Charles Barkley has been fired as head quality assurance specialist for Pittsburgh’s rally rags.

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Eddie Murphy to play Albert Haynesworth in the ESPN docu-drama "The Redskins Infection". Universal Studios loans Nutty Professor suit to production.

]]> http://sportscrab.com/todays-sports-pic/picture-of-the-day/feed/ 0 http://sportscrab.com/baseball/ironbirds-take-advantage-of-meltdowns-literally-win-6-2/ http://sportscrab.com/baseball/ironbirds-take-advantage-of-meltdowns-literally-win-6-2/#comments Wed, 07 Jul 2010 17:15:04 +0000 Mark Harari http://sportscrab.com/?p=1344

IronBirds manager Gary Kendall was unavailable for comment due to a melting face.

ABERDEEN, MD – The Aberdeen IronBirds took advantage of multiple “errors” during Tuesday night’s scorcher to defeat the Lowell Spinners 6-2. In the first inning, with one out, rightfielder Austin Knight singled but moved to third when Bryce Brentz’s arm melted as he handled the base hit. Two pitches later, a Keith Couch offering got by catcher Sean Killeen (who had begun to drown) allowing Knight to trot home and score.

“It was scary,” said Killeen after the game. “I almost drowned once when I was six. This brought back bad memories.” It’s hard to believe someone could drown from humidity, but during the post-game interview a bird swam by and put the skeptics to rest.

The IronBirds tacked on two more in the fourth when–on a double-play groundball–the relay was thrown away by second baseman James Kang, allowing two runs to score. “To be fair [to Kang], it was not entirely his fault,” said first baseman Miles Head. “The throw was off target, but catchable. Unfortunately my shoe had melted onto the bag and I was unable to reach the throw.

Aberdeen first baseman David Anderson extended the lead to four in the sixth inning with a solo homerun. Actually, the ball still hasn’t come down. It just settled in and began bobbing up there like a buoy.

The Geico caveman wins Wimbledon, tries to eat trophy.

“The Total Flex GEL Sure Grip” is the [knee] pad of choice,” says president and founder Tommy Lesosky. “It’s the first articulating kneepad. It moves with you, adapting to the shape of all knee types. No more adjusting the kneepad every time you get up and down. No more kneepads falling down around your ankles and no more binding behind the knee. These are things that NBA owners, coaches and ‘Brass’ just won’t contend with when kissing ass and sucking [expletive].”

“They’ve still got two games to win before this can even be a discussion,” said Morris. “And even if they do it, I’ve got plenty of [stuff] to throw out to discredit the whole damn thing. First of all, they play on a 50 yard field, so as far as I’m concerned they need to go undefeated two seasons straight before a comparison can be made, ’cause we played on a 100 yard field… so that’s twice as big… so henceforth it needs to be done twice. Take that to the bank and smoke it.”

I’m not quite sure what he meant, but he was very emphatic so it must have been important. I then asked what the “second of all” was, and Morris replied, “Second of what? What the [expletive] are you talking about? You just tell the Mariners don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.”

The Mariners begin their playoff run on Saturday, July 10th at 1st Mariner Arena in the Eastern Conference Championship game against TBA (I’m not sure who that is).

Orioles Great Boog Powell yells "toss it here" to a fan who found his neck.

Italy’s soccer team attends their weekly acting class in preparation for Slovakia.

Six reasons to continue to follow USC in spite of sanctions

Under the proposed plan, the Orioles will be able to carry unused runs into their next game. A definitive step in the right direction for this ball club, which has been outscored 70-27 since Juan Samuel took over. MacPhail has hired Matt Bush (the AT&T rollover minutes commercial kid) to lobby the league to implement the program after the All-Star break.

Manning dismisses allegations that he is a complete pansy. “It’s not that I’m afraid of contact, but I’ve got a really good acting career ahead of me and I can’t afford to screw with this mug, if you know what I mean. Come on, you saw me on SNL… I friggen rock.”

Manning had surgery in Chicago in early March which allows him to completely retract his head into his shoulder pads like a turtle.

“It’s amazing,” said Colts coach Jim Caldwell, “his head [expletive] vanishes. He’s really gonna be able to do some damage now.” Coach Caldwell was referring to the fact that Manning will now be able to sit in the pocket until the last possible moment, deliver the ball and go turtle.

It is uncertain if other quarterbacks will follow in Peyton’s footsteps; however, his wife Ashley highly recommends it. “All I can say is it’s definitely brought a new dimension into our lives. I think other quarterback wives should strongly urge their men to have it done.”

In a related story, Tom Brady is contemplating having a pair of testicles implanted for the 2010 season.

“It’s very weird,” Brazil striker Luis Fabiano said Sunday. “All of a sudden it changes trajectory on you. It’s like it doesn’t want to be kicked. It’s incredible, it’s like someone is guiding it. You are going to kick it and it moves out of the way. I think it’s supernatural, it’s very bad. I hope to adapt to it as soon as possible, but it’s going to be hard.”

And Fabiano is not the only one speaking out. Dozens of pansy-ass whiners are joining the chorus. “There is no way to hide it,” Brazil midfielder Julio Baptista said. “It’s bad for the goalkeepers and it’s bad for us. It’s really bad. The players try to cross it and it goes to the opposite direction they intended it to go.”

But are these grumblings justified?

SportsCrab conducted our own tests on the new design and players may have a point. Turns out its odd shape isn’t very condusive to the way soccer is played. A SportsCrab investigation has uncovered purchase orders and internal emails which suggest this was not the intended design. A deeper probe has revealed that the paper trail began with a phoned in order from a FIFA executive, which was taken down by an intern at Adidas. Undoubtedly, the executive said “futebols” and the intern wrote down “footballs”. Adidas would not return calls for comment.