The new venture is expected to be called ESPN-ESPN.

Just as the city-specific sites focus on teams and stories pertaining to that region, ESPN-ESPN will feature stories about ESPN personalities and ESPN programming, as well as highlights of highlights.

Fans of the omnipresent sports conglomerate can look forward to not just simply reading columns by the Sports Guy Bill Simmons on the main site, but features on ESPN-ESPN about Bill Simmons, explanations of all of his pop culture references, and flow charts connecting his buddy House to his other buddy Jacko. There will be video games where you can take the Simmons family dog for a virtual walk after your favorite team suffers a stomach-punch loss.

Who Woulda Thunk It Would Come To All This?

The ESPN-ESPN website is expected to publish box scores comparing the number of stories first reported by Adam Schefter vs. those broken by Chris Mortensen.

ESPN-ESPN.com will feature an online education portal where Professor John Clayton will host a variety of webinar lectures. While there was some considerable initial buzz in the blogosphere about an alleged “Erin Andrews Cam,” it turns out that there will be an Erin Cam, but only one of the G-rated variety that will just show fans how much behind-the-scenes work goes into her reports. Rick Reilly will also mail some stuff in.

Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, of the popular ESPN Radio show “Mike and Mike in the Morning,” both agree that ESPN-ESPN will be fantastic.

And oh-by-the-way, Chris Berman will have his own page on ESPN-ESPN chronicling all his played-out puns and nicknames. But who knows, he’s always circling the wagons so perhaps he’ll get his own network called ESPN-BOOM.

The accidental deal, similar in scope to AOL’s recent $315 million buyout of the Huffington Post, is expected to shake conventional wisdom of how print journalism can be profitable in a digital world.

It’s ironic that after Snyder and his people warned that his frivolous lawsuit would be too expensive for Atalaya Capital Management (owner of Creative Loafing Inc., the parent company of Washington City Paper) to defend, the explosion of web traffic provided the exact financial boon they needed to do just that.

As the NFL looks to spend an offseason in a lockout while figuring out how to divide their billions, and sports journalism continues to be strangled by new media conglomerates, Snyder could find himself with strange bedfellows in the newly powerful City Paper, now valued at $263 million thanks to the attention from Snyder’s suit.

When reached for comment, an unnamed City Paper official said their most recent contact from Snyder’s camp came when “someone called us but it turned out they were just hoping we’d buy a luxury box now that we’re such heavy hitters. We bought two.”

Sponsored by Land O’Frost, a lunch meat company you’ve never heard of… and let’s face it we probably shouldn’t be eating sketchy sliced meats from people we don’t know, the contest offers fans a grand prize of half-priced rooms at the Sheraton Canton (including continental breakfast), parking passes to be near some of the action, and a chance to take photos outside of the Pro Football Hall of Fame Museum itself.

The league and the mystery meat manufacturer are sparing no expense for this once-in-a-lifetime experience as winners will also eat free at B & Mary’s Classic Diner on legendary Tuscarawas Street.

The lucky fans will then be ushered via shuttle bus to the site of this years festivities where they will watch on a big screen outside the venue as Marshall Faulk, Shannon Sharpe, Richard Dent, Deion Sanders, Ed Sabol, Les Richter and Chris Hanburger are inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Folding chairs will probably be provided.

For the annual Hall of Fame game that kicks off the pre-season, winners might just find a local sports bar or an Applebee’s with a good TV.

See http://landofrost.com for more details and keep in mind that a lock out or delayed schedule will likely screw this whole thing up for the winners, so don’t get your hopes up even if you do win this contest.

With Brett Favre struggling and looking old and grizzly, we turned to another grizzled old bearded guy and had Bob Seger re-write one of his classic tunes to honor what might be the beginning of the end for ol’ number 4.

