order to secure the top story on SportsCenter at 11PM.  The pic message was received at 7:52PM EST, after the 6PM SportsCenter had already aired.

Favre gives Roethlisberger's "slot reciever" a thumbs up.

Favre told reporters that Roethlisberger sent him a pic of his “slot receiver”.

“He called it his ‘slot receiver’.  He said it’s the one that always gets him in trouble on and off the field, causes him to make stupid mistakes.  And I can relate to that and appreciate it.  He understands what I’m going through.  Penis drama can be tough to deal with.  It’s even starting to affect my elbow.”

Favre also made clear the details of the graphic pic message.

“I will say this—it was obvious that Ben’s not a Wrangler man! And his nickname, “Big Ben,” isn’t exactly accurate…if ya know what I’m sayin’!”

Roethlisberger was unavailable for comment, but his agent commented that Ben just wanted to “offer his manhood in support of Brett’s manhood.”  He also said Roethlisberger is considering playing his first game back from suspension vs. Cleveland with no pants to really show his support.

Sources from the Ohio St. athletic department say that Brutus was out on his weekly journey deep in the woods of central Ohio collecting buckeye leaves to be melted down and made into helmet stickers for the #2 Buckeyes.

“I’m speechless,” said head coach Jim Tressel, clearly distraught.  “What are odds?  That’s like me not wearing a sweater vest on game day, or us beating an SEC team in a bowl game.  It just doesn’t happen!”

The bobcat initially thought he was the victor after his kill then suddenly collapsed and died at the scene.  He apparently died from eating Brutus’ poisonous head.  Stupid bobcat.

“We finally decided that a more reliable source of lighting was needed,” said Michigan AD David Brandon.  “Most of our fans who help us out with the lighting drive padiddles, so the lighting pattern’s all scattered and it’s huge mess!—and it hurts my eyes.”

“Also, since we’re not really that good and kinda irrelevant, we think playing some night games might help.  That seems to be popular among the good teams these days,” added Brandon, pointing out more advantages to having lights. “Oh, and it’s the 21^st century^.”

113,000, lights, 120 hour practice weeks...

Coach Rich Rodriguez was excited to hear about the stadium getting lights.  He now hopes to hold practices well into night.  Rodriguez is setting the team’s goals high by aiming for a 120 practice week and committing other discreet NCAA violations.

“We’ll definitely have a bigger home field advantage now that we can cram and pull all-nighters Friday night before home games,” said Rodriguez.

Committing the violations does not seem to be of concern to the administration.

The AD remarked on the coach’s plans. “We have made every effort to be as transparent as possible — to do this under the lights. We’ve made some necessary improvements, and now we are eager to move forward.”

“Hey, I got a free trip to Seattle for the hearings over the last set of violations!”  Rodriguez was clearly excited about traveling outside Ann Arbor and into the civilized world.

“They have this great coffee place out there called Starbucks.  You ever hear of these?  We don’t have them in West Virginia or Ann Arbor.  Hell, we’re just getting lights in Ann Arbor!”

The University has said that it may also look into adding plumbing in 2012 to handle the constant overflow of shit from fans, players, coaches, and refs, at the Big House.

1. Calvin Johnson not making the game-winning TD catch is unacceptable.  And don’t go blaming the NFL and their rules.  We all remember growing up playing backyard football and a TD catch only counted if you caught the ball, had two feet in, all body parts on the ground, stopped rolling, got up, kicked off, and made the tackle.  These are basic rules people.
2. The Patriots smoked the Bengals.  What happened?  T.O. and Ochocinco thought the game was being filmed for their reality show and they could go back and edit it later.  Unfortunately for the duo, the Patriots were doing the filming and destroyed the tapes.
3. The Texans had a HUGE game vs. the Colts.  The last team to beat the Colts won the Super Bowl.  Congratulations, Houston Texans, Super Bowl XLV champions.  Is anyone else offended by the fact the Texans’ star RB is a neo-nazi?
4. The Steelers won their first game minus their never-convicted-of-a-crime QB, Ben Roethlisberger.  Big Ben is an afterthought to fans as the season begins.  Limited edition Dennis Dixon jerseys are flying off the shelves in Pittsburgh.
5. Tim Tebow made his grand debut in his hometown, Jacksonville, although he was playing for the visiting Broncos.  Tebow…hold on, I’m getting really excited about writing this… …. … Ok.  Tebow gained 2 yds on 2 carries in his debut!!!  He is on pace to break the 100 yd mark in Week 2, 2013!
6. Titans 38-Raiders 13.  The Raiders still suck.  Terrible.  More interesting than the game however, an opossum was caught in the stadium after the game.  Stadium staff thought it was Al Davis until they realized it wasn’t dead.
7. Kevin Corn-on-the-Kolb is following in McNabb’s footsteps nicely by getting hurt Week 1.  He has concussion and now has to pass a bunch of tests to play again.  Any Reid hopes they’re not reading comprehension tests.  He “can’t remember anything he reads, including defenses”, says Reid.  Meanwhile, dog-friendly Mike Vick (Vick dog jokes will never get old) is the Eagles starter, proving Andy Reid is the fattest genius, EVER!
8. Despite the huge win for the Redskins, Albert Haynesworth was still pissed about his role as backup nose tackle so he stepped on Mike Shanahan’s head.
9. The Cowboys lost.  I would write more but Alex Barron is holding me.
10. Joe Flacco led the new, shiny Ravens offense into the New Meadowlands, hogged the ball for 38 minutes, yet only put up 10 points.  How did they pull out the W?  Rex Ryan:  “Mark Sanchez F—–G sucks!“

A Saints cheerleader smiles as Harry Connick, Jr. shows everyone that the thing hanging out of his pants is about, “this long”, but the lady in black thinks she sees one longer in the upper deck. Meanwhile, no one notices the Saints are being presented with the largest trophy in sports history.

Unlike the Minnesota Vikings’ boring-ass, run of the mill, traditional sex cruise, Roethlisberger’s sex cruise will be offering surprising and exciting features for the fans.

Equipped with their flotation devices, these girls are ready for Big Ben's sex cruise.

Starting four hours prior to kickoff, Roethlisberger, with reckless abandon, will make his way through the Heinz Field parking lots looking for tailgaters who are visibly intoxicated.  Roethlisberger will then have his “cruise crew” apprehend the lucky fan and escort them down to the bank of the river outside gate A where they will be ordered to strip naked and forced to board the ship.

Once forced aboard the ship, Capt. Roethlisberger will be offering unlimited shots and will lead the cruisers in a variety of boat games such as, “Inflate the Dinghy” and “Ride the Vessel.”  Roethlisberger will provide all cruisers with the dinghy and the vessel whether they want one or not.  Capt. Roethlisberger only requests that cruisers bring their own “flotation devices”.

Roethlisberger said because he has “more experience,” he believes his sex cruise will be more of a success than the Vikings’ cruise in 2005.

Tommy John thru Dr. Strasburg's eyes--as easy as 1-2-3.

The one and only, Stephen James Strasburg, is scheduled to complete a first in Major League Baseball and modern medicine on Friday.  Strasburg is going to successfully perform Tommy John surgery on himself to repair his elbow.  (Typically, we would say Strasburg would be “attempting” the surgery, but it is a foregone conclusion that it will be successful.)

“We were waiting for the perfect injury to happen to Stephen to reveal that he was also valedictorian at San Diego State’s world-renowned medical school and an accomplished surgeon,” said Nationals GM, Mike Rizzo, touting Strasburg’s other talents that made him the #1 overall pick in the ’09 draft.  “Oh, and he prefers being called ‘Doctor.’”

Dr. Strasburg recently performed Tommy John on his cat’s hind legs, as a warm up surgery, and the results were favorable.  After the procedure, Strasburg clocked the cat at 127mph and it is now the fastest land animal on the planet.

Dr. Strasburg’s surgery will be performed in Los Angeles on Friday, September 3, at 11am, and about a dozen standing room only tickets remain.  Tickets are $500 co-pay with insurance and $3,700 without insurance.

The crowd begins to gather outside the hospital in LA waiting to witness history.

The Nationals have already set Dr. Strasburg’s recovery timetable by placing him on the 60-day disabled list.  “Because that’s all the time he’ll need,” said Rizzo, in anticipation of Strasburg becoming the fastest-recoverer from Tommy John surgery of all-time.

On Saturday, the Nationals and Dr. Strasburg will hold a press conference to officially announce that Tommy John surgery will be renamed Stephen James surgery.

Some sources say Avery was too jazzed up for the preseason game when he got word that bodog.com had the Rams as 150/1 favorite to win Super Bowl XLV.

“Yeah, it was a lot of pressure for some the guys,” said head coach Steve Spagnola.  “We had the A/V Club from Lindenwood University, our training camp facility, show up for the game and some of these guys are still adjusting to attention of the national media after hearing about the odds.  Donnie was just trying to do what he does, make plays, put on a clinic.”