STILL THE SAME

You used to win, every time you placed a bet
Now you ain’t no good
Why won’t you retire, Brett
Every time you were sure the pass was caught
That back was quicker than you thought
You just hold your arm and walk

You always said
Your arm would never do you wrong
The trick you said
Was never play the game too long
A gamblin’ man
There’s no risk that you won’t take
The only loss you could forsake
Another injury you can fake

And you’re still the same
Thought you’d retired yesterday
Still starting game to game
No one dares get in your way
Turning on the charm
Running down to celebrate
Til the game is getting late
And you throw high

There you stood
Everybody watched the play
You just turned and walked away
There’s nothing left to say
‘Cause you’re still the same
You’re still the same
A star to ESPN
Some things never change
Why don’t you text Jenn

As of now, the contributions made by the Denver Broncos rookie Tim Tebow and his fellow running backs have been underwhelming. According to a close friend and former teammate of Tim Tebow’s, their production is about to skyrocket.

“From what Tim’s told me, things have been rough so far.  You know–getting the playbook. But now he’s telling me he’s got it.” Says a former glossy haired Florida receiver.

“We still keep in touch, and from what he’s said, he’s all exicted about this ‘Mildcat’ thing.” The dreamy eyed informant continued, “I’m really excited for the guy. He’s saying they’re gonna put Orton in the slot, Brady Quinn in the backfield, him getting the snap. Man, that’s a lot of mediocre arm strength on the field at once.”

Currently the Broncos are last in the NFL in rushing offense, but if Tebow’s confidence is any indication, their running game will be a thing to watch. It is speculated that Laurence Maroney was traded for so-as-to pair with Knowshon Moreno in the backfield in this Mildcat set.

Coach John McDaniels had this to say about their aquisition of Maroney, “While Knowshon is injured we were looking to sign someone to carry the load. And even when Knowshon is ready to come back, we like Maroney’s skill set. Knowshon has a little bit of that ‘burst’ you look for in a back. Maroney is a different kind of back, he’s more of a “slow as dirt” type runner. We’ll be able to put up some interesting packages.”

It is difficult to imagine how opposing coaches will be able to match the raw athletic ability of players like Brady Quinn and Laurence Maroney. If the players on defense aren’t sleeping, or texting or doing something else distracting, this Broncos offense could run right by them.

In recognition of the popularity of All You Can Eat sections in their ballparks, the MLB has some changes in mind.  Because AYCE seats are a cost effective method for filling perennially empty seats, they are going to remodel to cater to those spectators.

“If you figure how much time and effort it costs to actually improve the team…  Well, it’s a bargain to get a guy in for $40 and feed him til he pukes.”

To accommodate the AYCE crowd – the fastest growing segment of fans who travel to the ballpark to watch the game live – MLB is going to install tray tables with soft drink dispensers at each seat.  The tray tables will be metal and have pre-shaped sections for each type of food.  The soft drinks will be delivered via a tube that the fan can just suck on as if it were a hose.  With these two amenities in place, fans won’t have to balance their haul on their knees any more.  They can also have more food at their seats at any given time – and they won’t have to waste their time hauling soft drinks.  There are also plans to deliver beer in this way but a shut off system is being investigated.

“Overfeeding fans is one thing because we have no liability.  Serving drinks once they reach the legal limit is a whole other thing,” said the director of food service at a major market park.  ”We’re trying to make money here.  Not think of ways to give it away!”

To be sure obese fans find all seats accessible, MLB announced it will levy fines on teams that don’t remove the steps to each section and replace them with ramps.  The ramps will make it easier for fans to reach their seats while cutting down on the number of anticipated heart attacks.

“Let’s face it.  We only have a limited number of defibrillators,” the major market spokesman explained.  “And watching some guy being juiced is just not anything most parents are going to want their kids to see while they’re at the game.”

Given the national concern about obesity and health-related consequences, it seems this is a flawed strategy for a multitude of reasons – especially from the fan perspective.  Experience shows it’s most certainly not; seats are selling like hotcakes.

“We’re not making these guys sit in those seats,” said one official.  “And we’re certainly not making them eat.  If fans prefer to sit closer to the food and want to wolf down huge quantities of chili dogs and hot wings while enjoying the vicarious thrill of a professional sport, who are we to judge?”

A league official for the NFL said they are considering a similar plan.  “If the fans are so out of shape that just walking to their seats makes them break out in a sweat, we’ll never have to worry about them having something better to do on game day.  They’ll be there without fail.  It’s a magnificent strategy.  I’m just sorry we didn’t think of it first.”