Donny Baseball (above), Donnie Basketball (below)...you decide.

“I mean, yeah, when you lose a guy like Donnie,” added Avery’s average teammate, running back Steven Jackson, “it’s tough on all of us.  We were gonna do big things, man.”

“I remember Week 2 last year against Washington when he had 1 catch for 4 yds and fumbled in the 4^th to kill the drive at the 5,” Jackson said, reiterating Avery’s play making ability.  “That’s why he’s our game-changer.  “Donnie Football”, baby!  It’s just unfortunate he won’t get opportunities like that again this year.”

A member of the Rams front office told reporters that when new majority owner, Stan Kroenke, heard that they call Avery ‘Donnie Football’, he became hell-bent on getting his hands  the team.  When asked about securing a majority stake in the Rams, Kroneke said, “It’s like owning the Yankees.”

Referring to what he thinks as his striking resemblance to the original “Donnie” of sport, “Donny Baseball”, Yankees great Don Mattingly, and his ownership of the NBA’s Denver Nuggets, “C’mon…Look at me!– Look at me!  They don’t call me ‘Donnie Basketball’ for nothing!” said Kroenke.

It was clear, despite Avery’s ACL, Kroenke remains optimistic about the Rams’ season.

Trent Edwards looking downfield wondering why his reciever is running across the midle waving his hand.

A group of unruly teenage hecklers were enough of a distraction at the Buffalo Bills practice yesterday that they caught the attention of new head coach, Chan Gailey.  After practice, Gailey took it upon himself to approach the group of heckling teens and teach them a life lesson.

Gailey told the kids, “If you dog one of us, you dog all of us.  Remember, you should treat others the way you want to be treated. You should be nice.” The coach was taking a stand for his lousy quarterback, Trent Edwards, whom the kids had specifically targeted.

Showing no mercy for the journeyman head coach, the teenagers disregarded Gailey and began heckling him.

“Shut up! Fran Gai-ley!  We’re not the ones who went 6-10,” shouted one of the teens, followed by more shots at Edwards.  “Was your boy, Trent, the quarterback or the mascot at Stanford?  Because he stands there like a f—– tree with a stupid smile on his face!”

Gailey attempted to continue to sternly lecture the kids but the verbal abuse did not cease as he was constantly interrupted.

“Your Danny Tanner lecture inspires me about as much as your playbook inspires your offense!  If we follow your life lessons maybe we’ll come up short of our goals, too, and have to settle for another goddamn field goal!”

Shortly after the confrontation between Gailey and the teens, a source close to the Jets indicated that Rex Ryan may have interest in adding a few of the teenage hecklers to his staff.

Even innocent bystanders felt the force of the tsunami of horniness that consumed Mickelson.

“An overwhelming wave of horniness just came over me,” said Mickelson as he described what it felt like to essentially become Tiger Woods.

“I grabbed the first hottie I saw and told her, ‘They call me Lefty and I know how to play my hook.’”  Caught up in his sudden sex craze, Mickelson was not shy about fluffing up the grass for the perfect lay with the hottie, right then and there, as the boisterous practice round crowd started chanting, “Phil, Phil, Phil.”

“Omigod, like it was totally Phil Mickelson!” the enthused hottie, a cocktail waitress at nearby Potawatomi Casino in Milwaukee, explained.  “He definitely drove the green and holed out [giggling].”

Tiger weighed in on having his top dog status trumped by Mickelson.  “I know I haven’t been on top of my game lately.  That’s why I’ve brought some people in to help with how I swing.  Or maybe I need new equipment?  I’ve been using the same stuff for years and it’s all pretty worn out.  Like, you know, shafts don’t last forever. “

“It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of blowing off your kids to practice on your game,” admitted Woods.  “I think it’s great for Phil.  He’ll have the opportunity now to wreck his car while sexting and get beaten by his wife with his 9 iron. “

As an added bonus, if Mickelson finishes ahead Tiger at the Championship and overtakes him as the #1 golfer in the world, he will certainly be checking into a shady sex rehab facility in Mississippi.

Alvarez unaware and unconcerned about his HR's mind blowing consequences.

In an under reported story, Pittsburgh Pirates radio color commentator, Steve Blass, had his mind blown Saturday night when the Pirates’ rookie phenom, Pedro Alvarez, hit a walk off homerun to defeat the Colorado Rockies, 8-7.