“We actually got the idea from their tailgate parties,” replied the MLB spokesman.

In the future, the leagues have even more goodies in store.  Like port-a-johns in each section – so fans don’t have as far to walk.  Segways – for fans with knee problems to use to make the trip from their cars to their seats.  Doggie bags – for fans to take home some goodies for their loved ones – because the calories in foods from a ballpark don’t count.

“We want a total experience for our ballpark customers,” said the MLB spokesman.  “We want them to look forward to coming on game day.  If gluttony is the way to bring them in, then that’s what we’ll do.  We just want to keep our fan base satisfied.”

Sports fans across the North American continent took to the streets in sack cloth and ashes, vowing to fast and chant until the World Cup reaches its conclusion.

“It’s INTERMINABLE,” moaned one participant.  ”I mean, I thought the NBA playoffs took forever but this is a whole other kind of misery.”

“It’s worse than watching paint dry,” the guy next to him agreed.  ”First you have to sit through a game where it’s a big deal to score one stinking point.  Then you’ve got to sit through many games to get to the finals.  We tried to be good sports and get into the spirit of the global soccer thing but this is just too much.”

Sportscasters in the US agreed.  ”It’s more painful than listening to old tapes of Howard Cosell,” said one.  ”For the remaining games, we’re just going to stream a live feed and let it go at that.”

Protestors in cities across the nation weren’t taking that as a solution.  In New York City, Times Square was jammed with penitents, flagellating themselves with short lengths of knotted rope in the dim hope that it would end the scourge of World Cup Soccer once and for all.  San Franciscans took a more direct route with mobs chanting “World Cup NO” as they rode the famed cable cars.  Not to be outdone, a huge banner has been dropped from the St. Louis Arch.  Black, with a white soccer ball with a line through it, it clearly calls for an end to the drudgery and misery of World Cup Soccer.

“I hear there’s still another game to go,” sobbed one ardent football fan. “The baseball post season is bad enough. I just want to get to NFL play and see some real action out there. Anything. I’ll even settle for Oakland or Kansas City. Anything!”

The head of FIFA told reporters today that some changes are in store for upcoming games.  The changes are designed to speed up the rate of play and cut down on time taken for rulings.  To do this, they’ll codify practices already in place on an informal level.

“For one thing,” he said, “Americans now must officially score two goals for every one goal that counts.  If there are an uneven number of goals, the tally will not carry over.  It will begin anew.  This will keep the pressure on the Americans and get them to show some hustle out there.”

American reaction was swfit.  And mixed.  “Why penalize us?  It’s not like anyone in America is watching,” said Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald.  But Tony Kornheiser disagreed.  “The only thrilling soccer game I’ve ever seen was the other day.  If we have to score more than anyone else to do half as well as we move forward, that’s not a problem for us.  We’re Americans.”

The other announced change will be that Aussie players will receive red cards as they take the field.  “That way,” the FIFA official explained, “we won’t have to have our pockets and hands full while we officiate.”

“About bloody time,” said an Aussie soccer official.  “No sense wasting time when we could be thrashing the Yanks.”

More changes are in store and will be announced later this week, the frustrated official concluded.  “We knew Americans had a short attention span but this is ridiculous. We want their endorsements and access to their markets but turns out they’re more fickle than a randy goat.”

Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos, whose team is on its way to its thirteenth straight losing season, has made many strange moves over the years to try to turn the fortunes of his ball-club, but none stranger then his most recent move. “We’re going to change the team name,” he announced at a Monday press conference. “If Tampa can do it why can’t we?” he said, noting that the Rays made the playoffs for the first time in their history once they changed their name. “Besides, the oriole is not a bird that most people fear anymore.”

Angelos also mentioned that because he’s cheap and doesn’t want to spring for new caps, the team will only wear their “O’s” hats from now on, which forces him to choose a team name that begins with the letter “O”. Names such as the “Ogres” and the “Orangutans” were thrown around but he has come with his final three choices and gave his comments on each.