As the ball left Alvarez’s bat on an 0-1 pitch, Blass’ mind blew out of his head and he began screaming, “Oh my God, Oh my God”.

“I couldn’t believe it!  His mind blew out of his head –then there was some yelling and screaming, he whistled–I’m still not sure how he did that?—some laughing, then he started asking the Lord to save us, and something about a Mrs. McDavis, I don’t know?   It was crazy.” said Blass’ broadcast partner, Greg Brown, as he described the unprecedented turn of events.

The excitement in the booth at PNC Park that night was understandable as the Pirates racked up their 39 win of the season and pulled within 24 games of the division-leading Reds.

Blass even managed to give his opinion that the game was one of the most dramatic in the 10 year history of PNC Park.   However, Brown didn’t completely agree.  “I’ll give him dramatic, but what I saw was definitely the most traumatic thing in PNC history.”

Listen to the mind blowing account, click here.

“I’m looking forward to it,” an excited Burress said.  “I don’t think people realize there’s proper technique to smuggling a gun into a club in your sweatpants.”

“I think it’s fantastic that he wants to give back to the community,” added Sgt. Vince Contorti of the NYPD.  “There’s a lot of gun tottin’ idiots out there, ya know.  If we can at least teach some of those yahoos to properly shoot themselves, instead of Joe Blow, it’s a win-win.”

Demos will held once a month to allow for recovery time between self-inflicted gun shot wounds.

Burress continued to describe his plans for the demonstrations.  “It doesn’t always have to be in the leg, either.  I got tips on how to fire shots into your arm, foot, just graze a shoulder.”

Sgt. Contori made it clear that Burress’ demonstrations would not being teaching or encouraging any methods for delivering fatal shots, saying that would be “reckless”.

“Ya know when ya hear about the kids that accidentally shoot and kill there brother, or sister, or friend; we’re just trying to make that a more fortunate situation,” remarked the sergeant, expressing his concern.  “So when ya turn on the news ya hear, ‘7 year old shoots himself in the leg,’ instead of someone really getting hurt.  That’s what this is really all about.”

As added incentive to move forward with the program, Sgt. Contori said it would be “f—–’ awesome” to work with Plex, and in turn, Burress mentioned he would enjoy the opportunity to wear one of those NYPD hats during the demonstrations.

A co-worker makes clear to Matsko that his shirt is peach, not orange.

An honest, yet costly, mistake was made by a Chicago Blackhawk intern yesterday.  Gordon Matsko (Jr. Business Mgmt.), an intern working in the Blackhawks front office this summer, accidently faxed the wrong form to NHL offices and as a result, the team had to part ways with their Stanley Cup winning goalie, Antti Niemi.  The faux pas has now fueled a heated back-and-forth between the intern and the GM.

“Idiot!  What the hell’s wrong with that kid?” shouted Blackhawks GM, Stan Bowman, when told about the intern’s mishap.

“He [Bowman] told me to fax the goldenrod form and I accidently sent the regular gold one—my bad!” said Matsko, as he was quick to defend himself.  “Who the hell knows what color goldenrod is?”

“That’s some education he’s getting at Northwestern.  Maybe Gordo should look into an elementary art elective.”  Bowman shot back at the intern.  “Goldenrod clearly has more of an orange-ish hue.  Maybe daddy should buy him a color wheel!”

“Now he’s just getting carried away and blowing this thing waaay out of proportion!”  The intern continued to hold his ground against the GM.  “Niemi and the Hawks aren’t exactly Cup collectors.  He [Niemi] comes in here for one season and wins the first Cup in like, 50 freakin’ years—Yay!  Dude [Bowman] needs to chill out.”

“I’ll just have to look into how I can jeopardize the kid’s future, now.  Make some phone calls,” said Bowman as he became vengeful.  “He might want to figure out which shade of gold the Golden Arches are…if ya know what I’m sayin’?”

Members of the Blackhawks front office reassuring Matsko it's ok, we all make mistakes.

“This is getting tough now,” admitted Matsko as the intern was becoming distraught.  “I can’t even walk down the hall without somebody reaching out and rubbing a stank-ass glove in my face or slashing me in the shins.  Some douchbag got me with a high stick above the eye and I had to get 22 stitches last night.  Oh, and when I was in the bathroom, one player thought it was real funny when he cross-checked me in the back while I was pissin’.”

“I don’t see any problem with it,” claimed Bowman as he justified the fallout from Matsko’s mistake.  “The punishment fits the crime.”