“Hey, I like the ‘Oranges’”, Angelos chimed, responding to puzzled reporters. “You don’t ever see anyone poking fun at the Cincinnati Reds do you? Then there’s the Octomoms. This is my personal favorite, ” Angelos said. “Name me something more intimidating then a pregnant mother of eight when she has a mood swing or a midnight craving. I’m just not sure what we’d put on the jersey as a logo.”

Of course the crowd favorite is the Octopuses. “Great name. In fact, I saw one when I was boating in the Chesapeake last week. Took my sandwich when I wasn’t looking.” When told that the plural for octopus is actually octopi, Angelos chuckled, then exclaimed, “It’s a great time to be an O’s fan!”

This news just in from the town of Mercedd,

The Hinkle-Horn Honkers are tucked into bed.

But tomorrow they’ll rise and trade in their horns.

We know this because leader Freddy has sworn,

“Tomorrow we’ll march off, Vuvuzela in hand.

For the sound of a lifetime.  It will be grand.

You’ll hear the great difference a switch in horns make

A strong and dynamic sound you can’t mistake.

You’ll hear us at World Cup.  You’ll follow us on…

We’ll be a sensation from evening til dawn.

The World Cup convinced us it was indeed true

Only those sans Vuvuzelas were feeling so blue.

At the sound of our honking and squaking and clamor

Their spirits will rally.  We’ll bring honking new glamour.

Our team will play best.  Of that we’re quite sure.

But first we’ll decide who’s most likely to score.

And then we must see who won’t be overturned.

It’s no fun to cheer on a team who is spurned.

Our next gig will be in 2012.

Till then be of good cheer and watch us on cable.

We’ll be blowing our horns as well as we’re able.”

By Chris Joseph

In an apparent effort to silence the critics who have been calling for his ouster, Baltimore Orioles hitting coach Terry Crowley hit his way out of a wet paper bag before a recent game against the Boston Red Sox.

Crowley, known as the “King of Swing” during his playing days despite compiling a mediocre career batting average of .250, has been under fire for the poor performance of his pupils. As of June 7, the Orioles ranked 13th in the American League with a sucking team average of .243.

“I’m tired of all this crap about me not knowing squat about hitting,” the 63-year-old Crowley said. “I thought it was time to show the world that I still got it.”

The paper bag used in the demonstration was a custom-made model provided by a local Mars Super Market. The bag was manufactured with 100 percent-recycled materials in an effort to “keep those environmental whack-jobs from picketing the warehouse,” according to Orioles owner Peter Angelos.

After being fitted with the bag, Crowley was hosed down by the Orioles grounds crew under the direction of head groundskeeper Nicole Sherry. After the thorough soaking, Crowley assumed his hitting stance in the Camden Yards left-handed batter’s box while holding a bat he favored during his playing days, a Louisville Slugger model M159. He flailed in vain at the first four offers from Orioles reliever David Hernandez before a small tear appeared in the side of the bag on swing number five. After finally breaking free of the bag’s hold on his sixth swing, Crowley trotted around the bases, tipping his cap to the crowd of none as he crossed home plate. He then mobbed himself in celebration as he made his way to the dugout.

“If that doesn’t shut everybody up, I don’t know what will,” Crowley told the assembled throng of one reporter in the Orioles clubhouse. “It’s not like any of my hitters could do what I just did.”

Chris Joseph is a freelance writer residing in Pennsylvania. A diehard Baltimore Orioles fan, he regularly writes about the so-called “team” for Slurve.com

The 2010 NBA playoffs, which began on Saturday, April 17th, has now been pushed to finish, potentially, in 2014. And that’s if it only gets to a game five. If the championship between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics goes to a game six or seven, it will extend into 2016.

NBA commissioner David Stern released a statement saying, “There have been many complaints from our fans saying that the NBA playoffs are just too short. To appease them, and give the players more rest, I have decided to extend the playoff schedule just a little bit.”

Lakers’ guard Kobe Bryant, upon hearing the news, was thrilled. “This is great for the sport of basketball and for sports in general. Everyone should be pleased by this news.”

Celtics forward Paul Pierce, when questioned by reporters if this extension was a bit excessive, exclaimed, “I don’t think it’s enough! Man, I’ve been getting bruised and battered all year. I can’t take it anymore. I need at least ten more years to get through these playoffs.”