He'll fall over in that chair when he sees his Luxury tax bill.

In the wake of George Steinbrenner’s death, well, actually after the wake (in or during the wake would be inappropriate), the Steinbrenner kin have decided to sell the Yankee franchise for an absurd amount of money.

The buyer:  Monopoly tycoon, Rich Uncle Pennybags.  The details of the sale are slowly emerging.  So far it is being reported that Pennybags paid at least two full banks worth of money for the team.  Payment was made in cash, in denominations ranging from $1-$500 bills, IOUs, some pennies, and some are saying that Pennybags even got to keep the bowl of pretzels from the negotiating table.  It is believed that the transaction took over three days to complete.  One source indicated that the Yankee brass got exhausted and bored, and said, “The hell with it, just take everything!”   The deal will be finalized shortly, as long as there is not a bank error in the Yankees favor.

As the new dictator over the Evil Empire, Rich Uncle Pennybags has some changes he will be implementing, immediately, in preparation for the playoff push.

His first order of business is very fan-friendly–all stadium lots, FREE PARKING.  Secondly, Pennybags will be placing Community Chests at each gate for fans to make donations because apparently, he needs more money.  Also, the new Boss has reportedly paid the NYC Transit Authority to rename the subway lines that come into Yankee Stadium, the Reading Line, Pennsylvania Line, B&O Line, and Short Line.

Mr. Pennybags will also be making some roster moves and bringing in some of his own pieces.  There a four notable moves that have been confirmed.

• Dog will be taking over in left field.  “I’m here to replace Manny,” said Dog.  When told that Manny doesn’t play for the Yankees, Dog just lifted his leg and peed.

What a jerk!

• The new right fielder has a cannon for an arm, minus the arm.  The Cannon will put an end to anyone trying to stretch a single into double unless they want to be taken out by a cannonball as they round first.

• The best utility infielder money can buy will play a large role coming off the bench.  Wheel Barrow is exceptional in the field, he pivots flawlessly.  As an added bonus, he is meticulous, almost anal, about keeping the infield dirt in order throughout the game, replacing divots every time a ball hits dirt.

• Mariano Rivera’s done, too.  Pennybags is bringing in Iron to resume closing duties.  Iron brings so much heat his ball stems on the way to plate.  Plus, he’s been getting out of wrinkly situations since 1882, he’s proven.

And finally, as incentive for all players on the roster, Pennybags will award a player an additional $200 every time they cross home plate.

With the board set, Pennybags should have no problem sitting up in his box, with his stupid top hat, skipping and dancing, making a mockery of the rest of the league.

Look at that surgically repaired knee provide a silky smooth shooting motion.

The Chicago Bulls set two prerequisites for free-agent, Tracy McGrady, to pass their evaluation and be offered a contract for the 2010-11 season.  McGrady had been asked to complete Anatomy 101: Head, Shoulders, Knees, And Toes, to help the Bulls staff identify and evaluate his laundry list of injuries, and Career Development 405: Know Your Role-7 Habits of Highly Effective Role Players (and Getting Comfortable on the Bench), in preparation to fill a role coming off the bench.

During the evaluation, the well traveled, 13-year vet, 7-time All-Star, 2-time scoring champ, over injured, 31 year old hanger-on, failed to impress the Bulls staff.  It became clear that McGrady had not passed the Anatomy 101 course when he was asked about the microfracture surgery on his knee and he grabbed his right elbow and replied, “It hasn’t really affected my shooting motion.”  McGrady added that if everything goes according to plan, he will break a hip this season.

McGrady was continually violating habit #3 of being a highly effective role player, “Be Seen, Not Heard”, by complaining about the literal bench Chicago was offering.  McGrady had earlier stated that he would have liked to join the Three Amigos (LeBron, D-Wade, Bosh) in Miami where they provide a top of the line, quality, pine bench.  He complained about the Bulls bench being only a collection of “broke ass folding chairs”, and worse off, “the kind that make your butt ache.”

The former star then pleaded his case one more time pointing to his 9 points/24 minutes in 30 games with the Knicks last season, apparently not realizing he was citing time that he spent playing for the Knicks.

After the Bulls staff regained themselves from McGrady’s Knick joke, one Bulls staffer said they may look to follow the Clippers lead.  The Clippers had workout McGrady earlier and passed, opting to resign “Casual” Rasual Butler.  The staffer was overheard saying, “Where can we get a Rasual Butler?”