Upon hearing the news of the playoff extension, reporter Stephen A. Smith screamed with glee for seventeen straight minutes, while Stuart Scott gave eighty-nine consecutive “Boo-yah’s.”

Of course, this creates some problems for the next few regular seasons of NBA basketball. When will they be played? David Stern says, “Oh, that will be no problem. Those seasons will go on as scheduled, in between each of the games of the 2010 NBA playoffs.” He went on to note that the 2011 playoffs will extend, potentially, into 2020, and the 2012 playoffs into 2148. Nothing has been noted for the 2013 playoffs or beyond.

After deciding that he wasn’t quite ready to pass away, legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden rose from his death bed and accepted an offer to return to the Bruins sideline for the 2010-11 season.

The 99-year-old Wooden, who was recently said to be in “grave condition” in a Los Angeles hospital, and even dead according to some reports, said in a statement that “it just wasn’t my time. Death is for quitters, and quitters never win. That’s one of the fundamental building blocks to my Pyramid of Success.”

Wooden went on to say that his second chance at life made him yearn for a return to the old days.

“I’m going to insist that all my players wear those tight nut-hugger shorts and grow Afros like they did in the 60′s and 70′s, even the white guys,” he said. “If nothing else, we’ll beat the other teams by making them laugh so hard they won’t be able to play.”

Wooden also indicated that he might even recruit some of his former players if he doesn’t like what he sees from the current crop of Bruins.

“Gracious sakes alive, I’d love to have Lewis [Alcindor, a.k.a Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] back and shooting that beautiful hook shot of his. And I’d bring back [Bill] Walton, too; just to get his big mouth off the television airwaves. Man, he annoys me when he’s doing color commentary.”

The Wizard of Westwood doesn’t feel he’ll have any trouble adjusting to the current college game.

“I plan on getting myself all tatted up so I’ll be able to fit right in. The most prominent tattoo will be a picture of my dearly departed wife Nell on my neck. I’ll probably also get the initials UCLA shaped into a tribal ring around my biceps. I am so down wit dat!”

Wooden said he has no plans of attending his upcoming funeral or public memorial service.

Chris Joseph is a freelance writer residing in Pennsylvania. A die-hard Baltimore Orioles fan, he regularly writes about the so-called “team” for Slurve.com.

Teammates arriving for practice this morning after Halladay’s perfect game were not suprised to see him  already there.

“He was taking a nap in the dugout,” said one player.  ”Catching some zzzz’s before his flight.”

“Yeah,” Halladay said when roused.  ”No way I’m waiting for winter.”

Roger Clemens was on his way to cheer his former teammates last night when he forgot the way to the ballpark.  “I had a senior moment,” he joked when asked.  “I just couldn’t decide whether I should take a left to get to Yankee stadium, a right to get to the Astros, go straight to get to Fenway, or head for the freeway to hop a flight for Toronto.”

“I can imagine,” said Yogi Berra during an interview on the subject today.  “Everywhere he goes it must be like déjà vu all over again.”

That’s not the only problem confronting Clemens.  Charges of doping continue to dog him ever since the savants at MLB realized it wasn’t the ball that had been juiced; it was the players.  While his enormous upper arms and incredible pitching career were once objects of pride to Clemens, they are now a lightning rod for speculation.

Clemens continues to deny the charges but it’s heavy lifting.  “How can you prove you didn’t do something after it’s too late to test for it,” he demanded.  “There’s going to be a cloud over my stats for the rest of eternity.  Eventually, some pencil pusher’s going to get his way and flag my stats as possibly steroid-assisted at the very least.”

“It’s not pretty,” agreed Berra during his interview.  “And it ain’t gonna be over til it’s over, which is kinda unfortunate when you think about it.”

“That McCarthy report didn’t help either of us,” Barry Bonds said when told of  Clemens’ stats dilemma.  Informed of his error, Bonds shook his head.  “Right.  Mitchell Report.  Sorry about that.”

“The thing that really, really pisses me off about this entire thing,” said Clemens, “is all the sore muscle cream I wasted in my cup.  I coulda just used HGH but I didn’t.  I used totally legal stuff to get my competitive edge and let me tell you, man.  I can still feel it.”